Parents of "unplanned" kids, please give me your thoughts.?

Question

I have been worried since pregnant with our first child, who is now 7 1/2. He was unplanned, my now husband and I had only been together for 4 months when I got pregnant.

Anyway my question is, when they are older, how do you go about saying they were unplanned, or not tell them at all? I don't want to tell my son that, it sounds horrible, especially as his two brothers were planned. I don't want him thinking he was an "accident."

What have you done, or plan to do? For some reason it has really worried me since I was pregnant with him. We love him so much and don't regret him for a second. It's alright to just not tell him isn't it?

Thanks for your imput!

Answer 1

Why tell him if he doesn't ask?

Answer 2

I wouldnt just offer it, but if he asks, be honest.

Just say he was a "surprise" &you "were not expecting to get pregnant so early" - its not really a lie.

My 17month old daughter was an accident, but we were not distressed about the pregnancy at all at the time, we were surprised, but happy when we found out.

Do what you think is right! I dont think a boy would even ask, me and my mother were very very close and i even had trouble asking her. Sometimes its better not to know. - He may realise this when he learns you had only been together for 4mnths.

xo Amber.

Answer 3

You could always tell him he was a "beautiful unplanned surprise and the best gift you could receive"

Answer 4

I'd never tell any of my kids although they were all unplanned... Why would you tell them.. not like you can change anything...

Answer 5

Both of my kids were unplanned.. but I explained to my oldest daughter that although she will hear unplanned, it wasnt unwelcome.  I told her that she was there for a reason and that I may not have planned to have her when I did, but she has been worth every second.

Answer 6

I was only 17 when I had my first daughter; and my 2nd daughter was unplanned - her father and I had only recently gotten over a split.

My eldest daughter understands that me being so young wasn't ideal; and I would not wish for her to do the same.

Very often it isnt something that will come up, especially with boys.

But essentially - your baby was unplanned, but not an accident, not a mistake.  You had a choice upon discovering your pregnancy; as every woman does : You chose to continue your pregnancy, keep your child and you've never regretted it since? There is nothing wrong with that.

I also believe that if everyone waited until 'they are ready' to have their first child, then most people wouldn't have children - because timing, finances etc are never quite perfect enough for children.

Maybe you could make him feel like - you were such a lovely surprise; thats why we went on to have more children. Explain that he showed you the joys of being a mother - that is a precious gift.

Otherwise dont worry too much; you love your kids - and they know that & that is by far the most important thing.

Answer 7

Yes it is perfectly fine not not to tell him. You love him that is all that matters.

Answer 8

I was a teen mom and my son is now a teenager.  

I don't remember a time when we told him that he was "unplanned", but he always knew that my husband (his father) and I were younger than all of his friends' parents.  When we bought our first home and he met the neighbor kids, more than one of them asked us how old we were and I can only assume that their parents were curious as well.  

Now that my son is a teenager, we have some very frank talks about premarital s*x, birth control failure, and being young parents.  He knows he wasn't planned and that those first few years while we struggled financially to finish college were very hard.  But I always, always tell him that I've never regretted it for a second.  

He's asked me about how I felt losing out on so much by being a young mother.  I tell him, yes, we gave up a LOT.  We never did have childfree years in our marriage.  We didn't have those carefree 20's of being young, travelling, parties, etc.  We were too busy trying to make ends meet and raise a child.  We had a small wedding with no honeymoon because we had to get back to work and school.  

But I follow up with telling him that having him was a blessing in disguise.  I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant.I have no regrets being a parent.  The things I felt I gave up on were replaced with something so much more profound.

  But I also want him to understand that his dad and I beat the odds, by staying married, finishing college and having professional positions.  Interestingly, now he is one of the few teens in his group whose parents are still married.  So much for those "older parents/stable homes!"

Like I said, we've had some pretty frank talks about birth control not being 100% effective.

Answer 9

it's fine to not tell him, but equally, it's fine to tell him.

i was unplanned, as was my sister.  my brother (who is the middle child) was the only one that was planned.

as long as your child knows he is loved and wanted, it doesn't matter whether or not he was planned.

Answer 10

Me and my boyfriend were together only 3 months and I happened to get pregnant.. He has a daughter also by someone else too.. If i were you i wouldnt say anything cause why does it matter if they were planned or not .. it only matters is that there were takin care of.. best of luck!

