Parents with Young Adult ISSUES

Question

Friday, my soon to be 20yr old daughter decided to spring on me at the last minute - she was going to San Diego with some friends for the week end and that she would be home on Sunday (we live in Fontana). She gave me bogus information about where she would actually be - Long story short, she didn't get in until Monday. My husband talked to her when she finally came home - as I was at work and of course she had the same O tone of response. Later that night when she was off to work, I took it upon myself to go look thru her room... and right there on top in a open duffel bag, I came across airline flight information to & from Atlanata GA with her name on it. I have not addressed it yet - as this just happened last night..........I'm just so Upset, I can't even look at her, let alone talk to her. So how to handle this one...???

Answer 1

She is an adult and even though she lyed to you about where she was going maybe she didnt want you knowing something such as personal matters. It doesnt matter if she didnt get back until Monday even though she said she would be home Sunday.

Again she is an adult and doesnt always have to tell you her where abouts and whats going on in her life even though you would like to hang on to her as long as you can. The truth is that you cant always hang onto your children. Shes only 20 now but she will get older and meet a boyfriend and get married and have children of her own and move out and after that you dont have any control really over her.

Just ask how her trip was and MAYBE when the time is right ask her about the tickets, but I wouldnt because I dont like the fact that parents go threw their childrens stuff, EXPECAILY at age 20. By that age they should be trusted and not worry about their parents going threw stuff. Just remember, shes a 20 yr old ADULT.

Good luck whatever you do.  

Answer 2

I would not want to live with another adult who was lying to me & treating me with disrespect.

Sounds like you both need to find new room-mates.  

I would guess that she's lying because she thinks she would not like your reaction to her truth.  

And, I'm guessing that you think you have the right to have her follow house rules (tangled up with the feeling that you still need to teach her some things about how to behave & be safe & make good decisions), especially if she's living there free of charge, but even if she is paying rent.  

She needs to decide if she wants to continue to live in your house, following your rules & knowing how you feel about her decision-making abilities (and that you have no intention of keeping quiet about it).  

You, also, need to decide if you want her to continue living there, knowing what you know about her.

Personally, if I were on either side of this relationship, I'd think that it's about time that she moves out & starts making, learning from & taking responsibility for her own mistakes in life.  

Answer 3

There are a couple things I see wrong with this situation.

1. She's nearly 20 and still living with you as if she was 12. Is she in college or still in high school? If not, there is no reason for her to be there.

2. You're looking through her stuff as if she's 12.

Did you have to pay for her trip to San Diego? If not, why would you consider your adult daughter to be springing anything on you? Is she so irresponsible where you have to check her comings and going? Do you feel that because she lives in your house, that you can treat her as if she's a child? Finally, I can't see why she'd feel the need to lie about her comings and goings. It seems that someone needs to inform her that she's an adult and has to make adult decisions while being responsible for her actions.  

Answer 4

Sounds like a great opportunity to tell her that now that she is making her own rules and lying to you guys, it's the perfect time for her to be on her own, in her own house.  That way she can make whatever rules she wants to and doesn't have to lie to anyone.

Come on Mom...time for tough love.

Answer 5

take a deep breath, walk up to her and ask, "so how was your trip to Atlanta." She is an adult, and should be treated as such. You have no real reason to be mad about her making a trip to Atlanta, but you have all the reasons in the world to be upset she lied.

If she wants to run off to Spain without a word she's in her right and capability to do so, but she's living under your roof (I'm assuming) and therefore needs to follow your rules. I'm sure the rules include letting you know where she's going to be especially if it's for an extended period of time.

She's 20 so you can't really punish her for this, but here's some of my feelings:

1. If she's living rent free and has $ to pay for airfare to Atlanta, obviously she should be helping out with household expenses

2. Same goes for any other bills (car, cell phone, etc.) that you pay

3. If you are paying for the car, I don't see anything wrong with taking the keys for a week since, "you can't trust her to go to where she says she'll be"

Like I said before, she's an adult and should be treated as such, but lying is incredibly immature behavior and she should also have to face adult consequences.

Answer 6

I was that 20 year old just a few years ago.

I dont know how you are, but my parents were over baring and wouldnt let me breathe.  Everytime I told them something about my life I got yelled at or lectured.  So I began lieing so that I wouldnt have to justify every decision I ever made to my parents.  Then I moved out on my own.

And some people that age just like having their privacy.  Just because she went somewhere else doesnt mean she was doing something wrong, it may just means that she wanted to do it privately.  I remember lieing to my parents about something as stupid as what I had for lunch because I just didnt want them knowing everything.

It was kind of wrong for you to go through her stuff though.  Even living in your house, she is a legal adult.  So she got home a day late.  What exactly is the big deal in that?  I mean, would you want her grilling you on every single detail of your life?  Would you ahve wanted your parents grilling you on every single detail at that age?

Answer 7

well let me start off by saying i am not a parent whatsoever. your daughter is 20 years old though and obviously she was doing something that she didnt want you guys to find out about.

But the fact that you had to snoop around in her things doesnt help the situation. If you bring it up that you were snooping then she might flip and push you guys away even further.

Im sure you guys raised her right so you just have to respect her decision on not telling you guys everything. I dont tell my parents everything I do and i dont know anyone who does.

If you feel that you must address the situation just sit her down and have a conversation as two adults. Let her know that you know she wasnt in San Diego, you dont have to say how you found out, and just let her know that she didn't have to lie about where she was going, etc etc.

You really dont know what she was going out there all you can do is assume now, she could've been looking at schools, going to see an old friend, or just out partying. But whether it may be atlanta,Ga or San diego,Ca, those are just locations. She's going to do whatever she going to do wherever she is.