People who are anti-adoption and believe that the biological parents are the 'real' parents?

Question

No Tobit, I never felt any of those emotions, sorry to let you down. You must feel real special though, being able to carry around your adoption angst. Personally, I was just always treated, and always felt, like just another kid. Adoption was just the way into my family, instead of birth. I also knew the story of my birth, and my history before the adoption. Maybe that was confusing and wrong also? Myself, I had some issues, the usual I would say, that I worked through with everyone's help, and I'm great now.

I hope you're one day able to come to terms with your feelings, and stop living in denial. Peace to you.

Answer 1

I am adopted.  I have four parents.  They are all real, just as I am the real child of all four of them.  I refuse to get caught up in the ridiculous tug of war some people expect my life to be.  Being adopted is complicated enough without having to declare loyalty to one side and not the other.

Giving birth makes a woman a mother.  Adopting also makes a woman a mother.

I hope you don't think such ugly thoughts about your own first mother BTW.  I don't see how you could do that without thinking pretty poorly of yourself.

Answer 2

You must feel very grateful.  After all, your adoptive parents saved you!  You are so lucky - special even - for being chosen.

To repay everything your adoptive parents have done for you, make sure you keep denying your emotions and  history.  It makes for wonderful and honest relationships...

Seriously...you have gotten a lot of honest feedback here.  I hope you open yourself up to it.  Everyone who answered you, had your mindset at one time or another and was able to work through it.

Answer 3

Sadly, most of those so called "mothers" you mention RARELY place their children for adoption because they either think they can handle it or they think it is their right to breed children they cannot afford.  Most adoptions are done at the request and will of the birthmother, who is generally in her mid-twenties, working class, sometimes even married.  And sometimes the woman falls onto hard times, has an older child to support and just knows she cannot emotionally or financially handle another child.  Believe it or not, a lot of birthmothers do what they think is the right thing for their baby.

Answer 4

I am adopted. I have 4 parents.  They are ALL my real parents. Two of them created me, the other two raised me.

My biological father was killed when I was a baby, and my biological mother,turned to drugs as an escape. Yes, she was incapable of raising me, and so my biological father's parents stepped in and raised me. They gave me a wonderful childhood and a much better home than my biological mother ever could.

I am now an adult and have a good relationship with my biological mother. She did not stop loving me or caring about me all those years that we were apart. (btw, I did not have contact with her from age 1 to 18 and didn't even know I was adopted until I was 9).  

My adoptive parents have since passed away. However I will always be greatful to them for the loving home they gave me. Just as I will always be greatful to my biological parents for creating me.

Answer 5

How insulting

My adoptive Mom is my Mom but even she refers to my first mother as my 'real' mother.  It's just honest adoption language and does nothing other than bring us closer.  I have two moms and they are both very real to me

Answer 6

First, I don't know where you live that you are seeing women "spit out 8 kids" (nice image, by the way) while hopped up on drugs.  I didn't know that was prevalent.  That has not been my experience.  I know my firstmom didn't do that. All told, she has three kids and there is a fifteen year difference between me and my next sibling. *Shrug*

And as far as a pigsty,  My firstmom's house is much neater than mine so go figure.

I have four parents.  Adoption did not negate my first parents' existence.

If you want to believe otherwise. No one is stopping you.

Second, I try to stay away from using the word "real" for either sets of my parents because I find it disrespectful to both.  Why do either have to be "real"?  Why can't they just be who they are?  

I don't know.  The whole topic of adoption seems to make a lot of people angry.

Everyone has the right to their own opinions and beliefs.  Some adoptees feel the need to search, some do not.  Some adoptees are "anti adoption", though most that I've met are not.

We all have our own experiences and we all have a right to formulate our own opinions from them.  There is also a great deal of research out there on the psychology of adoption for all sides of the triad.  Everyone is entitled to use their own experiences and research to form their own opinions.

