Parents so intrusive, how to deal with it? why they do it?

Question

im 22, and just moved back with my parents after a few years abroad. however, they havent changed.

basically, they are EXTREMELY intrusive, they open my mail, i cannot have anything around, if there is a mobile number on a piece of paper they will call it to find out who it is, if my mobile is lying around they will check through it, i cannot leave the house without being asked where im going, what time ill be back, who im going with, i am not a model son by any means, but ive never done anything illegal, unethical, etc. never been in trouble with the police or anything like that (before people suggest it!). they have done this with all 3 of us (me and my siblings) from day one, and its beyond a joke now, its like a full time job trying to have my own life.

im writing this now as ive just been downstairs and a letter i received earlier (which i didnt get around to opening) was open and on the sofa. so sick of it.

why do they do it? im not in a position to move out right now, otherwise i would. im so miffed now its too much! and if i tell them, all i get is "while your under our roof"....... they dont even knock before coming in my room because its "their house"...... im sure you get the picture....

Answer 1

control freaks, especially when they are your parents, are an exercise in patience and acceptance.

Only God knows why they (or at least one) feels compelled to act that way.

If you really have no choice but to stay there, get a post office box.  It is not that expensive.

Unfortunately for you, they are expressing reality when the say it is their home and they make the rules.

Are you certain you wouldn't be better off with a friend, relative - even a shelter???

Answer 2

All I can say is to try harder to get away from that house. Maybe if you were out on your own longer before moving back they would have respected your space due to you showing you are a stable adult and ready to live alone. Try harder.

Answer 3

Wow, that sucks. My wife's parents are kind of like that. She went to stay with them while I was deployed. She's almost 23, we have a kid and our own place, why do they treat her like she's in high school when she stays with them?

Maybe they have trust issues. Maybe they think that you'll do something that they would actually be doing. But either way, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. You were out of the house for a few years--you would think they'd relax a bit.

Have you mentioned to them that it's illegal for them to open your mail? It is. I'd mention it. I would also try and find a way to turn the tables on them and show them how much it sucks not to have the privacy and freedom to be a grown person. Start walking in on them in their room, as disgusting as that might be.

Or you could try talking to them again, but preface the conversation with a demand for respect and silence and that they just listen to and consider what you have to say. And finish up with some questions to them asking them what they're worried about, why they feel the need to snoop through your stuff, and what you can do to assure them that you're not doing anything unlawful.

I'd also start preparing to move out. You're really not in a healthy situation for your age. Your parents have some issues that they most likely won't deal with before you move out.

Answer 4

That sucks x_x ... My parents don't even do some of those things to me. EG: knocking before coming in, opening my letter. They never did that and I am younger than you. overprotective, I guess... Only thing that you could do is to tell them.

Answer 5

You need to move as soon as possible.

I was 25 yrs old when I left my parents home, and I have been back several times since due to finances, with children in tow.

Its never easy, my mother is very controlling and as she has aged this has got worse.

You need to point out that opening other peoples mail is actually illegal, not to mention an invasion of privacy, and how would they feel if you opened their mail.

You could get your mail re-directed to a post office box, you will need to set the box up first and then re-direct your mail, costs about £50 per year for the box and about £13 per 3 months for re-direction, this is from memory so you will need to check.

But whilst in their home you will need to do your best not to wind them up, that includes lying in bed till late etc, and coming in late at nite.

Concentrate on getting your own place as soon as possible.

Good luck

Answer 6

Talk to them. Tell them you need your privacy. If that fails...

Go through their stuff, see how they like it!

Open their mail.

Ask them where they're going etc everytime the leave the house

...and interrogate them when they get back

basically everything they do, take to the extreme!

On a more serious note, if this doesn't stop I suggest either (a) moving out and finding your own place or (b) offer to be taken on by your parents as a lodger. You pay rent and they give you privacy

Hope this helped =)

Answer 7

That's how my parents are too but I'm 15. I'm just guessing that they think that your like a teenager like me and think you haven't grown up yet. That's how my dad is. You might just have to deal with it unless you confront them and tell them you have had enough of them going thru your stuff. Hope this helps and good luck with your parents. =)  

Answer 8

Because they Care and love you. You will find that out when one day you will become a parent.

