People who care.. Help me make a Plan?

Question

My situation. {ANTI ADOTPTION} 18 years old lives at home with no job bc i put all my time into college & maintaned a 4.0 gpa. I have finished one semester of college & no doubt i am going for 2. The thing isssss. the baby comes soon, i am 7 months, and i need a fast plan. Note i have been trying to get a job sence i found out, about 4 months ago. I haent give up, but the fact is time is running out! I have medicaid. Praise God for medicaid lol. Welfare= $270 a month at the most {which i do not hav & of coarse u cant have it if u work but its not anough live on anywy}. Please do not suggest child sopport from the father, he is doing everything he can do & there is no way i am takeing him to court for that. My parents= disowning me, think im discusting & ruening everyones life, so i am kicked out when my baby is born. Please help me make a plan.

Answer 1

First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your motherhood.

These are some sites that will be able to point you for some help. https://www.adoptioncrossroads.org  might have a list of some homes where families live together to share expenses and assist each other with childcare

https://www.antiadoption.org  

https://www.originsusa.org

https://www.keepyourbaby.com

https://www.wham.com  is a good listing of Legitimate work from home ideas.

Answer 2

well...for starters..ignore the people that say you cannot make..because you can..even as a single mother...back to my thought...the job link I emailed you and told you about would be a good place to start..my aunt works it FT and makes approx. 350.000-400.00 weekly..you can save enough while still at home...then after the baby get yourself a little studio apt...a baby doesn't need his/her own room yet...you can also sign up now for childcare help in case there is a waiting list...but since you're in college..you can also apply for daycare help through the college...my sister-in-law uses this option..but again you have to apply...you may in your case only needs it while in school..because again the job I told you about...you set your own hours...you can work while the baby sleeps...this is what I do...and if baby wakes up...you just sign out of work site for  a little bit...as far has baby stuff...I'm sure with enough ppl here...if you get a PO Box...most ppl including myself can send you baby stuff to get you started....take this one step at a time...but apply for the things like daycare...so you already have it lined up...hope this helps

ETA>>> Momofone...I see the blah blah  blah in the typing...and you want to see what others have to offer....however...I certainly didn't see anything from you on what she should do...please enlighten us...and shed your great insight on a plan....and if you knew the Whole story...you would know why she posted it in here.....ugggg...some people get on my nerves..I often want to yell at the computer :)

Answer 3

Definitely talk to your college counselor – and if they suggest adoption stand firm and tell them that is not an option for you. Tell them you want help figuring out how to keep your baby and how to make parenting your son or daughter work.

http://www.fns.usda.gov/fns/az-map.htm

(some food/nutrition links that might be useful – along the lines of WIC; Child and Adult Care Food Program (CACFP); infant formula database, Milk Program (may be part of WIC), etc.)

http://www.hud.gov/renting/index.cfm

(the housing and urban development site with links to renting – including the section 8 housing that Julie J mentioned – which is just housing help for those with low income.)

I really hesitate to point you to state government agencies because I fear all too often they try to take your child away if they feel in any way that you are “unfit”. Unfortunately, in this day and age, in this wealthiest nation on earth, some government workers will try to persuade you that you are “unfit”/can not be a good parent based on money! They may assume that because you are looking to them (the state or federal gov’t) for precisely the assistance that you should be eligible for, that adoption is the better option for you. BS!!

If there is any way that you can get your parents (and/or your boyfriends parents or any other adult that you can trust) on your side you need to do so. Presenting your situation – as a family and an extended family that is willing and available to support you will strengthen your position as a mother. At the very least, can you tell your parents that you want a 6 month (or longer) trial in which to raise your son or daughter (their grandchild for goodness sakes!) and that you need their help during this time.

I lost my child to adoption in 1984. He was my only son, and my only child. It is not a situation that I would wish on anyone. It is so very painful to lose your child, to miss out on their entire childhood and to be left with shattered pieces of what should have naturally been a mother/child relationship. You can never recapture the moments that have been lost and believe me there are a lifetime of moments that you lose; that should never be lost in the fist place. Adoption sucks.

