Parents are having trouble letting go... Help!

Question

I'm 19 and I'm in my second year of college. To be completely upfront my parents are very protective of me. They to this day will not leave me at the house alone for more than a few hours at a time and never at night. They are good parents and are very caring, but at 19 when I've lived away from home for my first year of college... well coming back to this sort of thing has been difficult.

I'm a good kid and I refused to date before I got into college, but now I'm in my 2nd relationship. They aren't really sure how to handle this... if I leave the house this summer I'm expected to report back to them every hour or so and let them know where I am and when I'll be home. They refuse to let me stay over at his parents house even in the guest room by myself or go on the vactions they have offered to pay for and get me my own room and such. His mother is very religious and his father is a bishop... even so nothing would go on even if they weren't there because I'm not ready for that and I'd rather wait.

I am not sure how to make them calm down a bit. This summer has been very difficult. If I go out for the day on a weekend I'm get called all of the time and if I don't answer I get yelled at... alot. If I go out for the day and do answer I get told I'm always gone and I should try to appreciate them more and be around some this summer. The thing is when I'm home which I only go out about 2 times a week... we never do anything we just sit there. My little sister plays halo, my father is on the computer, and my mother is watching news.

They pay half of my college so they are still contributing in my life, but when is enough? I have never been in trouble in school or anything. I have always been very understanding of my parents demands, but I'm becoming suffocated. Help!

Answer 1

When you have plans to go somewhere, tell your family where you will be, who you are going to be with, and ask what time they would like you home.  Tell them you will call when you arrive at the place you are going and will call them when you leave to come home.  If your plans change, call them to let them know.   If you take the responsibility of giving them this information they should begin to "ease off" a bit.  This approach is respectful to your family and respectful of you and whoever you are with.  

Answer 2

lol WOW. i mean, i gotta tell you that sounds awful. I think the best thing to do is talk to them about what you are going through. Parents are sometimes over protective because they really care for their kids and don't want anything bad to happen. So knowin this try to be on their shoes and figure why they would be so protective. Check your surroundings, the kind of people around, and so on. Once you have figure what is making them scare of leaving you alone, tell them that they have nothing to worry about. I don't know if you are independent or not, but when kids become too dependednt on their parents, they don't know how to handle life alone. Explain to them that you are a grown woman now, you know how to take care of yourself and need to experience all sort of things in order to know life. If they prevent you from goin to places, or bein with your bpoyfriend I mean...they are basicaly trapping you in a closet. That's not fair for  you, you have done your wrk on being a good daugghter so now they need to let you go and let you live your life....Im 19 too, just turned 19. I havent been the greatest daughter EVER but im good enough. and my parents let me go out and do whatever I want because they trust me. They know I can go out and come back savely. So telling you hthis..It's all about trust. You gotta let them know that they can trust you and you know what you are doing.    

Answer 3

Well, sounds like they want you around more but one way to help this situation is to give them what they want....maybe even more, just to make them regret wanting you around more. Stay around them constantly find things to ask questions about. Eventually they will get tired of you always following them asking questions (reminding them of when you were a child probably) then they might just say...."Go do something".  

Answer 4

Well, I think that is way too much supervision for a responsible 19 year old - although it's hard to argue with the results!  

If you can't get them to ease up by talking with them (that would be best) then it seems you have three choices:

1.  Continue to accept their financial help and their demands

2.  Start ignoring their demands, which will no doubt cause a lot of conflict

3.  Move out as you plan.  Be as loving as possible.  Let them see you are happy and excited about your new place once you get it.  You are NOT rejecting them and you DO appreciate them and I'm sure they know this.  It is normal for adult children to move out and they will have to accept it.  They sound like very good parents and I think they'll be happy for you, even though it might be hard at first.

Want to know something else?  Once you move out and are doing fine they will start to like it!  It may sound hard to believe but it's true.  When adult kids move out you miss them but it ends the 24/7 worrying that starts the second a child is born.

Answer 5

Wow. I feel you in a way because my parents are the same way. Thankfully eversince I got a car they have given me some freedom. The thing that you should do is make sure you call them all the time, tell them where you are and stuff so they don't worry.

I'm confused, are you older than 19? If so then you need to pick a day and sit down and tell them you need to speak to them about something that bothers you. Start by telling them how happy you are to have such great parents that care a lot for you...yada yada. Then tell them that even though you are appreciative of how much they make sure you are safe, at times it gets to be tooo much. Tell them that you have no bad intentions and you want to wait until you are married to have s*x.....blah blah (just let them know your view on that). BUT I will give you some advice....