You apparently live in an area full of single young mothers spitting out kids and living in pigstys on drugs.  I have not seen much of that where I live nor have any of my friends or relatives.  (Although, as a side note, research has found that these are usually not the people who relinquish children for adoption anyway.)

Different experiences make different opinions.

And really that's all they are in the end anyway.  Opinions.

Answer 7

I know I am gonna have all thumbs down for my answer but who cares. I do know that the bond between a mother and child is important.. I have 2 children I am well aware of how important it is. But I also know that severing that bond is NOT the worse thing for some children. Sometimes severing that bond and removing that child is sometimes the best thing you can do. I know that there are a lot of adult adoptee who think that severing that bond and placing a child up for adoption which is as bad as death according to some of them but I hate to tell them somethings are worse than death. There are circumstances that are actually so bad that being taken or given up is a blessing. I have seen these circumstances and children with cigarette burns on their tongue and diaper rashes so bad they are bleeding. It would be nice if some people had a more realistic outlook as to what some of these children are facing daily.

Answer 8

For every adoptee - they have two sets of parents.

If THEY choose to dislike one set - or the other - or both - that decision should be completely left up to them - and should not be influenced by any of their parents thoughts and ideas.

If THEY choose to love one set - or the other - or both - again - that decision should be left up to them.

Some adoptees feel very strong links to their biological parents - some do not.

The problem with society's view on adoption currently - is that adoptees are told to be grateful towards only one set of parents (the adoptive parents) - when they again - should be able to choose if they wish to be grateful to either - or to none.

(most non adopted people are never expected to be grateful to anyone - so expecting gratefulness in an adoptee is a very unbalanced view - in my honest opinion)

If you go into an adoption with these very strong views - that you currently hold - I would suggest that you do not adopt at all.

To be a really good adoptive parent - you need to have a great deal of empathy and compassion.

From what you have written - I don't see that you possess such qualities.

Answer 9

I didn't know that people thought like that. I think that as long as a child is loved and cared for in the proper manner, then it doesn't matter who the parents are. My son is being raised by me, and my partner, who is not his biological father. My partner loves him and treats him well, where as his deadbeat "real" dad hasn't seen him in 5 years and is a hopeless drug addict. So who is better to be his dad? My partner or his loser sperm donor.

You are so right, getting pregnant or making someone pregnant, does not instantly make you a good parent. And those who doubt that need to see the plight of children growing up in abuse or neglect.

Answer 10

Wow.  That is some white-hot adoptee anger if I ever saw it.  Yikes.

I love when people say getting pregnant 'is an easy thing to do", really, Paula?  Has it been easy for you?  Only someone ignorant of pregnancy, gestation, and delivery would minimize one of the greatest feats in the human experience.

I think it's sad that you chose to characterize a stereotype of the 'trashy' mother here.  It sounds like you're describing an alley cat.  I am a 43 y.o. adoptee, and have met hundreds of adopted people who have met their mothers, and not one is as you describe.  While I'm sure they exist, they are certainly NOT the status quo.  

And that statement tells me a lot about you.  If that's what you think, as an adoptee, of natural mothers, then that is what you think of yourself, deep down, even just a little...

Instead of adopting a kid in the future, and re-loading their already full plate with your OLD adoption agnst, why not do the work you so obviously need to do, and find you mother, hon?  Would adopting a kid make you feel like you've 'paid your debt'?  Don't bother, you don't owe anyone but yourself.

Don't be so quick to discount Mary's advice.  It's dead-on.  I think you should print this page out, and maybe read it in a couple months...

I'm adding this here:  Wow.  You had 4 children, and are not awed by that?  I had three, and they hit me like a train--hats off to you, love.  

Why can't other adoptees have feelings about adoption that are different from yours?  Must we all feel the same about it?  If you love adoption and are happy to have been raised by non-relatives, why bemoan me my adoption experience?  

