Parents who have lost a child?

Question

How did you lose your child?

How did you cope?

Answer 1

my baby was born prematurely and die when she was 6 weeks old. I went to see a councillar and had my families support behind me. without them i dont know what i would have done.

i had to talk to someone as bottling it up made it a whole lot worse. talk to someone you trust.

it will be hard at first. I still miss her everyday and think of her all the time still. She'll always remain in my heart.

xx

Answer 2

I have not, but have seen two dear friends who did. They went through all the stages of guilt, and had to come to terms with it. There is always guilt..I would suggest a book on the stages of grief, and there are lots of forums on the web for women and men who have lost their little ones. It does help to know that everything you go through is normal, and that you have to go through one stage to get to the next and for the healing to take place..But, there will always be a hole in your heart..always..I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

I very recently lost my son to leukemia. He was three years old and was ill for a long time before he died. To answer your question, I'm not really coping. But I have no choice, being the Dad of two other children. I don't think it's really hit me yet and I can't come to terms with him not being here. My sleeping patterns have been irregular and all I can think about is the moments I last saw him. It's unbearable, I miss him more than anything and I'd give anything to have him back. But what good would that do?

I'm trying hard to remember the good times, before he got ill. Even when he was in hospital, he was positive and always happy. It broke my heart to see him like that. The thing is, I will never stop loving him and I'll never stop missing him. I'll always be the Father of three, not two and in my eyes he'll always be the 3-year-old boy we all loved. If I didn't have these memories, I don't think I'd be able to carry on at all.

It's hard, I don't have a method or any advice. I'm just staying strong for the rest of my family.

Answer 4

I had a son, Evan, with my first husband 27yrs ago. I got married in July 1979 at 20yrs (now 49yrs) and he was born on March 1, 1981. My first husband and I didn't have a lot getting married so young, and adding a baby didn't make things any better. We were both working full time, him during the evening and me during the day. We rarely saw each other, just wrote notes about what the baby did while we were home with him to give to the other. When we were together, we fought constantly about everything you could imagine, but we stayed together for the sake of our son and in hopes that the future would be brighter. In March 1983 he lost his last straw and left us. I signed divorce papers and he was never heard from again.

I continued to work and Evan stayed with my mother. It was tiring, but I did what needed to be done. My son became the center of my world and what made me want to get up every single morning.

One Feb evening in 1984, my mom told me that Evan slept the entire day and didn't feel very well. I didn't really think anything of it, but the following day she told me the same thing. The 10hrs he was with her, from 9am-7pm, he slept 9 of them. The weekend came and he continued to sleep constantly. He started running a fever, coughing, throwing up, and having similar symptoms of the flu. I made an appointment for the doctor for that Monday.

We went and the doctor told me it was the flu. I took off work to take care of him, knowing it'd make things pretty tight come bill time at the end of the month. Days went by, then a week or two. He was still sick and nothing was getting better. I took him back to the doctor and he ran tests. Nothing came up, but he gave me a different medications and told me to write down all the foods he ate over the course of a week, thinking maybe he was allergic to something. That did nothing. Finally, after 4 weeks of this, I took him to the emergency room. They too ran tests and nothing came up. I was crying and extremely stressed. Evan was crying and tired. I knew SOMETHING had to be wrong! No child could be sick like this for no reason! But no one had an answer. I do remember one doctor suggesting it to be stress or that I was doing something to him. To believe such a thing...sickening.

On March 22, 1984, I came into his room to wake him and found him passed out. I rushed him to the hospital myself, but he ended up passing away within an hour of being there. No one could tell me what he passed away from, other than an weak imune system, or what the sickness was that he had. I have though heard several stories of this happening to other people’s children over the years and there is a name for it, but I can't remember at this point in time.

After Evan passed away, I was a mess. I was almost 25yrs old and wasn't sure what to do with myself. I stayed in my apartment, didn't want to go to work, couldn't even walk into my room to sleep because that required me to walk past Evan's room. One of my close friends, my current husband, took me out to dinner one night and told me I needed to see the outside world. He never pushed me to talk, but constantly reminded me that he was there if I needed him. (I started speaking to a professional eventually, whom had lost a child as well).

Every where I went, I was reminded of Evan. Seeing a playground, a toy store, the cereal isle. When I heard a mom say then name Evan, forget it, i was a mess right then and there. Part of me wanted to be over his death. The other part wanted him to come back. I was never sure which one I should want or believe in and that also caused a lot of stress.

