Past problems affecting relationship with new husband?

Question

My husband and I have been married about one year. We are both 45 and have the full complement of ex's, daughters, step-daughters, former in-law's, etc., most of which we take in stride. However, I was involved in a violent relationship for five years which I was finally able to extricate myself from. It seems that the scars from that are negatively affecting my marriage now. When we argue, I have a tendency to get really extreme really fast (always yelling, which he can't stand, and occasionally throwing things), and I recognize that this is a result of the irrational survival skills I learned in the scary relationship, but I can't figure out how to let go of them. I definitely am suffering from PTSS. Also, my husband tends to be passive and have a hard time making his point when we disagree, and I feel very goaded by that. Goaded to behave too extremely. Does any one have any ideas? I have gone to therapy, but I recognize that I'm probably not done there or I wouldn't still be having such severe dysfunction in my relationship.

Answer 1

What is ptss? Anyway, I think recognizing you have a problem is the first step to dealing with this. So for that, you should feel a little better your on to a solution. You need self control and that´s a compromise you need to make for yourself. You just need to try it once to realize how to do it and how well it works. If a discussion between you and your husband begins talking slowly, with a low tone will help. As soon as he says something that irritates you, this is the precise time you need to remember: wait! I will not let my anger get to me... And you keep your low tone and keep calm. It´s not easy, because it is easier to explode. But just remember how horrible it is to feel that you´ve been mean and have said words that you never meant, and then having to ask for forginevess if you ever do.

It is a practice you need to have daily with yourself. It´s controling your anger management and keeping yourself calm.

Remember that peaceful people keep healthy minds and hearts and logically keep a happier life. You need peace in your inner self and mantain it! Your husband needs it too and your home consecuently!

Another great idea is to tape yourselves when fighting, obviously leave the video camera hidden and wait for a discussion, but you´ll be able to see a mirror of yourself and let me tell you doing this opens your eyes inmensely to want to change even more! You´ll feel dsgusted with yourself and that will make you want to do this sooner and better.

I hope this helps a bit.

Answer 2

Save your marriage, get counseling!  It is worth it.  xox

Answer 3

It sounds like you need to speak with your therapist about this.  Here are a few way you can fight fair.  I know this can be extremely hard in the heat of the moment but it is something you need to work on, for you marriage, husband, children and step children.

http://www.positive-way.com/howto2.htm

Answer 4

yelling and throwing things is never acceptable especially if you make your husband feel uncomfortable or like your emotional punching bag.I would suggest you write out the things that get you upset that your hubby is doing and give him a letter.better than flipping out throwing things and acting like a maniac

Answer 5

I'm having the same issues with my b/f right now. I learned that when in a fight its best to yell and hit from watching my parents fight for years. My b/f hates it when i yell at him and when i get to the point of even physically hurting him. He never does anything back. I have learned from him that its best to calm down before we start to talk. Counting to ten might seem like a minimal act but it really does work. If i feel like I'm going to yell in the middle of the fight i walk away or just put my hands up and wait a minute or two. This has save my relationship in so many ways. It might not seem like a lot of work but it does work.

Answer 6

Yes, continue counseling and if it is not helping maybe find a different one. Sounds like you need counseling for emotion regulation, anger management and of course to heal from the previous bad relationship. Always be completely honest with the therapist.  

Answer 7

You can only let go of what you've dealt with. Just because you went to therapy, doesn't mean it was right for you. There are different programs you've got to find the right one and the same goes for therapists.

   It sounds to me as if you would benefit more from a domestic violence group or grown child, of domestic violence.  There would be ppl who actually understood and felt the same, who are or who have already slain your dragon. Many more to get better advice and comfort from.

   You see i think the issue is not letting go, but finding the switch and deactivating the reasoning behind it.

    

Answer 8

I think you have gone  as far as you can with THIS therapist. That therapist was at least able to get you to move  beyond that violent relatioship and trust enough to get into a new one. That is a BIG step and I congratulate you.

Now it seems you are ready for the next phase and I think you need to find someone who specializes in anger managment.

Answer 9

Knowing you have a problem is half the battle.  Yelling is very disrespectful and throwing things is a violent act, even if the item doesn't strike your husband!  You sound like a very wise woman who would benefit from no more than six months of good therapy from a specialist who deals with abuse.  You may need more than that though, like medication.

I've been through what you have and I don't like taking drugs, so I take natural herbs and supplements to keep me calm at times when I need to.  (st john's wort & L-theanine 200 mg.) I quit caffeine & refined sugar too. Over time the brain learns to behave normally and you need medication less and less.

Talk to your doctor or therapist.

Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

You might be wrong in assuming that this is behavior that was acquired during your last relationship. It sounds more like you have some deeply rooted anger issues. Does your current therapy include anger management coaching? You might be wise to find someone who specializes in anger management.

Answer 11

Keep going to therapy. You need to get past this. Always remember you husband is not your ex. They are two totally different people with two totally different personalities. This is a new life and you don't have to be afraid of him. I too was in an abusive relationship. How wonderful it is now to not have to worry about whether I am going to be abused for what I choose to wear or what I say. I don't have any of that to ever worry about about that again. You don't either. Please be kind to you new husband he loves you.

Answer 12

From my own personal experience, learning to rise above your situation takes time.  If I knew there was something about myself that I needed to work on (for self improvement), I took strides to do so.

One thing that really helped me, other than therapy, was to keep a journal about how I was feeling day to to day, and after certain situations.

Your past experiences will shape you into who you are, but if you look at your life as an opportunity to continue to improve then bad past experiences don't have to darken your life long term.

It may sound cliche, but what doesn't kill you can in fact make you stronger.

Good luck.

Answer 13

What i do when I get mad I walk into my bedroom and count to ten then I will pick up a book and start readingit until I calm down.  I was in the same situation and almost lost my new family.  After learning to walk away until I can calm down we was able to talk at night and keep it at a reasonable level.

Answer 14

You should probably talk to a Dr. about taking medication for it. If therapy doesn't seem to help then maybe you need to take a medication for it. My husband has anger issues. If he doesn't take his Paxil he becomes angry quicker and lashes out some times for no reason. Good luck!

Answer 15

I had to get a few years worth of counseling to learn to cope.   You need this too.