And yes, the child in your hypothetical situation would lose a great deal.  EVEN if she was raised in a wonderful, supportive home.  Losing one's mother is a LOSS, no matter which way you slice it.  If you had a stillborn, then had another baby, would you forget about that child?  Would the second child erase that memory?  Of course not.  There are things in life that we can't get back, and that there is no replacement for.  

Cheers!

Answer 11

Both biological parents and adoptive parents are parents and are real.  Adopted children have 2 sets of "real" parents.

Even for the SMALL percentage of birth mothers who fit your description, yes it is still a big loss for a child to loose the connection with his or her birth mother (not that it would be better in all situations to stay with her).  It is also, in the vast majority of cases, a huge trauma for a birthmother to go through placing her child for adoption and living with that loss for the rest of her life.  

I understand your point that you are frustrated with people who seem to be saying that all adoption is wrong.  I don't believe that either (although I do believe that it is an adoptive parent's responsibility to make sure their adoption is ethical).  I do hope you think and speak more respectfully about birth parents and acknowlege the losses in adoption if you are going to be an adoptive parent.  Also, instead of just writing off the feelings of "angry" adoptees, try to understand them.  You don't have to agree with their position, but apparently you had a very different experience as an adoptee, and perhaps responded differently to adoption loss as an adoptee than they did.  You can get a more well-rounded picture of adoption by listening to as many experiences as possible.

Answer 12

Well, I think I top everyone here: I have FIVE real parents! My relationship with each is individual, based on how they've treated me over the years. The parent I am closest to (by a long shot) is my second adoptive dad. But that doesn't make my biological parents any less "real."

Adoption works much better when there is honesty, compassion, education, support...and when there is true need for the baby or child to become part of another family. Lies, deception, ignorance, selfishness, fear: these are the factors that sabotage the child's hopes and dreams...for life.

I promise you, Paula, if/when you grow in your understanding as you get older, you will have many forums to talk through your feelings and concerns. No one will hold this current belligerence against you. It's a common stage which some stay in for decades, even sometimes most of their lives.

I hope for your sake that you do find peace. But you won't find it by attacking others, or by ignoring the grief in your soul.

Answer 13

I was adopted as an infant.  I do know that my "biological" parents were college students and that they planned to get married and have kids but I was conceived at the "wrong" time.  My parents raised me and loved me and regardless of dna as far as I am concerned they are my parents.  They loved me and that is what counts.  I have had to find out my medical history the hard way and my two brothers who were also adopted had delusions that some day their "real" parents would come to get them, I never felt that way because my parents raised me with a good work ethic and good morals and I love them for it.  I served in the military and am a well decorated soldier and I feel that my parents raised me well and I love them for it.

Answer 14

i am a product of a similar situation. she didnt have a lot of children, but she had numerous problems and so did my birthfather. they gave me up for adoption and it was done for the right reasons and the right way, my story isnt special, just what adoption is supposed to be. i was place with a caring and stable family.

this was the right decision for everyone, there was no losers in my life. i have found both my birthparents and they are wonderful caring loving people and i am grateful to have them in my life. they are not mom and dad, but i love them.

they gave me something wonderful, and i thank them often. they have harbored emense guilt over their decision their whole lives, and to be honest, it was for nothing. i was fine, more than fine actually.

since i have found y!a i have realized this isnt always the case. i truly realize how lucky i am. i personally cant understand the anger and hatred many feel, but i am sure there is reasons behind it. i just hope they can come to terms and find the silver lining in the big picture. otherwise they will drive themselves mad thinking about it.

you have some very valid points, unfortunately, adoption has different meanings and different outcomes for everyone. you do what is right for you and let the others have their opinion. they are intitled to it. if it works for you then procede and enjoy, good luck