Just be careful. It's nice that his parents want to take you places and stuff, but do you think that it's THAT safe for you to go and nothing happen? Many times, when we feel strong about something or we think we would never do anything wrong,...that's when the danger comes in. I'm telling you from personal experience. AND also, are you dating this person because you are looking foward to marrying him in the future? If not, then don't waste your time.

Hopefully you'll talk to your parents as the adult you are and everything will go smoothly. Wish you the best!

Answer 6

I've read your missive 3 times...

I'm still trying to find a problem.

Your parents love you and obviously - have done a great job.

They are suppose to have some trouble letting go.   You are supposed to want to spread your wings and fly.

Everything is as it should be.

When it's time you'll fly.  Until then - ENJOY the suffocation.  One day both your parents will be GONE and you'll pray for this inconvenience.

For NOW just know that they love you - and ALL is right with the world.

If they weren't helping and COULD easily let go... THEN you should be whining about it... on Y/A!

Answer 7

Man, that sounds crazy!

Answer 8

Hi i completly understand where you are coming from and it is hard for our parents to let us go off and lead our own lives im 22 and if i dont visit my mum 3 times a week or phone her everyday i get agro. But ive got used to this as i am an only child and live quiet a bit away. What i surjest you do is sit down with both your parents and talk to them take your partner with you for support that way hes there to step in if things get heated also what you could try and do is get your partners parents to sit down with your mum and dad and let them get to know each other if your parents dont know who they are they wont trust them. This way your parents know the people you are going to stay with and there background its only natuel for them to be concerned about you also surgest things that you as a family can do together like trips out or board games so you are spending time with them but not bored at the same time you could also invite your partner and his parnts around for dinner so your parents feel more involved and you are doing something for you i hope this has helped you x

Answer 9

Confront them tell them that you are an adult and that you would like a curfew during the summer and that you don't want them to call, it sounds like they are trying to guilt you into staying home because they don't want you to do anything bad, so stay home a couple days a week. Tell them that you are responsable enough to stay over and go on the trips with your boyfriend and his family. Or, ask his parents come over and tell your parents everything thats going on. They might like it better coming from his parents.

Answer 10

yup, and other then that while at home play by their violines to have them be content, what they dont know cant hurt them, its just a progress for them too...they will get around

best way is to just play it up and do your own thing, then inform them in aftermath, like "Oh and i got a few days off work so i'll be going camping with some friends, is there anything you need me to do around the house before i go?"

dont go into the discusion with them, dont open the door for it, that makes it harder on them. If they try argue just go "I'm sorry but i already paid my share and i promised so and so to come because she been having a hard time lately so she need me to be there as a friend. I wont be gone that long just a couple days"

bleh i lived much at my grandparents in periods after adult, and i just tell em when i am out the door sort of shouting back over my shoulder "I am going to the store and a walk, i'll be back in some hours", then shut the door and is off before they can question anything

they make a fuzz when back i just go "i was just taking a walk, and i live by my own all the time during college, i am used to taking care of myself, its broad dayligth and not dangerous. But i need a shower now, so we can talk later"

basicaly push it out, pospone it, close the door to talking of it...eventualy they let it go...took them a couple summers, but they stoped asking.

Parents and grandparents just need to realise you grown up, its an adjustment period where you have to put up with some of their hazling and follow a few of their houserules while at their place, but they eventualy catch up...i know seem frustrating now, but you will survive, and likelyhood is when they goten over it then you will be better friends then ever ;)

Answer 11

If your parents are footing the bill for your lifestyle (room, board, clothes, transportation, college) then you have to live your life by their rules when you are under their roof.  When you are away at college/not under their direct control then you can do what you want.

if you are paying for your own stuff (room, board, clothes, transportation, college) then you can do as you like without asking their permission first.

edit to your addition:

you said, "I could move out, but like I said I love my parents... They would see it as me stabbing them in the back, and being ungrateful"  

WTF!?  If that is true and not just your mistaken perception of the situation then your parents are sick sick sick control freaks who aren't allowing their child to grow up and the sooner you get out of there the better off you'll be.  

If that statement is just your misguided opinion of what your parents would think or how they would react then you aren't ready to be a grown up yet.  Once you realize growing up/maturing and moving out is a NORMAL and NATURAL thing for emotionally healthy people to do then you're ready to be responsible for yourself.