Email me if you would like more help finding resources or just a shoulder to lean on.

Best of luck

Answer 4

Here's the list of things that you will need to budget for and plan to aquire over the next two months to have everything set in place to take care of you and baby (and any resources that I can think of):

Tuition (scholarships?), books, childcare (subsidies from the govt? and if you are going to school and working, you'll have to find a child care that is open later in the evening as that's probably when you'll be working), rent+damage deposit (subsidised through state?), basic furniture for your apartment (second hand?) utilities, phone line, baby formula (as being a student and working will make it harder to nurse), bottles, diapers, wipes, babies clothing (second-hand thrift stores), baby carrier or car seat, transportation (public?), baby supplies- crib etc (second hand?- just make sure it meets safety requirements), food for you (food stamps? food bank?), Personal hygeine supplies (again food bank?), basic cleaning supplies, household kitchen items etc (second hand?). Approaching a local church for help seems a good idea.

You will need someone to lean on when you are post partum, have a ton of hormones, are up every 2-3 hours at night to feed the baby while you are working during the day and going to school. The physical, mental and emotional exhaustion will kick in hard for the first 4-5 months. This sounds really discouraging, but until you have a baby you don't know what's coming. Even for me with a supportive husband, no school to attend and off on mat. leave the exhaustion was overwhelming. I pray that your baby doesn't have colic.

If you are going to be a student and work, how much will your baby be in child care every day? Getting up early to have baby at child care, go to school, go to work, go get baby from child care, go home, be up to feed baby in the night, taking care of your apartment... This seems a bit overwhelming and I have no idea how anyone would be able to do it.

Good luck and I hope that everything comes together for you.

Answer 5

Congratulations on your impending motherhood.  I agree with Julie that it is possible, even likely, that your parents may provide more support than you think.  They may be trying to pressure you into what they want you to do, but once they see it  won't work, they probably won't want to loose their daughter and grandchild in their life.  You can't count on that, though, right now.  Look at the links at adoptioncrossroads that someone posted for help.  You are doing great and handling this very very difficult situation with grace.  You can get through this hard time.  It will probably be difficult for quite awhile, but you can do it.

Answer 6

i got pregnant with my son two months in to college, and my mother said it did it because my brother, older, had a baby. and i was 19.  i am 21 now with a 9 mo old and i cant remember life before him.  i am engaged to his father and although we are fine now things sucked for us.  we had to move 3 times since he was born and practaly had to buy all brand new things, every thing seemed hopeless.  we now have a beautiful apartment and plan on staying .. i suggest you try to find a housing development like the projects because they usuall dont charge a lot for rent and get wic cash assistance or some other form of help.  these agencise are a life saver.  when i didnt have anything i had people at these places bending over backward to help.  they are really nice and supportave.  by the way you should let us know when you1 have your little bundle of joy.lol*smiles at the mommy to be*

Answer 7

Sorry....  all your other questions imply that the only reason you won't take the father to court for child support is because legally he "raped" you.  I can't feel sorry for you in this situation, and many social services agencies WON'T help you if you don't have a case open with AG to get child support.  If you're LYING and saying you don't know who the father is, then that is a federal crime, and they should remove your child from you and send you to prison.  

If the father really intends to marry you, then he should do it NOW and let you move in with him.  If he won't do that, then he's lying to you and doesn't really care what happens to the baby.  You need to face the facts and make some mature decisions.  If you really want to keep this baby, then realize that baby comes first, and "daddy" second and make hiim step up to the plate.  If the baby doesn't really come first, then you're not ready to be a mom.

Answer 8

I would consider adoption as best option but since you won't.... looks like you need to quit school and raise a baby.  How you will pull it off being so young and probably not with best job skills? I don't know.  Do you have another relative who will let you live with them?  There will be no easy answers for you.  You are not financially prepared to have a baby.  You really need to not become a burden to others... you are going to have to be really resourceful and responsible... and totally self-less.  I still think the best thing you can do for this child is adoption.... especially since you don't have support from your family.  How can you do this alone?  You need a partner in this.... someone to live with and help care for the baby.  I don't think you can do this alone.

