Parents: Am I just being plain ridiculous?

Question

I feel like I am obliged to financially support my 18 year old daughter because she just won't get her act together.

Currently my husband and I are saving every penny for a deposit on a house for my daughter so she will have some financial security in life. I don't think she even has the vaguest idea of what saving is, so my husband and I have to take on the responsibility, because she would never get her act together with money.

Right now she is doing some design degree that we ended up paying for, because she has no money, but now she has told me that she wants to quit doing the degree, because what she really wants to be is a musician, which of course is a job that is never going to equal any money either. We have told her that she is being absolutely ridiculous, but she just tells us we are horrible parents for not wanting to support her dream.

She is currently renting some flat with her boyfriend (who just my luck also wants to be a musician), but we have to pay for her rent and bills, because she and him refuse to get even a part time job as apparently it will kill their artistic visions as musicians or something like. I am constantly nagging at her to get a proper job, but she just tells me that she is not going to buy into mainstream society and be forced to do something like that.

The money that she does get her hands on (mainly from us I admit, because I guess I feel sorry for her), she spends on clothes, cigarettes and booze. I don’t think she has anything to her name apart from a huge wardrobe. She seems to think there is something terribly cool living this lifestyle, where her and her boyfriend just spend all day sitting round doing art, writing songs and playing the guitar (which I paid for by the way), but I just think it’s stupid.

My husband and I love our daughter unconditionally and I don’t want to crush her dreams, but we can’t carry on like this. We have to work so hard to support our own life, yet alone my teenage daughter and her boyfriend’s rock and roll lifestyle as well as now saving up for that deposit on the house for her now.

All my friends and family say that my husband and I are being ridiculous and that we can’t carry on like this, which is true, but I can’t just financially cut her off full stop. We raised her to understand finances and taught her money management skills, so we have no idea why she turned out like this. I fear that if I just cut her off financially she will end up on the street, which is every parent’s worse nightmare. My fears were confirmed recently when we threatened to cut of financial support and she just said, and I quote “all is fine as long as I have a bottle of wine”. She was serious. She has no concern about her future, particularly financially. She actually thinks like that.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Answer 1

Stop supporting your daughter, and she WILL eventually get a job.  Tough love is needed here.

You raised her.  Now you are paying for an education she wants to throw away, paying her rent and bills, and saving every penny to buy HER a house?

Not to be rude, but are you also going to pay for the taxes and insurance on the house, the payments when she misses them, etc. etc. etc.?  I would NOT help her, since she has not proven that she wants to help herself.  You are throwing your money away, not giving her financial security.

My husband and I recently "helped" his young nephew and nephew's wife.  All we really did was keep them afloat a little while longer, but they are intent on sinking.  While it seemed like we were helping them at the time, it is not what happened.  Real help would have been letting them learn that they need to take responsibility.  It is different when you have someone that is trying to help themself, but that was not the case with my husband's nephew and does not seem to be the case with your daughter either.

Answer 2

It's very easy to lead a Rock'n'Roll lifestyle when you're not supporting yourself financially.

Though it may seem harsh to stop supporting her, I think she can only benefit from something like that. Hopefully it will make her realise that, in life, you have to work hard to get what you deserve- usually. People don't realise this, but it's so much easier for a parent to say "yes" than to put a limit. Saying "no", in a way, is an act of love (if that's what you want to call it).

Maybe you can suggest that you will support her if she wishes to finish her design degree, but you simply cannot afford to pay up every time her "dream" changes.

She'll probably react very negatively, but she'll be thankful in the long run.

Good luck!

Answer 3

i am a mother of 6 children and the oldest being 16 (daughter) i would never support my child like you are i have also taught my children the value of money. Now, your child know's that your threats of pulling the money from her isn't going to happen because there empty threats. now your going to was your money on a down payment for a house? who's actually winning here? it's not you and your husband she oviously isn't going to pay for this either so if i were you i'd cut  her off financially and let her worry about it you've raised her the best you guy's know how so it's her turn to be an adult. this will probably bother you and your husband for awhile but be strong and stick to your gun's. enjoy your life take a vacation with the money you were going to waste on your child and yes i do mean waste stop letting her control you!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

stop supporting her...she'll see that after struggling on her own for a little while, that you were right and would have to get a job.

Answer 5

You supported her because you felt obliged to because it is your child..

