Parents of really well behaved teens?

Question

Which parenting style did you use?

Attachment parenting? Parent-directed or traditional parenting? Freestyle parenting? Did you sort of mix it up and change it according to your circumstances?

This question is also open to well behaved teens.

My girls are babies now but I want to know how to raise them up right and I want some advice for parents who have been there, done that!

Thanks!

Answer 1

Wow, this question has made my day. I was beginning to think that adults didn't believe in the existence of well behaved teens. I think that just the fact that you are asking this question bodes well for your future as a parent.

I happen to be a very well behaved teen (this from the people around me, including my parents, as my own personal opinion might not be completely reliable). To tell you the truth, it really has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with my parents (who are absolutely amazing, thank you very much).

My parents parenting style is completely different from anything that I have ever seen, and when I have kids I will raise them basically the same way that I was raised, and I'm seventeen, so I think that the fact that I want to be like my parents says a lot.

I would describe their parenting style as "balanced." They guide me, and help me to make good decisions, but at the same time they let me have a say in things. If I disagree with something, then I am encouraged to talk with them about it, and we find a compromise. Basically, they treat me as a human being. They never dismiss my feelings or opinions simply because I am a kid.

The most important parts of our relationship are trust, respect, and love. The love part is easy, and it comes naturally to most parents. Just make sure that you are comfortable saying it. The trust part is a bit trickier. Basically, my parents trust me completely, and make that clear to me. Knowing that, I do everything in my power to maintain that trust.

I know that I can trust them as well. My mom made it clear from the very beginning that there would be no snooping. We could leave our diaries wide open on the kitchen table, and she would simply close them and put them on our sides of the stairs. The thing is, this means that if we have something we want her to know, we can't just write it in our diaries and hope that she'll find it. We have to actually talk to her about it. This in turn strengthens our relationship even further.

The respect is something that a lot of people have trouble with as well. If you want to get respect, you need to be willing to give it. The best way to teach kids to be respectful is to demonstrate. Kids learn by observation. If you are always respectful with everyone else (including them) then it will become second nature.

Remember though, that respect is not synonymous with blind obedience. You *want* your kids to question things, and to form their own opinions. If you raise your kids to automatically obey someone simply because they are in a position of authority, then you are putting them in a potentially dangerous situation.

Discipline is something that a lot of people have trouble with, going from one extreme to the other. Balance is key in this, as in so many other things. My mom has always used a positive-negative consequence system. When we doing something good (and my mom loved to "catch" us doing good things) the kids get a positive consequence and some extra attention, as well as praise. Tell them that what they did was good and explain why.

If they do something wrong, they get a negative consequence that fits the "crime," along with an explanation of why what they did was wrong (if it were a "danger" thing, explain why what they did was dangerous, if it were something that might hurt someone else, physically or emotionally, explain that, etc.) and tell them what they can do better in the future.

The explanations are key.

Remember, if you make a mistake, such as giving them a consequence that they really don't deserve, talk to them and apologize. Some people think that this will undermine you, but actually it will teach your kids to be responsible for their mistakes, and that everyone makes them, even adults. It will also show them that it's important to take responsibility for their actions.

Talking to your kids about s*x and other sensitive topics is another tricky area. The simplest and most effective thing to do is to answer their questions as they come, openly and honestly, using age appropriate language. Tell them that they can always ask you or talk to you about anything, and that no subject is off limits, and then follow through. Make sure that they always feel comfortable coming to you about anything.

Let your kids grow up and don't overshelter them. Trust that you have done a good job and that they will do the right thing. If they do make a mistake, forgive them and then help them to make it right and avoid similar mistakes in the future.

My mom has always said that a parents job is not to control their children, but to guide them to become the best people that they can be.

If you have any specific questions or want advice on a particular topic, feel free to read my other answers or e-mail me. If I can't answer, my mom will definitely be able to. She's incredible, and has an answer for just about every situation.

Good luck, and you sound like you are going to be a great mom.

Answer 2

treat them like they are adults, to an extent..ur the parent, do wat you want...leave them out on the porch, if that is wat you want...

Answer 3

I don't know about any kind of parenting styles so I'll just tell you what I did.

I have 5 daughters, ages 22, 19, 18, 16 & 13 and I'd say they're pretty well behaved young ladies. According to others, I have "angels"...but they only say that because they don't live with them lol. There's a phrase I always use when people ask me how I have such an open relationship with my girls and how we can talk about ANYTHING with NO ISSUES:

"I listen like a sister, laugh like a friend, but give advice like a MOTHER."

