Parents thoughts on their kids drinking?

Question

Growing up, my mother and I had a very close relationship. I would usually drink at my house with my close friends, who would sleep over, with my mother in the other room. I am now in college and rarely drink because it’s not a huge deal to me.

A have friends who were not allowed to drink in high school and had strict curfews. All of these people drank and lied to their parents. They would drive home drunk in order to make curfew. These are the same people who went crazy in college, intoxicated with freedom. They pushed drinking & s*x to the max because they no longer had to hide it. It went from total restriction to total freedom & no boundaries, & they went off. A friend of mine almost died from alcohol at a party. She was dragged outside & left in a gutter because people were afraid of getting in trouble. Binge drinking is so huge in America because it is so taboo & forbidden. It’s not as common in Europe because kids often have a glass with dinner and can be open about it.

I want my kids to know they can call anytime for a ride home or try a few drinks with friends at home so I can make sure everyone is safe.

I think kids are going to do what they want to do

Q1: opinions?

Q2: personal experiences about correlation between partying & strict boundaries?

Q3: Why are so many against giving kids a safe place to experiments where they can watch over?

Answer 1

Parents who let their children drink are unit to even have them. If you let children drinks, they will think it is okay, and continue to do so, worsening their habits. Instead, try educating your child on the dangers of alcohol abuse.

Answer 2

My aunt and one of my friends mom allowed us to drink.  For us, it was no big deal, but we also respected our parents other rules.  We stayed in the house, it didnt happen all the time, and we kept our selves out of trouble.

That same aunt let her son drink and his friends from the time they were like 14 and still are at 19 (he still lives at home, in the US where drinking age is 21).  He doesnt and never has respected his parents rules, which is ultimatly their fault for not having consistent discipline.  He now abuses alcohol, drinks and drives, carries on.  A few years ago they would drink and then after everyone was in bad take the cars out for joy rides while drunk.  And when she wouldnt let them drink, they would just steal it from the liquer cabinet.  We ended up finding out that had stolen a lot of alcohol and filled the bottles back up with water, so know one noticed until they went to make a drink for themselves.

In the end, it depends on the child.  For me, it was fine. For my cousin, it clearly was not fine.

And then, it brings up the issue....  if the parents are allowing kids to drink, where is the line?  Are they allowed to use marijuana?  Cocain?  X?  Well, those are all bad drugs and illegal.  Well, so is under age drinking.

And of course, if your child has a large mouth.  If the wrong people find out you are providing your under age child, and their friends alcohol, you could be charged and loose custody.

Answer 3

My family was a lot like yours. There was not a stigma placed on alcohol and my parents often gave my friends and I a safe place to experiment with alcohol and stay the night. I am now 33 yrs old and I don't drink at all. When I did turn 21, I hardly ever drank. It just wasn't that big of a deal. On the other hand, my friends who felt they had to hide it from their parents went crazy when they had a bit of freedom to do so. One of my friends used to drink and party EVERY night when she got her first apartment. It was crazy. But her parents were super conservative and strict and she wasn't allowed to do anything. Her curfew was 10pm on weekends when she lived with them. Even after she turned 18. She not only drank a lot, but she never talks to her parents. She's not close with them at all because she wasn't allowed any sort of freedom at all.

I now have 2 children of my own and I can't see letting their friends drink at my house now. Not because I am against it, but because of the laws nowadays. I wish it wasn't like that, but parents can now spend a long time in jail for allowing it. It's too bad. I will however allow my children to drink at home on special occasions. Parents do a huge disservice to their children by shoving them into this little box and not letting them venture out of it and be themselves. I know I'll get a ton of thumbs down on this, but it's why the world has turned to s**t. Teenagers are doing more drugs, having s*x earlier, and drinking more than ever before. And I think parents have themselves in large part to blame for it. My husband is in college majoring in Societal Studies and is amazed how often he sees parents making grave mistakes when it comes to their children. There is too much emphasis put on having 'things' and keeping up with the jonses. Having your child be the best at all costs and it creates an environment where children will rebel (usually with drugs and alcohol) and resent!

