Parents vs. Husband...What would you do??

Question

I work for my parents and will soon be getting another job. My parents treat me horrible...the basically use and abuse me so they can make lots of money and I can barely make it. My dad is now having some major health problems. So instead of speaking with my mom about all the things that bother me, I take it home to my husband. And YES I know this is not the right thing to do. I don't want to speak with my mom because I know how stressed she is right now and my little issues won't be important. There are many little things about the things that my parents do/say that make my husband just down right hate them. He doesn't want me to spend time with them, buy them anything, or have them come to our house. An example, they have a lot of money and his parents are average. My parents gave us a loan that we have to pay back while his parents gave us the same amount of money with no strings attached. So now they are greedy in his eyes as well. By the way I am an only child. My husband and I continue to fight about it. I really don't want to get divorced over this but I shouldn't have to shut my parents out of my life completely either. What would you do??

Answer 1

You're weak willed and immature. You're being abused and used, and still you work for them. And you lay it on your husband. That's okay. You should be able to talk about it to him. BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. So, not only do you let them abuse you, you let them abuse your husband through you. They do the dirt, he pays the price. Your choosing your parent's money over your husband. PICK ONE.

Oh, yeah. You already did. Bye, bye, hubby. (Unless he's as big a dope as you.)  

Answer 2

Keep seeing your parents if you want, but quit complaining about them to your husband.  He loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt by them.  Based on what you've said, I really can't say I blame him for feeling the way he does.  They don't sound like they're very kind people.

P.S.  On the issue of the loans.  Your husband is right.  If you give money to family, it should be a gift with no expectation of repayment.  If it will be held against you by your family then you shouldn't take it.  Personally, I don't think it's ever a good idea to take money from family, whether it's to be paid back or not.

Answer 3

I think the best solution is to distance yourself from your family. Find another job. Pay back the loan and don't rely on them. Be friendly and polite but since they are not people you feel good about, don't let them disturb your marriage.

Answer 4

im a strong believer of parents coming first, but then at the same time all you do is complain to him about them so of course he's going to hate them!!  You know that you going home to him and venting is only making the situation worse for you and your husband. As for the money thing he's lucky you 2 got money to help buy a home a lot of parents can't even do that for their children.  To say they are greedy for having to pay them back i think is greedy of him to even say that!! Great his parents gave it as a gift to were as yours maybe wanted to instill some strange responsiblity in paying back a loan and let you know that not everything is free. who knows.  Don't get a divorce over this but maybe you need to stop telling him how irritated your family makes you.  I understand your mother is stressing but have you even TRIED talking with her about how you feel? If she doesn't care then it's time for you to find another job maybe and just be around your mother when family time is needed.  

Answer 5

You need to grow up and cut ties with your parents. Your husband is sick of your drama with them

Answer 6

Could be your not speaking with your husband, maybe your taking your frustrations out on him in your conversation about your parents. It's not reasonable to think you can make your husband that mad by talking about a bad situation at work. If he were to be mad about something it should be that you are not working somewhere else by now.

As far as dealing with your parents, you are the only one that can do that. Husband needs to keep the distance if you let him, even though you can share the problem it's yours 100% and you need to deal with it. Take the money and job out of the equation and see what the relationship is really. If it's still as bad as you say, then I would agree that you need to put some space between the parents and marriage.

I have some experience in the bad in-law area. Several years ago my current wife would protect her Mom that I hated. I eventually turned it around by making sure I asked her parents for help (money, logistics or whatnot) before anyone else. I usually started out by telling her that before I ask my parents I wanted to know if she (mother-in-law) was interested in helping us with this particular problem. The fact that I was consulting with her first usually got me successful results.

Answer 7

People say that blood is thicker than water, meaning support you relatives at the cost of friends and spouses. I don't necessarily buy into that, especially after your opening line saying that your parents treat you horribly. Whether or not they pay you enough I don't know, but if you are getting a second job, then chances are that they aren't doing right by you.

The more you bad mouth your parents to your spouse, the more his protective instincts will rise and he will want to protect you - even from yourself. He may be seeing things that you can't, since you have suffered this sort of treatment your whole life, so to you it must seem normal. He, on the other hand, can help advise you to see things from the other side.

Who do you trust really has your best intentions in mind?

Who has stood by you, supporting you, listening to you, caring for you, no matter what? Do you feel like your parents love is conditional - that if you mess up they won't love you anymore? Do you feel that way about your husband?

Is there a way to find a comfortable compromise?

Things don't have to be all or nothing.