But at home, I left his room the way it was. I bought a journal and wrote about him while sitting on his bed. It was hard and it took me several tries before I actually wrote anything, but it helped me vent. I'd also write letters and cards to him. I kept photos up of him, kept pictures up on the fridge that he drew. With time, I was able to talk about him and mention his name without crying. I also found a support group which helped A LOT! You're never alone in this case...sadly there are many who've gone through this. The first few times I went, I just listened and was too afraid to tell my story. Then one meeting, I raised my hand to answer a question and my story just rambled out. I found comfort in telling complete strangers my story, because I didnt so much want the comfort, the "I'm sorry" or the hugs, but for someone to just simply listen. Also, my personality and goals changed. I volunteered at the children's hospital twice a week. I found myself not taking this for granted and living every day to the fullest. Overall I became more supportive and understanding of others.

Before I got married to my current husband in June 1988, I wrote out a long letter to Evan about how hard it had been the last couple years without him, all my thoughts and feelings and what I was going to do in the future to keep him alive in my heart. I brought the letter to a church, even though I wasn't very religious, and had it burned by a priest. I then went home and packed up all his things, notes and cards and brought them to our new home.

My husband and I had our first daughter on Dec 17, 1989. After her birth, I had a hard time and was very emotional. A lot of feelings of having a baby in the past came back, feelings I thought I had over come. I felt that I should have two children at the moment instead of one and that something was missing.

I had a dream about a month after my daughter was born of Evan at 3yrs seeing the baby and being very excited and in my dream he told me that he was going to watch the baby all the time. THAT DREAM was what truly got me over to the fence to the Accepting period from the Mourning/ Guilty period...almost 6yrs later.

Evan is still very much alive in our home still to this day. My son's middle name is Evan. The name of my company is Evans Decorators. On March 1 we always have a big special dinner. There are still 2 pictures of Evan in my house. One in my bedroom and another in the family room. My kids asked who the child was when they were little and I responded with, "It's Evan." Surprisingly no questions were asked about who he was, who he belonged to, why they never met him etc. People have come over and said, "Who's this child?" and my kids, now 18, 16 & 12, still respond with, "Oh, that's Evan." I  told them the entire story from start to finish only about a year ago.

I have been asked a few times, "Do you miss your son?" and I don't know why people assume that because you're no longer extremely upset about a child or person in general passing away or you move on that you don't miss the deceased person. I think about Evan daily, just like I think of Justine, Bradin and Sydney daily. He's just as real to me and I miss him like any parent would miss a child who's not currently with them. When people ask, "How many children do you have?" I say 3 instead of 4. In a way I feel that Evan is soley my family and my "issue" and no one else's. I have been told several times that this is incorrect but I can't change it in my heart. I do though have a "Mother's Necklace" which is this necklace with little people on it and I have 3 people for each of my kids and a heart for Evan. I believe I parent the way I parent because of him. I very rarely yell at my kids, but constantly talk and try and work things out. Take nothing for granted or waste time. I couldn't see myself parenting this way.

Best Wishes

Answer 5

My parents lost my brother in a car accident.  It was hard to watch them in so much pain.  My mom cried everyday for over a year, and my dad harbored so much regret.

They both were eventually put on anti-depressants, but they still take them... which I don't think is always the answer.

I know my mom created a web-site type memorial for him, in.memory_of.com or something like that.. my dad just kept busy, but really it is time that heals ---  time and someone to talk to about it.

I prayed to God he helped me heal a lot.  If you are the one suffering this loss, God be with you, remember the kingdom of heaven belongs to childeren.

If you are a friend, just be there, through their stages of grief-

they may even try and push you away.. I know I did.

Just be there to listen, to help out.

Pray, pray, pray

Answer 6

i havent lost a child but i did lose my best friend at the age of 18. He had a form of cancer that is very rare it sprend to his bones and muscles. He was always looking at the bright side of things. Its hard a friend to see him go throught that. His mom was very strong but she also had 3 other children to take care of. she was in a childhood cancer support group in her town and that helped her alot. She always thought she did everything wrong and that it was all her fault. But the support group taught her in a way that it wasnt her fault it was her sons turn to be in god's hands and teach all of us on earth how to deal with a death so close to us.

**if you lost your child sorry to hear that and god will help you out.**