I could go on forever, but I'll leave it at that.  

Answer 4

I can see what you are saying but if you allow your children to drink at home and they have friends over and god forbid something happen to their friend you would be in serious trouble and at the risk of being sued by the other parents. Talking to your your kids about where you stand and what you expect from them is a much better approach. I would not let my children go to a friends house where underage drinking is allowed.

Answer 5

My wife and I are very open about the effects and results of drinking with our daughter (hers, my stepdaughter). She's now 16 and entering the social scene in a really big way because she's one of the most attractive young women in her school.

Having both had bad experiences growing up, my wife and I have made a point of telling our daughter what to avoid, who to stay away from, and how to keep yourself in control while still enjoying social activities where drinking might be taking place. The fact that her biological father is a complete F*** UP with drugs and alcohol also helps her stay in good shape and not end up in trouble.

As for strict boundaries, I don't agree with them. Kids will find ways to get around us, and especially in an age of MySpace communication. Kids can discuss partying at 2am while the parents are asleep, and many parents didn't have the foresight to keep an eye on kids online activities. There are so many options now, it's hard to know which site they're using to communicate with their friends.

As for Q3, I think it's because we all recognize the danger inherent in being charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I'd love it if our daughter would invite her friends to our place for a safe night of partying, but when word got out that we were the "cool" parents, the law would come down like a ton of bricks.

Answer 6

It is against the law and you can get jail time for letting your kids drink, plus i think it is a very bad example for them.  Plus letting other children drink in your house is not your choice to make, you are responsible for them while they are there, letting something illegal and wrong happen in your home is not right either.  I am 29 my parents never drank, were very strict with curfews and everything. (senior year 8pm weekdays 10 pm weekends).  We would be grounded from everything (phone, tv, sports, etc) just for not doing a chore we were asked to do.  Now in college, i worked full time day and did classes full time at night.  I didn't party or drink or go crazy on anything. I was 22 before I even drank.  I would go out with my friends, they drink and I am fine with none or just one or two drinks.  I always say if it wasn't for the strict life and good example my parents set for me I would not have turned out as good as I did.  Now I am now pregnant with my first child and the one thing I know for sure is I will raise her the same way my parents did, very strict, very hard on the rules, but always have the family times and love there.  My parents weren't there to be my friends, they were there to help guide me in life and teach me values and they did that.  As much as I hated them during certain times, if I was hurt or sad I went to them first because they still gave me the love and understanding I needed that your friends could never give you the way a parent does.  

Answer 7

Any parent that allows their child to drink alcohol, should be put in jail. Strict boundaries are a fact of life, and the sooner kids learn the better. The law is the law!

Answer 8

I don't think that I would allow my kids to drink like your parents did but maybe on a social occasion, have some wine or maybe a wine cooler...but then they are probaby 17ish...I don't know yet...depends on my kid, right now they are 4 and 2, so I don't think about it.

Answer 9

well im 17 and my parents are really strict about everything. they set early curfews and i can't sleep over my friends houses usually, and i've been grounded many times for drinking. and its serious groundation, like no car for a month and no friends and no nothing. and they carry it out. ive never driven drunk, i get rides from my friends, but im usually late and my parents dont usually notice my drunkness. but they do wait up for me and i have to come and see them before i go to bed. my friends are like "it makes more sense if you can sleep out". i know that when i go to college next year, im going to relish in my freedom. i don't have an alcohol problem and i dont need it to have a good time, but at a party ill have a few and i dont get falling down drunk, but it just feels so good to know that i pulled a fast one on my parents. and the grounding doesnt work because i still go drink, and all of my friends do.

i know kids are going to do what they want to. almost all of my friends have gotten in trouble for being drunk or having alcohol on them, and all of them continue to do it anyway. and i dont think my group of friends are that much different than the average group of american teenagers.

well Q3, i think my parents wont condone it because its illegal, and it makes it seem like they approve of underage drinking, and heaven forbid the rest of my town finds out they let me drink. .

i was just in spain for a month studying spanish, and everyone drank over there. the drinking age is 18, but they'd sell alcohol to anyone. i definitely met some kids that were way too drunk, but the difference is that they could all walk home because the houses were so close. at least in my town, we all live further than walking distance. and every saturday the town would have a party in a parking lot, and everyone would just go and get hammered. and cops would be there in plain clothes, just in case. it just seemed so much safer than my experience with american parties.

its just such a difficult subject to discuss.