Answer 9

I understand where you are coming from.   I have lived on my own since I was 16, and I was 18 when my son was born.  At the time my son's dad (who is now my husband) and I were separated.  I did my entire pregnancy and our son's first two months entirely by myself until my husband and I got back together.

It isn't easy, but it is completely do-able.  First of all, obviously, you're going to need a job.  This means you'll probaby have to knock college down to part-time which isn't great but it's not quite a disaster.  Plus, if you go to community college, a lot of them have childcare available.  Talk to a counselor at the college to see if they have a program like that.

The easiest job in the entire universe to get is at a call center (either customer service or telemarketing...I recommend service though since telemarketing is actually really hard).  Keep in mind that because it IS the easiest job to get it is not a very GOOD job (it's highly stressful!!) but they usually pay a little over minimum wage and it beats physical labor.  Especially when you're pregnant.  I got hired on at a call center at 7 months pregnant with our son and worked it for about 3 1/2 years.  All they require is that you aren't a felon,  you can type at least 25 words per minute, you're 18 or older, and that you've graduated high school.  

You can get help paying for childcare through the state, or you can find a local church in your area (usually they have cheap or free daycare programs, and you don't even have to be a member of their church).  

Don't worry about your parents.  My parents were MUCH less than pleased when we had our son, but they came around after a while and now my parents are THRILLED that we're having our second!  18 is young, but it's not impossible and having kids is so rewarding-you won't regret it, even when it gets hard.

Congrats on your baby!

Answer 10

pray and dont get rid of the baby because thats not fair

Answer 11

I think you have just recently told your parents, by reading your previous questions.  I want to tell you that I am pretty sure, once your parents have had a chance to process the fact that you will be a mom, and they grandparents, they will come around.  A baby (especially a grandchild) has a way of making things better in that regards.

I don't have any advice.  You will probably need to drop out of school, or look into scholarships etc.  You only have a few more days to fill out the FAFSA paperwork, so you may want to fill that out.  You are going to have to get a job, and the baby's father is going to have to help out too.

Good luck.

Answer 12

Find out what resources are in your area and tap into them.  As for those who say you have to quit school, puleeze.  With a 4.0 average and as a single parents you will be eligible for scholarships and grants to finish school.  This is not a life ending decision to keep your child, it will just maybe slow down your plans.

Your parents may come around, I mean how could they not when you show them the beautiful grandchild.

Good luck!

Answer 13

you're full of it.  you need to get your story straight, don't you?

Answer 14

the only thing i could tell you is that the only jobs they well hired you are in fast -food.  am very sorry that your family is kicking you out.

* go sign up to WIC  they would help you on the babys food,but not that much, but at least is something.

i wish you the best on everything

Answer 15

I am really sorry about your parents but it sounds to me like they are trying to cohere you into the wrong choice.

I am certain from their prospective they "think" they are doing the right thing.

I believe they are speaking out of anger and disappointment.

Their grandchild is not "real" to them. I cannot imagine a situation where your parents will really kick you out. They just want this "problem" to go away so they do not have to explain it to anyone.

However they are feeling is not a reason that should force you into an adoption you obviously do not want.

I am sure once their sweet grandchild is born they will change their minds. Remind them that your child has part of them too.

I am doubtful you are going to get a job at seven months pregnant so I think you should consider waiting to after the birth.

Answer 16

Dear mom,

When I was pregnant with my last child, my now EX, had wiped out all my accounts. To make a long story short, I was literally homeless. My parents turned on me too. Go to a shelter if you have to. Sleep in your car, that's what I did, and it was not comfortable. Things will come together. Your family will eventually come around. When they see the baby, they'll change.