1. I firmly believe that open communication is the key. My girls always knew they could come and talk to me or ask me a question about ANYTHING without there being any screaming: Friends, Family, s*x, drinking, drugs, grades etc.  "Mom I got a bad grade on my test." to "Mom, can we talk about birth control?"...they came to me openly. Teens are looking for someone to listen and give them advice. If you give it to them calmy and ask them questions back, it's an A+ chat in their eyes. I support certain decisions they make and give them pros and cons. I offer help. My husband on the other hand...they never tell him anything because the few times they've tried he's either given them an answer before they're done speaking, not listened to start with or made the situation uncomfortable.

2. BE FIRM. Have rules. Have curfiews. Have consquences that apply and MEAN SOMETHING. Not having your phone for a week becaue you came home 2hrs past your curfiew reallly doesn't make them think about what they did. Making the curfiew two hours earlier for 3wks does. If I say to do X, X should be done. I am the Mommy and what I say goes. Am I willing to sit down and talk about my decision and why you don't agree? Yes. Am I going to listen? Yes. But in the end, I make the final call.  Crying isn't going to change my mind. Telling me, "I don't understand." and "Don't you remember what it's like to be a teenager." isn't going to change my mind. It's Mom court advantage.

3. Give them some freedom and trust if you have no reason not to. Always ask all the Ws, no matter how old. Who are you going with? Where are you going? When are you getting home? What are you going to do? Call me when you get there and have fun.  They shouldn't be allowed to do what the h**l they want when they want but they shouldn't be watched like a hawk 24/7. In the end, kids who come from those kinds of families end up in the SAME PLACE.

4. Teach respect, responsibility, morals and values. That's the most important thing you can ever teach your child. Kids with these 4 things mastered think things through and are successful.

5. Have fun. Enjoy them. Honestly, I've enjoyed my girls' teenage years more than any other stage. We have Girls Night Movie Night on Sundays and all sit together and watch something. We do actvities together and enjoy a lot of Mom-Daughter bonding. It's a great age if you play your cards right.

Answer 4

I must say, I have a very loving mother. She was very hands on and fun, and always gave my brother and I the best experiences. I went to museums from a very young age and got very good education. Despite all this, I was clinically depressed from age 9-14 and was a very angry kid. Now almost 17, I'm completely normal and well behaved, and people who knew me back then, can't believe I'm the same person. Point is, kids have phases, some longer than others. They play their music too loud, wear black, want to dye their hair, yell and scream at you.. Teens do that. If you raise them correctly and expose them to as many positive things as possible, they will work it out and it will just be a phase. Keep your eyes on who your kids are hanging out with, but don't discredit the friends just because they are in the same phase. Not only their friends, but keep an eye on your friends that you let them hang out with. If your best friend is an alcoholic, kids catch on fast and learn by watching. Have fun with your daughters, let them grow and experience different things, even if this means going through a time where you think they might be deaf from their music. Also, just to let you know, I didn't grow up in church either, and I turned out just fine. *Looks over to the Menorah sitting next to her buddha and bottle of holy water blessed by Pope John Paul II. :)*

Answer 5

i would do my best  tell them no when you think that is wrong most of it is you. you can get tips from people but if you  want a good kid discipline not the hit grab hard and stuff put them in the corner at age when you feel comfortable and treat them well and they will listin to you well teens that is a little different them you have to be a lot more strict with but not bad and mean just look  out for them and dont let them get bad habits that is what i hate about some kids but i doubt that will happen to you

Answer 6

I am blessed with two very well behaved teenage boys. I never (and I mean NEVER) even have to raise my voice to them. They've never been spanked. They are courteous and respectful, and not at all interested in drugs...Girls, yes. But not drugs.

Here's a few of the standards that I believe made my job as a single parent easier than I had expected:

CONSISTENCY - Be consistent with your love, your boundries, and your character. Consistency is so important in their lives, and when they experience a consistantly respect-worthy character in you, they will honor you for that.

RESPECT - Treat them like intelligent people, because they are. Instead of "NO! Because I said so!" Try reasoning with them, and explain things to them. Allow them to understand why they have the boundries and limits that they have. If your character commands respect (earns it) then they will respect you. Likewise, if you treat them with respect, they will naturally grow to deserve it.

LOVE - There's no such thing as too much love, as long as it is the right kind of love. Love doesn't mean buying them things to keep them happy, or being their 'friend'. Love is the foundation to all effective discipline, and any other positive nurturing for them.

One more thing; it helps to keep in mind that some of the most profound things we will learn in our life time, are things we learn from our kids. And don't be afraid to tell them when they've taught you something, it helps them to see how important they are in your life.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm a well-behaved teenager and my parents raised me to think for myself and let me make my own mistakes. They did not shelter me from reality and learning things on my own has helped me.