Answer 10

in my personal experience i have only ever got drunk two times in my life, and both where when i was under the legal age of drinking.  now i dont drink at all.  with my daughter i would give her a small amount of alcohol with a meal but she would have to be atleast 16 and only when i am with her so i can take care of her.

Answer 11

I saw similar things when I went to college years ago. My parents were not restrictive and I did not act out in college.  However, my mother-in-law would not allow her son to play with guns as a kid. When he grew up he was gun crazy--had five or six. When kids are not allowed to have something, then this is the thing that they are going to want when they are finally free. As for your comments about Europe, they are not entirely true. There is binge drinking among teens in some countries in Europe such as Sweden and Finland. Alcohol sales are strictly controlled by the government in Sweden and you can only buy at the government controlled monopoly. What you have is a mentality where even middle-aged men and women go nuts when they get the chance to drink. I witnessed a group of people in their 40's on a Friday afternoon, just around 1:30, drinking on a train and hiding it from the conductor as he passed by! By the time we got to the station in the city about half an hour later, some were visibly influenced. I wonder what they looked like by 6 p.m. I think the key to anything is to not act as if it is such a big deal. Thank goodness I had no problems with my own daughter. However, I think that was because she saw her Swedish father drunk every weekend for 20 years. (He died five years ago.) Just some thoughts.

Answer 12

I was never allowed to drink while in high school.  While I don't agree with a lot of the things my mother did, this is one area where we agree.  Even though i never drank in high school, I was taught that the only thing it does for you is make you temporarily stupid.  So I didn't drink much in college.  I won't say I didn't try a drink now and then, but i never went crazy with it and I was never so drunk that I didn't know what was going on around me.  

My children will absolutely not drink in my house.  Experimenting is fine, but there are rules and they need to learn to follow the rules and have some self-discipline.  Saying "they're going to do it anyway" is a cop-out for parents who don't want to deal with the hard parts of raising children.

Answer 13

I think her aproach was awesome and quite intelligent. I think the same could be done with s*x and recreational drugs. Kids are going to do it one way or another. The sane approach is to deal with it in a mature and sensible way to reduce going overboard when you get the chance

Answer 14

A1:  As a (relatively) young new parent, I doubt I will be as "cool" as your mom was.  I firmly believe that children need "tough love" from time to time, and that means establishing boundaries and standards of acceptable behavior.  Anyway, where does the permissive parenting stop?  If you let your child drink at home, why not let her experiment with drugs too, or fornicate up in her room?  Drinking, in and of itself, isn't "wrong" (to me), but you, as a parent, have to draw the line SOMEWHERE.  

My daughter will know that (a) underage drinking is against the rules, but (b) I'm realistic enough to know that she probably WILL drink - at some point, so (c) she can call me at any time, day or night, to come pick her up, no questions asked, and finally (d) doing drugs, and drinking and driving, will carry SERIOUS consequences, in my house or otherwise.

Parents need to be parents first, and friends second, to their kids.

A2:  I grew up with a very strict, authoritarian father whom I feared until I was in my early twenties.  I was a "good kid" while living in his house, but when I went away to school, I went CRAZY like most children from that type of background.  I don't want to repeat my dad's mistakes, but don't get me wrong:  a LITTLE BIT of fear is a good thing in parenting - it's an essential element of respect.  Children need to know that there are consequences to their actions, because that's just the way life works in the real world.

A3:  Again, boundaries have to be drawn.  Where to draw the line is a delicate proposition, but hopefully, if you've raised your child right, they will KNOW what is acceptable and what is not.  My daughter is probably going to drink.  I don't have to like it, but by the same token, I don't have to condone it or permit it either.  In any case, doing drugs or drinking/driving crosses the line - sorry.