Congratulations on doing so well in school. You are almost there, don't make a permanent decision, when it's just a temporary situation. You will come out of this. At least your near the end of school. You have more going for you then you realize. Go to your school and see a counselor. My school has someone whose job is to make sure everyone succeeds. Before you know it, you'll have a whole bandwagan of people to assist you. People WANT to help people. You just have to ask. Your school has alot of connections and they can help with a plan. They helped me. Not for the same thing, but they want to see you make it. I bet they can even find you a job.

Best wishes.

Answer 17

you could have a fund raiser.or you could go to the local church[even if you dont go there or arent a member]explain to them, your sittuation and also tell them you want this child and without there help and the lords it is in possible.talk with the farther to see if he can posslbly have you at your house ,or talk to his parents even if it is for the first couple months that is okay that is the most important  time.talk to your friends ask them to see if they or someone they no can help you get back on your feet.call your local pare ask them to put an add in that states you need a place to live,money,and things for the baby.whatever you do try not to get stressed out this will put lots of pressure on the baby and isnt good for you.talk with your school see if they will help you raise money and things for the baby.put a shout out on the radio to see  if they can  help you.or call your local news station see if they could say something.i am so sorry that you have benn put in this situation and i will kepp you in my prayers.pray yourself.emai lme at [e-mail] if you need more help!anytime i am here for you!

Answer 18

Hi Mama-to-be,

First, thank you for making a plan to parent your child.  You sound like an intelligent young woman who is going through a stressful yet TEMPORARY stage of your life.  I commend you again for not giving away your child as the solution.  That would only bring more long-term problems for both you and your child.  You can do this.

Many parents may not be pleased when their daughter has an unplanned pregnancy.  However, once the baby is here, they will almost always have a change of heart.  I wouldn't rule out all support from your parents, or from his parents.  Your baby will be their grandchild.

As far as support for the baby is concerned, a child is entitled to support from both of his/her parents.  My opinion is that you are doing the right thing for your child when you secure that arrangements are made through a court to provide for the baby's portion of support coming to him/her from the father.  You are doing that for your child, not for you.  In a perfect world, every father would automatically pay his half for the children he brings into the world.  We do not live in that world yet, so the responsible thing you can do is to take steps to see that he complies, for the sake of your child.  

There is also public support available.  It is there specifically for women in your position.  You will not always need it.  You sound like you are well on your way to a college education.  Many women have raised children and gone to school.  With your grades, you can do it too.  Check with your school's financial office for available assistance.  Babies do not require designer clothes and fancy nurseries.  As long as you have the basics, (diapers, food, carseat) you will do fine.  Your friends will probably have a baby shower for you to provide some extras.  The main thing is for YOU to be there for your child and for you to provide love.

Look into WIC, which provides healthy food for women, infants, & children.  You could also look into Section 8, which provides supplemental housing for low-income families.  There are probably more programs in your community too.  Have you checked with your local public assistance yet?  Many mothers in every community have items they will donate to other mothers in need.  I'm sure that when you are in the position to do so in the future, that you can then return the favor to another mother in need.

Remember, there are people who care, and there are people who will help you.  Don't give up.  Good luck hugs,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 19

Put your resume out on monster.com, PRAY, and just hope you'll find a job... where do you live? b/c in certain states its easier to find jobs....

Answer 20

Populti why dont you go run under a train ?

My god I can not believe that people are STILL Trying to coerce this young adult into giving her baby up when she has CLEARLY STATED that she will NOT

I am so sorry that your parents are being like this, maybe in time they will come around, can you try speaking to them again ? it is after all their grandchild ..

What about your BF's Parents ?

IF they kick you and their grandchild out that would be it I would cut them off FOREVER - WTF is wrong with people these days

You are 18 yrs old hardly a baby - you are in fact an adult well in Australia you are deemed a adult.

IS there womens shelters and help centers in the USA ?

I wish you the very best and try try try to get through to your parents and his...maybe go live with them..for a while ..

