Parents going through divorce, child having behavior issues...?

Question

He is fine with the dad...every other weekend and one weeknight. But with mom, at school and daycare, acting out, being stubborn, not following set rules he used to follow. Dad talks to him when they are together, he says he will be good, then is not. How do we resolve this? Dad talks directly to him to ask how he is, his feelings, his anger - not sure how mom handles it, she is not talking to anyone! But how to approach son to help him deal and go back to the well behaved child he was before parents split. He is 9. How to "make" him behave when he is out of dad's presence?

Answer 1

You can't MAKE a child behave.

Take him to a counselor. There may be someone at his school who is able to help. If not, or if they can't work with him immediately, look into counseling through your health insurance. This is not to say that you're a bad parent or that your child is messed up; counseling helps with lots of different situations. It's worth looking into.

Answer 2

Many children of divorce are assumed to be "acting out" because they are angry.  Very often this is true, but very often they are acting out because of stress.  Stress is our reaction to change, and obviously divorce is one of life's most significant changes (if not the most significant change).  Levels of stress are directely related to our "sense" of control.  So, when we feel out of control, we get very stressed.  This is especially true for children.

He's probably trying to gain a "sense" of control with his behavior.  I would recommend a counselor who can act as a neutral party to try to get to the bottom of this with him.  In the mean time, you can give him a sense of control by offering choices.  Not control of you houses or lives, but things he can control-  for example- offer him the choice to take a bath before or after homework.  Offer the choice of hamburgers or pizza for dinner.  Offer the choice to clean his room before or after his favorite show.  Offering choices helps children feel more "control" and often this lowers stress leading to better behavior.  

Counseling can help determine if this is a factor.

I wish you well.

Matt D.

Answer 3

I have the same problem with my 9yr old son.

Perfect with dad and a terror with me,  I have also tried alot of things, then I realise that if there is a consequence for his outbursts, hes seems to think before he does is.

Eg. taking game console away, or a favourite toy, not allowed to rige his bike and so on....

It has worked for my son, he still forgets every now and than but it doesnt take him long to snap out of it.

Answer 4

get some family counseling, be consistent with discipline, and NEVER disrespect the other parent.

Answer 5

Why would anyone expect a child to "behave" when his whole world is being turned upside down because of divorce?   He is entitled to act out, feel angry, and misbehave for a while.  That's what happens when you take the security of a family away from a child.

Answer 6

Just because he is 9 dose not mean a lot isn't going through his mind. He is confused on what is going on and don't know how to handle it. This may be a way to get attention. It would be best if the parents sit down with him and tell him why they are no longer together and to let him know whats going to happen and that it is not his fault. The parents also should not argue around him or where he can hear. He is just upset that his mommy and daddy are no longer together and they are no longer a family. He has tons going through his mind. Don't doubt him only from his age.

Answer 7

the mom should be more hard on him oooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... take the child to therapy u never know how he feels