Parents: Is it really hard for you NOT to discuss things your adult child told you with your spouse?

Question

Even though I love my Dad and yes, I know I am lucky to have grown up with a Father considering so many people on this forum never had one, I don't trust him.

See, my Dad drinks A LOT and when you combine that with other issues, it caused him to take personal stuff I'd told him and use it later to ridicule or humilate me with the entire time I was growing up.

He made me feel like sh*t. After years and years of this, I stopped talking to him about anything that he could potentially use against me.

Now, I'm a grown woman and even though I try, I can't trust Dad the way I do Mom.

So it really bothers me when I call up Mom to discuss a problem I am having (usually with my husband) and then later, she tells my Dad everything I said.

Or what's worse -- I'll be in the middle of talking to my Mom about an issue, then she'll go, "Hold on Kate your Dad wants to talk to you" and he gets on the phone and is like, "Hi Kate! I heard some of what you were telling your Mom and I think..."

When I asked her if she could please stop telling Dad everything she goes, "Well Kate, he is your father..."

Answer 1

Ok, no it's not wrong to have a conversation about your life with your mother in confidence she doesn't tell your father.  But if she is not going to stop, then you can do two things. Find someone else to talk to, that will not tell anyone else, or just live with the fact that your mom is going to tell your dad, and when that happens, and he gets on the phone telling you what to do about your problem, let him know that if you needed his advice you would ask him, that you are grown, and you appreciate him trying to help, but you don't need it at this time.And tell him you love him, but you have't to go. BYE.

Answer 2

I think it's wrong for any person to ask a husband or wife not to tell their spouse anything.  I understand it's a delicate situation for you, but that's her husband and it's generally just expected that if one is going to know, then so is the other. That's what makes for an open and honest marriage.  I know I tell my husband things that I was told in confidence...and maybe instead of your mother saying that he is your father, she should use the line, "Well, he is my husband..."

Edit:  I don't think there would be anything wrong about telling your mom you don't want to discuss it with your dad.  That's your business completely.  My only point was that in most marriages, husbands and wives don't keep a lot to themselves.  Well, I should say in most good marriages anyway.  I don't think you need to talk about your problems with your dad and if he gets on the phone, just tell him that you don't want to talk about it.  Aren't husbands wonderful?  I love mine, but I have spent a ton of time on the phone to my mom doing my own complaining.  Good luck.

Answer 3

Tough situation... a married couple usually tells each other everything.

I talk with my mom and mother in law A LOT about different things.  I basically just assume they're going to tell my dad and dad in law... unless I specifically say "don't repeat this one thing."

On one hand, I like it.  I get lots of different perspectives and to be honest, if you're talking about marriage... you might need a guy's perspective.

On the other hand, you have your right to ask your mom to stop repeating things.  Maybe it would actually be easier to talk with your dad and encourage him to stop doing the very thing that is hurting your family as a whole.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I would find it difficult, but I would hope my husband would have a lot more tact and respect.  I remember calling my mother when I hit rock bottome after a long term boyfriend broke my heart into a billion pieces and my father came on the phone and he apologised and said that he knew that I wanted to talk to my mother and not him because I was embarrassed, but  he said he just wanted me to know that he loved me, along with my mother of course and he told me a story about a heart broke he had.

  So yes, my Dad is lovely and respectful, and I hope if my husband cut into my daughter's business like both our Dad's did, I would hope he would behave like my father, and not embarrass and humilate her like your father has done to you.  Which is really horrible, I'm sorry.

Maybe you should just take your problems to your friends, or your partner if you have one?  It doesnt sound like this problem has an asnwer I'm afraid.  Because your Mother is still probably going to tell things to your father, but ask him to not tell you, which he probably will.  I find it very hard to not tell my husband things, in fact I dont like doing it.  I like sharing things with my husband.  So I hope my daughter doesnt want me to be secretive when she is older.  Unless it is about like overly female issues like birth control or periods.....then my husband definately would not want to know and will shut me down if I even mention the subject.  lol, he is very grossed out by these things.

I'm sorry I cant give you better advice.

Answer 5

sounds like you can't trust mom either.   if you must complain about your husband do it with a coworker. frineds and family will hold a grudge if they think your husband is being a jerk.   some coworkers are the best because they don't really know your family and will give you support. if they tell one their spouse, who cares he don't know you.

no, you do not have to tell your husband things about your friends that was told in confidence.  that does not make for openness in marriage. openness in marriage is about talking about eachothers problems not your friends.

sorry, i dont agree with the idea that telling your husband things that were told in confidence is a must.  your mom should keep things told in private, private.

taking your marriage problems outside of your marriage and telling friends about it does not make for an open marriage.

Answer 6

As mother of 3 kids over 30, it often happens that one tells me so mething and says, don't tell Dad, he will ..... or 'just now it's a proven

lie and he'll freak...'  The moral of the story is this:  if someone do not want something they said, repeated, respect their wish.  On the other hand if it is something within a family that is open and honest, one can discuss it openly.  It all depens on what the person says, feel about the subject or whether it can hurt someone - we all comment about someone or something from time to time.  In your case it is a question

of trusting/not trusting a parent, then your wish should be considered - not discussed it with the one you don't trust!.