Answer 9

yah i understand...

tell them that you are 22 years old and you are not a kid anymore, and you should have privacy even if you are living in their house. Tell them you do not like being treated that way and they should let you grow up.

Answer 10

Write a letter telling your parents that you are an adult and would like to be treated as one. Explain all the things that annoy you..like opening your mail.. entering your room. Address it to yourself and when they open it they might get the message.  

Answer 11

you just need to sit down with them and explain that even though you do live under their roof, they still need to respect your privacy. you're an adult already and they need to understand that. but make sure you tell all that you're thinking otherwise they won't talk you seriously...like it seems like they haven't been. open up to them more about your life (if you don't already) then they'll learn to trust you more. and probably not be so nosey. some parents (actually, most parents...) are like that. just talk to them and try to get their side as of why they're doing that also. be calm about the whole thing while talking to them instead of getting mad if they say something you don't agree with.

...hope i helped.

Answer 12

thats c**p, i dont know why they do that my mom doesnt even open my mail, even when i was 18 and off to college, if they wont listen to u all u can do is try your best to save u money and get the h**l outta there

Answer 13

God, that sounds so insanely annoying.

Try to have a talk with them. TRY. Even if you don't think they'll listen.

Answer 14

God that is terrible and they HAVE gone to far.  How can they expect to trust you if they don't give you the chance.  I feel so bad for you, it's not normal for them to be like that.  Have you thought about writing them a letter telling them exactly how you feel but addressing it to yourself so that when they open it, it might make them think a bit.

You could say to them that you've never done anything illegal or unethical, but that is because you don't want to do those things, not because they forced you not to.  Explain to them that at the moment you are forced to live with them and that if they carry on with their behaviour they will have no relationship with you when you move out because of the way they have treated you.  Tell them you are an adult now and that they have instilled great morals in you but now they have to let you go to live by them.  

Tell them that they need to back off and watch their hard work paid off.  You sound like a great person, it's unfortunate for them that they are pushing you away.

If needs be, print out every good answer on here and show it too them!!  Good luck xx

Answer 15

Being a parent myself I think they probably see you STILL as a young child that they need to protect and monitor.  I know you are 22, but to them you are still a child.  They think they are doing something that is in your best interest.  I know it's annoying and crazy, but it is very hard for some parents to let go because we still constantly worry about the safety of our kids, if our kids are making the right decisions, etc.  no matter the age.  It's  just harder for some to let go and let their kids become adults, and you being in their house makes it kinda hard to complain about.  At least you know they love ya.  Just wait until you have your own kids.  If I were you, I would save money to get my own apartment, and then you can have your freedom.

Answer 16

dedicate all your time to doing whatever it is you need to get yourself moved out of your parents house!

Answer 17

You have to confront them unless you want to move out. I know you say that's not possible, but, I believe it is. You don't say which country you are in, but in the UK it is illegal to open mail with someone else's name on it. Do pay rent for your room? If you do, then its your space and you should be able to put a lock on your door. You really need to put them in their place. They act this way because you have allowed them to control you and your life. Stop it now, before it comes to blows.  

Answer 18

Strange as it may sound they are probably like that because they care about you and want to make sure you ok. Although does sound like they are being way over-protective.

I think you need to move out. I lived with my parents for a bit after I finished uni and they did my head in. Soon as I moved out and got my own flat I got on a lot better with them.

Answer 19

You're 22, you should have had your own place by now!  You chose to move back with them knowing how they are, so stop complaining and do something to change your situation!

Answer 20

Talk to them, tell them you're an adult and you want some privacy. Try to level with them, you know, compromise. Some parents are just douchebags who think that because they're the parent they're God, which in a way is true but hopefully your parents will listen.