Parents who shelter their kids only make their kids rebel and cause problems.

Answer 8

I am a well behaved teen and i can give you lots of advice...first of all please don't ever EVER under any circumstances hit your child....second of all ground them if necessary but not excessively.If they did something wrong teach them wrong from right by sitting them down and talking with them about what they did and why it is wrong and then tell deal out the punishment....third of all have a daily routine for them. Example: they need to be up by a certain time they need to have their chores done by a certain time and they need to have a reasonable curfew....I wish you the best of luck and hope i helped.

Answer 9

I'd have to say I used trial-and-error parenting (LOL).   There have been a lot of trials and a few errors!

Seriously, my philosophy has always been that kids are people, and within the limits of their ability to understand,  I tried to treat them with the same respect and consideration that I'd give to a good friend.  When they were little, that meant loving them, taking care of them, and teaching them appropriate behavior; as they got older, it meant helping them to set their own goals (not mine), solve their own problems (not necessarily my way), and develop their talents and interests (they weren't always my interests and certainly not my talents).  

I tried always to remember that they are unique persons; I cannot bend and shape them to my will; they have to shape their own lives.  Sometimes it's helpful for me to try to see the world from their point of view.  What looks like a mistake from my perspective might look like a rational choice from theirs (it may still be a mistake, but at least I can sometimes understand it).  Which brings me back to trial and error - we all learned from our mistakes, but it's oh so hard to let our kids do that!  I'm working on that.

I guess I'd call this a child-centered approach.  It has worked pretty well so far.  My kids are leaving the nest and are competent, smart, and kind.

Answer 10

We have five children.  They are 15,13,8,5 and 4.  My children are really well behaved (not bragging; just making a point).  My husband and I have always been parent directed parents.  We haven't really called it that, but essentially that is what is was.  For example, my children were "pushed"  into potty training when they were developmentally ready and we have always set guidelines and limitations and stuck by them. We believe 100% that parents have to be in control.  We have brought our children up to value authority and to obey it.  We have also taught them to form their own opinions, but that their authority is to be respected...ALWAYS.

My own mom raised me with a very freestyle type of parenting.  I call it lackadaisical.  She was always there for me and too good care of me, but she almost never set limits and NEVER punished me for anything, although I needed it a few times.  She doesn't believe that children should ever be told no and she believes that parents should accommodate children in whatever it is they want to do.  Like if a two year old doesn't WANT to pee in the potty, then she believes that mom and dad should keep buying diapers and just wait on the child to be interested.  We believe that children HAVE to be taught to do the right thing and that includes, sharing, no biting, potty training and obedience.

So I guess you could say that my kids are well behaved because their parents have "LED" them to good behavior.

***************************ADD********...

Taking the authority doesn't necessarily make your children fear you.  Fear comes when people are mistreated and or abused.  My husband and I are very loving, soft spoken parents who speak kindly and respectfully to our children and hug and kiss them all the time.  Our children have never feared us and they come to us with any problem they have (some have been pretty personal!).  The secret lies in earning your child's love, respect and admiration.  Then they will want to please you and they won't have to fear you.

Answer 11

Make sure that you set an example for them. ALWAYS be polite to strangers and people you know, use table manners (elbows off the table and no slurping or playing with food), say please and thank you, etc. You don't necessarily have to send them to church if they don't want to. I decided I was atheist when I was about 7 or 8, and my parents didn't push me to believe in anything.

Another thing that made me so polite as a teenager is as a young child, if I misbehaved out in public my parents would hit me, so I knew not to do anything stupid.

Just remember: children see, children do.

Answer 12

I just raised them in church, spanked when necessary, grounded when they were 5+, and allowed them to fail when necessary. There is no one way of parenting that will work for every parent and every child. Just play it by ear, pray, and hope for the best. Good luck!

Answer 13

there is no perfect parents.

i am 28 years old. right now i can give you a long list of why my parents were great and how they were awful.  they did overprotective and strict parenting style.  they were closed minded.  my s*x talk was "don't do it".  no matter what i did my punishment were beatings. the only place i was allowed to go without my parents was school and my curfew was 3pm.  if i was 5 minutes late, i got smacked.

however, they were married, taught me the importance of education, God, being an upstanding citizen, respect, and obediance.  

it didn't matter how poor we were. i always had breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  i was free to eat as much or as little as possible.  my dad stayed home while my mom worked, when she came home dinner would be ready.  we all sat down to dinner together.