Answer 11

sure you can not tell him...but if others know he wasn't planned chances are that someone may slip and say something that will make him question you.

My oldest daughter wasn't planned and I don't have a problem telling her that.  i just tell her I always wanted to be a mommy and that she was my best surprise ever.  We tell our kids that God plans when babies are suppose to be born, so they all know they were chosen and special.  i also tell her she is special cause she was the first baby I ever had, and that she was picked to be the biggest sister and that is a very important job.  Others know I hadn't planned her (she is 8 now) so I don't have to worry about someone recounting a story about how I didn't plan her out like I did my other 2 kids. where she might overhear cause she already knows.  I tell her also that she was so fabulous and made me love being a mommy so much, that is why I couldn't wait to plan to have more kiddos.  We are done having kids   - so I have told her that God meant for me to have 3 babies...and that is why they are all here.

Answer 12

Unplanned is fine or you can always call him a surprise or not say anything at all unless he asks.

Answer 13

You don't say anything in this regard at all. It would be evil.

Answer 14

being unplanned and being an accident are not the same thing.

I thought I had feelings for the father of my first born..but I was young and naive. My son is now 15mths old and we're going through a nasty custody battle. My son wasn't well-received by his father, but I was excited and focused my entire livelihood on raising him.

I'm 33wks pregnant with my second child, and my now fiance and I have been together for 9mths. Neither child was actually 'planned' but we did want to have children together, it was more the timing that was actually unplanned.

There's nothing wrong with it, most people are the result of surprise pregnancies even if the parents wanted to have children some day. Why wouldn't you want to tell him, its just a fact of life, and he shouldn't take it the wrong way.

Answer 15

my 4th was a BIG surprise, definately unplanned, but i will tell her when shes older, im not gonna hold back at all, cos just like now i always blurt out to everyone i meet that she was unplanned,, and in the same sentence i always say that it was the BEST surprise and gift ive ever received in my life, its so weird how u dont even try or plan-- and u get this most precious child who you love so much, shes 19mths and i still to this day when i look at her feel so blessed!!!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 16

I was an "accident" child, born to my 18-year-old parents.  I don't know when I figured it out, but it was just a fact that they got pregnant w/ me so they got married sooner than they planned and that was it.  My brother and sister weren't planned either.  Our family has just always been open about it.

My 3rd baby was unplanned--we call her a "surprise"!  We're very open about it, she'll know the facts since we're not secretive about it.

Just don't be secretive and act like it was shameful.  Call him your "surprise" baby if you need to.  Be factual if he questions anything.  Say something like: yes, we were blessed with you before we were married but you were a happy surprise for us.

Answer 17

Being an unplanned child is more of a surprise than an accident. I don't see that unless he asks you would have to tell him anyway but you should, when he asks, let him know that he was a pleasant surprise. Just because a child is unplanned it doesn't mean they are unwanted. Of course it's alright not to tell him, if he doesn't ask then why should he have to know? If he feels like he wants to know then he will ask but until then it's fine for you to say nothing.

Answer 18

I don't think it needs to be a big drama that you suddenly sit him down and say "guess what? We didn't mean to have you".

Be relaxed about it all and you will find the right time to tell your son, if you need to at all. The main thing is that your son has a healthy self esteem, and if he does he will not be phased in the slightest.

when you tell him, make sure that he knows how much you do love him and all will be fine.

Answer 19

There is no such thing as accidental pregnancies, there is only accidental parents.

I think it's pretty d**n obvious a couple of my kids weren't planned, but they will always be forever loved and no different.

I wouldn't tell him, what would he care anyway. I was told that I was unplanned, and we know how that worked out.

Answer 20

Unplanned doesn't mean unwanted or an accident.

My daughter is 8 and last year she asked me why we (me and her dad) decided to have a baby.  I told her God decided it was time for us to have her because we were planning on waiting until we got of the military to have kids.  But I also told her some of the best things in life are unplanned.

Answer 21

Did you ever ask your mother if you were planned or unplanned?  Did you even care?  Chances are he will never know unless he does the math for your wedding and then he may not care

My parents were/are married and my father has kids from a previous marriage so he only wanted one more well 5 years later  (after me) my brother came along unplanned. He knows it and it is no big deal.