People who understand addictions please help!?

Question

My boyfriend is currently in a 60 day program (is out Oct 4) for drug rehabilitation. I just literally started going to Naranon. I am thrilled that he is finally getting the help he needs but at the same time I feel so empty. We've been together for 2 1/2 yrs already. I have not seen him since June. A lot has happened, some very heart breaking things b/c of this addiction. So there are so many concerns. I also just read that most programs discourage ANY committment outside of marriage for at least 2 years, after rehab?! I could see if it was something new, but I am far invested in this and have sacrificed my soul for him. My question is that I do not know what to expect. So far he seems fine, but I don't know exactly how to handle this emotionally. I swallow my pride everyday and unselfishly pray for whatever needs to continue, to maintain his sobriety. Any suggestions on how to be stronger without losing myself in the process? Sorry this is so long.

Answer 1

There is no easy way to deal with loss or departure.  I have found it generally hard to think on the bright side in many cases.  I don't believe much in fate or a pre-determined outcome, it will unfold as time goes on, I can't accurately tell you that everything will be ok, but what I can tell you is that you must think of every possibility.  A good way to deal with heartbreak is to face the reality before it happens.  I like to call this "building a wal."  It's ok to cry and think the worst, because I have always felt that it's better to have hurt and move on than to get your hopes up and get hurt.  I was in an out-patient therapy group a few years ago for drug addiction and anger management and, like many rehab institutions, it discouraged committed relationships.  But what I don't think that they take into consideration is the reinforcement of a loving relationship.  Now, I'm not saying it's good to go falling in love right out of the coop but, as you stated in your question, you and your boyfriend had been dating prior to his admittance to drug rehab.  

So, after all is said and done,  I think that you should take some time each day to reflect on the situation.  I want you to think positively about this.  Even if things don't work out, think about how much better your lives will be without the drugs, with a clean slate.  I don't adhere to any religious views but I do believe that there is a god.  And I strongly believe that he/she would not give us more than we could handle.  Have faith.  

Answer 2

Most program don't recommend NEW relationships because any trauma could cause the addict to go back to his old ways. But they certainly don't tell married people to get divorced.

As long as you are attending a support group, understand what he has gone through, and will continue to go through, then you should be able to help him.

He needs people around him that are not going to put any pressure on him, but also not coddle him either.

You sound intelligent and you have done your homework, so you should be ok.

Good luck

Answer 3

my advice to you is to leave it all in God's hands.  something like this is way too much for any person to try to take on, you know?  if you truly love your boyfriend then you should stick around and let him know that you're there to help him.  he also needs to know that you really do still love him and that you're so happy that he's trying to change himself.  tell him that he's not only doing a good thing for him, but also for the both of you.  but in the end if he goes back to his old ways then it's really just a really bad problem he has.  after all of this if he's still not willing to try to better himself then it might be best to step back for a while.  you wouldn't want to put yourself in any danger.  and i'm not going to lie, a lot of people that do the whole rehab thing to have some weak moments.  my cousin went through all of this not too long ago.  she was addicted to cocaine.  she went to rehab a couple of times and even after all of that was done she had those couple of times where she gave in.  but she saw that she had people supporting her and people that wanted to love her for the person that she was before she started that drug.  so she's doing great right now, and that just goes to show that anyone who really wants to change will.  don't give up, but at the same time be careful.  i hope this helps.  :-)

Answer 4

WoW!!  Who do you want to be 'stronger' for?  

The 'no commitment outside of marriage' is a guideline that is, a suggestion, so the recovering person has time to adjust to their new life without drugs/alcohol. It is not a 'hard-fast' rule.

If you look at it from that standpoint, and you really want to do anything it would take 'for his sobriety', then it would be a no-brainer.

However, many people do not follow that rule, and still make it.

My suggestion to you is to continue to go to Naranon and work on yourself as much as possible.

I can tell by the tone of your letter here that you have already 'lost' yourself to this relationship, and you do not want to lose the relationship.

Just a note; the harder you try to hang onto something the harder it is to keep it! (That's called a paradox - there are many of them in the recovery process)

PS; 'Sacrificing your soul' is one way you are trying desperately to hang on to this relationship.  

Check this out with your Naranon sponsor - if you have one. And if you don't - get one!

Answer 5

omg i went through almost the exact same thing. my friend was sent to court-ordered Intensive Outpatient drug rehab for 5 days a week, 4 hours a day, for 5 weeks..and then ongoing weekly meetings.

He was also sent to foster care for 3 months simultaneously.

To make a lomng stor yshort, he totally ignored me once he was sent to rehab and foster care and made a NEW  boyfriend who he met i nrehab. His new boyfriend is a "recovering" crystal-meth addict.

I hope they both relapse and die. j/k

But seriously, he strung me along for 2 1/2 months giving me FALSE hope and basically hurting me for no reason. Then just when he was going to "get out" (and we could meet again) he dumps me over email and deletes me from his myspace.

I hope your situation turns out much better. My friend also had dual diagnosis of bipolar/ADD with marijuana addiction.

Your relationship is much different from mine, plus you dated for several years. I'm sure you have a better prognosis.

I just wanted to share my experience.

Good luck!