Just dont give your baby up...under pressure .from ANYONE

(HUGS)

Answer 21

well you can adopt the baby out. i know this can be hard but with no one to help and you need to get on with life its sad that you didnt' think about the consequences but they are here and there is life to think about now. if i were you and you have such a good brilliant mind apparently let someone who wants a baby have the baby and you can go your way you could do open adotpion or whatever. but any case the baby will come lookf for you and you can leave note or letter and maybe by then you will want to met the baby and who knows what can come you will not be the parent persay but at least you will  know take care.

Answer 22

I am sorry to hear. Have you got any other family who can take you in? If not are there any friends you can share a place with so costs would be minimal. Once bub is born your chances of employment should improve although I am aware how that sounds. I have had 5 kids and when potential employers see you are pregnant they never hire you. Your parents are being quiet irrational and if there is any way to make things better with them that will be good. I hope things work our for you. Good luck.  :)

Answer 23

Congratulations!  It won't be easy for you, but have faith that you will find a way.  I'm sorry that your parents are being so mean.  :-)  Can you go to your local family social services office for help?  Maybe a local church or someplace where someone can help you find affordable housing?  Also, for a job, check your paper's classifieds section.  Best wishes!

Answer 24

First of all, whether or not you want to keep your baby is your choice.  Although you are young, I know that if I were in your situation, I would do the same thing.  I could never give up a child.  I know a girl who got pregnant in high school.  She was so scared of what would happen when people found out, she hid it for the first 6 months by wearing baggy clothes and hunching over.  For her, when she finallly did tell her parents and her friends, she got a lot of support.  Her parents helped her take care of the baby while she finished high school and went to college.  Her friends all supported her and stuck up for her, and she ended up marrying a great guy who accepted her daughter (the dad was never involved other than writing a check each month).  Unfortunately, it sounds like you don't have such a great support system from your parents, and I'm sorry for that.  Try to find a support system of some kind, whether it be from friends, other single moms-to-be, or even just an online support group.  It always helps to vent to those who understand what you are going through.

It will probably be pretty tough to find a job while you are pregnant.  If you can stay with your parents until the baby is born, maybe you could stay with a friend or the baby's dad for the first few months after the birth.  Or, maybe your parents will have a change of heart when the time gets closer, I can't imagine kicking a child out the door, especially if she has a little baby.  If that doesn't work, try looking for retreats for single moms in the area, many urban areas have temporary housing for single moms who have nowhere to go.

After the baby is old enough, you can start looking for jobs.  As you said, welfare won't be enough to live on, but will you get more after the baby is born?  I'm not sure at waht point you get to claim the baby as a dependent.  Also, check for all public assistance programs available to you.  There are benefits in addition to welfare like food stamps, state programs for single moms and young children (my state's is called WIC or Women, Infants and Children).  Even with all the public assistance, you will probably need to get a job, but it will be easier after you aren't pregnant.  Maybe you can even get a campus job at your school.  

Do you get any financial aid for school?  If so, you may get some additional financial aid next year because you will report an additional dependent on your FAFSA.  Also, I would contact your school's financial aid office to see if they have any grants or scholarships for single moms.  There is a lot more financial aid for single moms than you'd think.  

When it is time for you to get an apartment on your own, look for a rent-controlled or income-based apartment.  You can usually find some nice places to live at reasonable prices.  

Other than that, just try to look for great prices on everything.  Use coupons, buy baby stuff at second-hand stores (most of the kid's clothes has only been used for a short time before the kids grew out of it).  Garage sales are great, too, and I now a ton of people who have dressed their kids with garage sale stuff when they were little.  If you are savvy, no one will even know it's second-hand.

Good luck to you and when times get tough, remember that things will get easier with time.  Stay in school and keep working hard, and you and your baby will have a great future!

EDIT: also, DON'T listen to the poster who told you to quit school.  This is not the 1950's.  You can and should finish school, you have a lot going for you, don't give up!

Answer 25

Congrats on the baby and good luck.  Why exactly are you posting this in the adoption forum?

