Part III the end. Will you read?

Question

GATES OF SPLENDOR part III

The gleaming gates begin to close,

the angel whispers in my ear,

"How close to death, no one else knows,

and now you must live with your fear."

The air around me scathing bright,

stark white coats through vision dim,

kept alive by faint green light

hearing tones disturbed and grim.

I'm forced to admit my mistake,

and tell the world that I have failed.

I bent too far; I had to break,

I live now with a heart impaled.

So I my former name do char,

killing the story I can't tell,

the reason that I wear this scar,

and danced along the edge of h**l.

Answer 1

I confess that while I was excited to see quatrains, I did not enjoy this poem as much as I expected;  I am not sure if it is because the subject matter is too numinous for my personal taste, or because I disagree with many of the metrical choices you made.  Content wise, I enjoyed `kept alive by faint green light' intensely, as I do many of your lines that would count as `observations.'  I found the dialogue of stanzas 6-7 abrupt and slightly vulgar-- understandably these shards are most difficult to do convincingly: for these reasons M. Shelley and E. Bronte adopted the sometimes useful technique of multiple layers of narration (or even Poe in Eldorado introduced the `pilgrim shadow').  But the introduction of Fates in, as Ms G notes in her commentary for Part II, an explicitly Christian interdiction against self-slaughter, is simply bizarre.

I suspect I-- personally-- found it more difficult to suspend disbelief because of your insistence in switching from time to time between trochaic and iambic lines.  I am sure this was deliberate, in order to convey the sense which Eliot called `throbbing between two lives;' but I do feel that longer narratives in verse must rely on increasingly subtle effects to remain convincing at an underlying level.  I could just be over-finicky about these points, of course, and probably am.

Here is how it seemed to me your 48 lines broke down:

Trochaic: 15 + 3 with dactylic substitutions

Iambic: 26 + 3 with anapestic substitutions + 1 with spondees also

The iambic line with anapestic and spondaic substitutions was of course the highly studied, `the god of love shattered his vow...;' I do much appreciate and admire what you tried to do with the scansion here, but to my ear the effect was not entirely jarring in what I perceive to be the right way.

Answer 2

I'm glad the invitation to the dance was broken a few poems back. I know that I would have accepted it and would have been glad to dance along the edge with you. You seem to have made it back. I don't know that I would have been able to do so. That's why I stopped writing poetry for some thirty years. Maybe you write because it keeps you from going over that edge.

Answer 3

Vivid.  Another surrealistic look at a possible afterlife.

I truly hope none of us will lose our souls as this seems to suggest could happen.

Answer 4

I have enjoyed everything of yours that I've read so far. Even this series, and by no means am I an avid reader of rhyming poetry, especially of this metre. But you pull it off excellently, and your word choice is intimidating. Keep up the good work!

Answer 5

waited for some splendor

but like always from you, got reality.

this is splenderful.  :)

Answer 6

I am not a student of the mechanics of poetry and it's forms,

as the above answerer. I say of my self, I write, read, by ear and heart, as one plays piano by ear.

And this part 3 comes with a differ thought, yet I think it blends, Spiritual/Human journey. As a total, I used a couple Kleenex! BRAVO-------------------!

Answer 7

How painfully do I connect with your words, having been where this poem lives more than once.  The second stanza brings that home in "tones disturbed and grim".  I have learned to wear my scars like paintings of my life upon my flesh, unashamed.  This is a most powerful poem.  It brings us back from the brink of h**l with heavenly words. The series is meaningful in the extreme and written with great ability. Thank you.

Answer 8

As you can see (and this is in response to the Q. on part I) you are received with open arms.... but not beyond critique...

Answer 9

I was assuming this was 3 parts of the same poem, but this one changed rhyme scheme.  It's still good, just surprised me a bit.