Answer 15

First of all you should know that no matter what a person is or isn't, if they gave birth to a child they are that childs real parent. Not parenting the child is a totally different thing. You spout one of the cruelest lies told to children in adoption. Oh your mother was a crackwhore, who had too many other children and didn't give a d a m n about you anyway. I agree there are certainly women out there that fit this description. I also believe that there will always be children who need to be raised by someone other than their parents. But honestly before you go all ballistic look at how you asked this question. I agree that the man and woman who raised you are your mother and father, your parents, but the woman who gave birth to you is also your mother and tha man who helped create you is your father, also your parents although they did not raise you. (For whatever reason that may be) Getting pregnant does make you a mother, just because you sign a piece of paper does not make you an ex-mother. Some women want to parent and are coerced and some simply can not raise a child. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem in most cases. I can understand why you sound angry, I can also understand if you have an honest desire to raise a child that needs a family. Infant adoption in this country is not usually done for such altruistic reasons, keep that in mind when you see the people here start spouting "the usual rubbish" as you call it. Adoption is not a cure for ones infertility, and sorry but in many cases that is part of the problem in adoption. Too many see it as just that, (not all so don't get all radical or ballistic on me) too many feel entitled to adopt because they have the money to do so, too many see it as a way to "Cure" their problems. Not enough who seek to adopt do the work to make sure the reasons they are adopting are the right ones.

You sound very angry to me, have you found your natural family or are you interested in finding them? Or like many do you think that there is no need, or that you will be somehow disloyal to your family now if you search? DO you think that your mother just gave you away in willy nilly fashion because she didn't care? Or do you think she is one of those women you described above? You should know that often our children are told terrible things about us that are untrue, as well as hurtful. Have you done any reading on the subject of mothers who surrender? Or perhaps some reading about adoptees? Nancy Verrier wrote a good book called "The Primal Wound", Ann Fessler also has written an excellent book about the mothers of The Baby Scoop Era called "The Girls Who Went Away" those two books may enlighten you a bit as to the reason why adoptees are the way they are and why mothers are the way they are. There is also a book called "The Baby Thief" it is about Georgia Tann the mother of adoption practices in this country. (so to speak) Really I feel that you need to perhaps look at your anger and the reasons for it.

Also just so we are clear on this, yes the bond with the children of a woman such as you spoke of is still needed. Even if she can't and isn't capable of raising a child, the bond is still important. Your mother is your entire world before you are born, and when you are taken from her (no matter if she is a good mother or not) you lose your entire world and grieve for her just as any child who loses it's mother would grieve. How do you know that this figurative "Woman" you speak about wouldn't care for her kids? You can't say that, because even women with abuse problems love their children. You can not fairly say she does not. Addiction is a disease whether it is addiction to alcohol or drugs it is a disease and can be treated when the person is ready for it.

Before you consider adoption I think you might want to explore your reasons for wanting to adopt, you might also like to explore that you may have issues due to your own adoption. Then once you have done that and you still want to adopt consider adopting from Foster Care, there are thousands waiting for good homes, with stable parents. They may be damaged from having to live with a drug addicted mother or alcoholic mother or they may have been horribly abused, but these children actually do need parents and good stable homes. Alas too many see these children as "damaged goods" and they languish in system that too often does not have the resources needed to help them, and they are thus passed to different families over and over again until they age out of the very system designed to supposedly protect them and help them. These are the children that are all too often really unwanted and in need of good parents to help them become what they were meant to be.

Answer 16

I am sorry you are so upset, but Paula, I have never seen a woman "spit" out 8 kids before the age of 25, I have never even seen a woman spit out a child at any age.  

And then sit around drugged out in a filthy house?  It makes me wonder what kind of neighborhood you live in, perhaps you should move esp. if you are raising children, as it sounds as though their is a big drug problem in your area.

My natuarl mother was a young woman from a middle class background, like my abrother's mother, like lots of women who were rooked out of their children only to find out their children suffered for their "sacrifice" years down the line.

I am sorry you are such an angry person, I wish you peace.