To all those pro-family preservation  people here who constantly tell adoptive familes to help a expectant mother instead of adopting her baby, I am VERY interested to read what you offer this mom to be. SO lets see if you can really help this mom make a REALISTIC plan here........can't wait.  BTW I would not consider a few links here and there a plan.  She seems sincere in what she is asking (well except the 4.0 thingy) so lets see what you can bring to the table here, now is you chance.  :)

Answer 26

There's already a lot of good advice here that I won't repeat, but talk to your school's financial aid office.  Your parents' income may have been too high for you to qualify for grants before, but your financial situation is about to change big time.  FA is there to help people complete their educations, and finishing is more important now than ever.  Also, try talking to your parents about helping you out even though they are mad and don't approve of your decision.  Offer to keep a running total of the costs they incur with the promise of paying them back after college; maybe they'll go for it.

Is there a friend with whom you can stay for awhile while you get on your feet in the event that you are forced to leave your parents' home?  Also, please do secure that the father will pay child support in the future.  This is his responsibility too, and he owes it to the baby.

Good luck.  You aren't on the easiest path, but it certainly can be done.

Answer 27

You are very, very wise not to depend on getting support from your baby's father.  It may eventually happen but will likely take at least a year or two.  The government talks a lot of hype about going after fathers for support, but in reality social workers try to bully women into adoption.  It is easier for them and they get bonuses from the federal government for adoptions.

You can use WIC after your baby is born.  If you are nursing you can get a food allowance.  If you are not nursing you can can get formula for your baby.

Churches that do not push adoption are great resources for baby furniture, clothes, and diapers.  My young niece and her husband had a baby while she was still in school.  They did not have to spend a penny on baby furniture.  They got gifts, donations, and borrowed.  Use consignment shops and yard sales.

So your parents are going to let you live on the street with their grandchild?  I don't think that will happen.  If it does, do you have a friend that you can share housing with?  There are lots of solo parents who share resources.  Start networking now.  Also, when you sign up for WIC, mention the housing issues to the social workers (keeping in mind that they will likely mention adoption).

Good luck - you will be an awesome mom.

Answer 28

On 270 dollars a month that isn't going to go far at all in caring for a baby. Wanting children and caring for them properly in meeting their needs are entirely different. I just don't see this happening or working out for the best for either of you in your current situation. Welfare and public assistance is not a way to give a child a childhood when there are other options out there which are more positive and self-less for the benefit of the child.

Answer 29

You don't have to quit school to keep your baby! Geez.  My daughter was born 6 weeks after my 17th birthday back in the late 70's.  Trust me, there wasn't nearly as much help then as there is today.  I graduated HS (when she was 6 months old), worked 2 jobs, decided to go back to college when I realized that even with a diploma & working 2 jobs, I couldn't make enough to get off of welfare. I went to school F/T, worked P/T, got an AS degree, got off welfare & never looked back. My welfare worker told me I couldn't do it.  But I was young & naive & a bit stubborn.  Oh...and I had NO help from my family. In fact, no contact with them for several years (sadly).  Yeah, they said the same things your parents are saying. Prove them wrong. I did.

When my daughter was 18 years old, my (adopted) mom (who pressured me to relinquish & tried to have my daughter taken away from me) said, "You've done a good job raising her."  I waited all those years to hear her say that. By the time she did, I didn't care what she thought.  

So yes, it can be done.  Being broke is a temporary situation. Poverty is a state of mind. Don't LET it be a way of life.  It will be a struggle for a couple of years.  You will find that you're stronger than you ever imagined.  

Once your child is here, welfare must be more than $270 per month! I received more than that over 30 years ago. Apply for food stamps, and what ever other assistance you're eligible for.  Sign up for financial aide at college, look for scholarships & grants, especially for single parents; check with the college day care (usually they charge on a sliding scale), but also look for government subsidized day care in your area (free while your on assistance).  

And before anyone here goes off about "welfare moms", it provided a temporary leg up, as it was intended to do.  I've paid enough taxes in one year to repay what I received for the couple of years it took to get through college. Education PAYS!  

Good luck my friend.  Feel free to e-mail me for more details.

Answer 30

I'm sorry but your spelling stinks for a college student with a 4.0 GPA...

Can you stay at the babys daddys residence????