Parents and the Differences Between Bio--Adoptive and Step?

Question

I have seen Q's that ask "Do Adoptees Know they have 2-sets of parents?" and other Q's about "Who is a REAL Parent?"

Recently I have been thinking about these Q's Not only in the context of Adoption but as it may relate to other "family" situations, because I feel that many people Share a common "sets" of issues when it comes to Who We have as "Parents" in our lives.

We also see nearly daily the Q's about Step-Parent Adoptions.

I will ask the Question Now and may add some more about my thoughts....

Other then the "core" Loss issues (which many children of divorce feel in different ways as well) related to abandonment, secrecy and 'changed' identity issues--What do Other people think about that fact that in society today it seems more RARE then Not for people to have Only One Set of Parents?

Answer 1

I was adopted by my step parent when I was 13 after my mother and him had dated for 5 years.  I remember the court date, being asked if I wanted him as my Dad and what I wanted my name to be.  

My "real" Dad rarely visited, never paid child support, and wasn't too stable at that point with a drinking problem at the minimum.  When I was 20 I wanted to see him because I was curious, I did, and after that he wanted to keep in contact with me, but I didn't.  He and my sister remain in contact.  I just don't feel the need or desire.  I don't wish him anything bad, I just don't really feel any connection with him.  He wasn't there when I did need him (my first 13 years), my adopted Dad stepped up to the plate and has been there for me since then - I am 39 now.   I think that being part of the decision helped me accept the changes.  I don't feel loss for having been adopted by my stepparent, I actually feel lucky to have gotten a Dad who loves me for me.

So for me, I really only think of myself as having one set of parents, not included are the set of my bio dad and his wife.  

However, I have raised my 18 yr old stepdaughter as my own for the last 5 years - she has lived with us since before we got married.  Although she doesn't call me Mom, I think that role is still a bit more confusing for her.  Blood is really important to her (moreso since she is a teen and seeking answers and her identity) but not at all to me.

So maybe it has more to do with has the person accepted new parent roles, are they mature enough to see it from a big picture view, and has to do with how secure they are with themselves and others.

Answer 2

That's a good point and you're probably right. My parents divorced when I was young (age7). My dad moved out of state and my mom and my 2 other siblings got a lot of help from my grandparents. My dad remarried once and my mom remarried a couple of times. It was all kind of scattered but I've had a lot of people parent me throughout my adolescence. It was normal to me.

Answer 3

yeah this is really interesting, your right in my job i see a lot of families (mostly dysfunctional as that is my job) but you've really got my brain ticking here.  society has really evolved away from the nuclear family (2 parents and 2 children) to explode into families of all shapes and sizes but then I guess so has our society!  glad we are a world where we welcome diversity as we've certianly got that.  personally i think its a good thing so long as the needs of the children are being met and they are being included in decision making when it concerns them :D

Answer 4

Thanks Anna~  What a GREAT question! Honestly, one of the better, more thought provoking questions I've read in a long while!

And I totally get your point! Or at least, I think I do. LOL! What's the diff, after all?  With so many extended families, divorce & remarriage...

As for the question, "Do Adoptees Know they have 2-sets of parents?"...questions/comments like this are extremely condescending, IMHO.  Other people write, "your parents are the ones who raised you."  Well, duh!  Do other people really believe that they need to inform adoptees who our parents are?  I'm pretty sure I know who my parents are.  

These comments are especially humorous in light of the many blended families.  

I have a blended family.  I met my step kids when they were 8, but entered their life (began dating their dad) when they were 15.  They had a mom & dad.  I didn't try to pretend I was another parent to them. I love them very much, enjoy, respect, admire, appreciate, care for & care about them.  They are part of my family.  I was honored when my (step) daughter introduced me as her "other mom".  And of course, after 13 years as a family, they're just my kids (too).

As you point out, even when a step parent enters your life when you are an adult, you can form a familial relationship with them, love them and come to see them as another parent figure.

Yet with adoptees - especially old school, closed adoptions - we are expected to DENY a familial relationship with our first parents, if we meet them.  And for goodness sake, we MUST be CLEAR that they are not our "real" parents.  Yet, we can openly have step parents without a problem, without guilt, and without anyone rushing in to explain to us who our "real parents" are.  

Imagine someone saying to you, "You know, your step dad is not your REAL dad!"  I mean, really?  Why would anyone care what you call your (step) dad.  

As one responder wrote; "people act as if that is the "correct" family and others are not."  grandjunction09

ETA: As Heather said, only adoptees are expected to deny their first parents.

Answer 5

That is a great question. The answer is very complicated. My definition of parent is the person who loves, provides, and cherishes the child. Blood relation really means nothing to me, other than for medical concerns.

I do understand the abandonment and loss issue that concern those parents that did not have a choice in the matter. An example to that is death.

A step parent can love you just as much as a bio., maybe even more. The main thing is all the parties that are involved need to love the child, and be fair to all the others that love the child,

When it comes to bio's; I think of it this way the man had about 5 seconds to with me, and the woman carried me and birthed me. Why would i feel a need to be involved with two people that chose to have nothing to do with me? Especially if I have other people (my parents) that wanted me more than anything in the world.

My parents are the ones that love me, and worry that I am okay every day. It may be 2,3,4 or more. It may be none, but a conception and birth makes no one a parent until they chose to be.

Answer 6

The only difference between bio (raising the kids they gave birth to) and adoptive (raising the kids they adopted) parents is that little fact of genetics.

Step parents are different, because they often have no legal relationship with the children.

As far as love goes... it's all the same.  (varies wildly between families, regardless of relationship)

Answer 7

Yes, they are all 'parents' and very real.  It is now very common for people to have more than one set of parents through because of divorce and re-marriage.  

However it is only in adoption that society pushes us to deny the first set of parents, telling us that they are not our parents or 'real'

My friend's father left her mother and remarried, but she never had to deny him as her father the way adoptees are expected by society to deny their first parents

Answer 8

Good question!  Yes, it is rare to find people whose parents have not divorced and remarried.  Well, when I say my parents, I mean my mom and stepfather.  As far as I am concerned, he is my dad.  He's raised me since I was 7 yrs old.  My father, not the greatest father figure.  Only wanted to be a "dad" when it was convenient for him.  We are not father/daughter close.  I view him as another relative in a sea of a huge family.  I love him, but I would be hard pressed to choose if both my "dad" and my father were drowning.  Basically, it's who raised you.  I am a mother to a 10 month old baby.  But I am not her mommy.  She is being raised by someone else.  That is her mommy.  We all have mothers and fathers, but we also have mommies and daddies.  Sometimes they are not the same people.

Answer 9

Hey great question. I agree with you 100%. Step parents can indeed become anouther "mum" or anouther "dad". Like having 2 dads. Alot of people are rather ignorant to that fact. But it all comes down to the child, and if that child will accept that 2nd person as a parent. I think it depends on relationship.

I cant class my birth mother as my mother, Thats just because I dont see her that way. I dont reject the fact that she is a 2nd mother. Its strange. Depends how people choose to live.

Star for you by the way.

Answer 10

"  What do Other people think about that fact that in society today it seems more RARE then Not for people to have Only One Set of Parents?  "

excellent point. Even though having only one set of parents is more rare than not people act as is that is the "correct" family and others are not.

Answer 11

I agree with you.  There's so many different kinds of families these days that maybe the old-fashioned style Mommy, Daddy, and 2.5 kids is a minority now.

But, also in that era there was alot of secrecy...  so hmmm...  good question.