That's normal for most parents.. Telling you to stop supporting her won't be easy for you.

Perhaps sitting down with her and her boyfriend and your husband and talk about their financial status.. Take the money that you give your daughter for luxury (if you do) away and tell her that it's best if you earn by yourself.

You are not being ridiculous, you are being a parent! But the thing is, you do need to know when enough is enough.. Cutting things out slowly will definitely send out the message to your daughter.

If i was in your situation, i would cut the amount of money you give each month to send out the message.

It is easier than stopping it all together! After that, she will be forced to look for a job!

Answer 6

Good GRIEF.

I would give her a month's notice that you are not going to pay for her lifestyle any more (though I'm confused about how you expect her to have a "proper job" if she is at university.)

Don't even think of buying her a house. Just don't - the next thing you know she will have sold it again and be frittering the money away. Keep the money safe, and you can help her buy her first house when SHE is ready to do it and has done some saving of her own. You are fooling yourselves here, I feel - any half way intelligent eighteen year old who has been taught money management skills knows what saving is. She's just choosing not to do it, because she knows you will do it for her. You need to stop, or she will never grow up.

She's eighteen. I'm afraid you have to start letting her make her own mistakes. Just be absolutely clear that you love her and you are there for her. This does not include supporting her financially in a completely wastrel lifestyle - it certainly does not include giving her money for cigarettes and booze. Just say No. If you feel you have to pay her rent, then pay it directly to the landlord. (I do hope you're not paying boyfriend's half of the rent.)

Answer 7

yea she needs to earn her own f*cking money.

Answer 8

Ridiculous.

Don't give her any money, make her live of government until she realised her mistakes. If she doesn't she should prepare to live the rest of her life on the lower income range.

I think it's madness that she won't work, she won't get training for work, and she lives in a quite sloppy manner.

You have to choose, keep her dreams up high, or be realistic.

Answer 9

Kick her to the curb.

You have raised her, she now is an adult, and she's going to have to learn the hard way, because she's using you, and she's not grateful.

I know you love her, and want to do all that you can do for her, but if she is not willing to do her part, then why should you keep hurting yourself.

She's 18, she's an adult, age wise, but oviousally she's not mentally, but you need to quit giving her stuff, because she is not learning the value of a dollar (or whatever currency you use.)

______________________________________...

Anyone in college, can get a part time job, and still pursue their degree.  I did.  I still do.  I am not dependant on my parents income, nor did when I lived with them after 18.  I just used them for a place to sleep at night.  I have learned the value of a dollar by hard work, paying for my own school, etc.

You can support her, but you can also let her know that reality does bite, and her dreams may come true, but they may not.  

Let her and her boyfriend get off their butts and at least contribute to the finances, and if you want to add to it, great, but until them stop!

It's like they say:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink.

Also:

Once shame on them, twice shame on you.

Answer 10

you definately do not have to give her financial support, but if she wants to be a musician maybe money isnt that important to her, she needs to do what will make her happy "find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life"

Answer 11

i don't mean to offend you in any way but i'm 18 and i moved out and secured my own home at 17, i'm not engaged and with child and i am tottaly financialy sound from working 2-3 jobs from the time i was 16 until now which i can only work one. the best way to motivate your daughter would be to stop paying for her every expense, she'll be forced to take on her own responsiblitys and while she may be upset at first she will gradually be satified in making her own money and supporting herself. by paying for her and letting her continusly live off of you is only showing her that she doesn't "need" to do anything at all and if that goes on for long enough she could very well devolope a need to be taken care of and find it harder later on in life to take her life in her own hands.

you may just want to try it, you could tell her she has one month to find a job or you'll cut her off. you could almost say that if she finds a job within one month you'll pay half of what you are paying now until you feel that she is able to cover everything she needs.

goodluck with your daughter, god bless

Answer 12

i'm 19 years old. my dad, who recently got divorced from my mom, is pretty much obligated to pay for my college and dorm. HOWEVER, i got a summer job and i've made somewhere around 4-5,000 dollars so far. they, my parents, don't buy me food or clothes- that's my job.. and i buy my own books and supplies for school. i think it's fine that your daughter wants to be a musician.. but she needs to start working- you can't keep supporting her completely.. esp if she's buying booze and cigs. she needs to learn some responsibility. maybe just give her enough for rent.. but other than that.. i'd cut her off. if you do that she'll be obligated to get a job.