People with twins/ experience...Offer advice with this situation?

Question

I have twin boys who are almost 9yrs. Now that my oldest is leaving for college, I really want to work on helping them become more independent from each other. My boys are each other's BEST friend and since they were in K, I've been told that they're WAY too attached to each other. It’s to the point where one doesn't want to do something/ stop doing something/go somewhere etc unless the other is going to do it/not do it/go. They've really yet to develop their own sense of self and are afraid to act on their own interests without getting approval from the other. I’m not trying to break their relationship, just help them become individuals. I've been told this is common with twins, but I just don't know where to start.

Anyone with twins/experience have any ideas?

SN: they are in different classes in school and do share a room.

Answer 1

i wouldn't worry about it. i'm a twin and everyone said that my sister and i needed to try to be more independent of each other. in high school we naturally developed different interests and made friends apart from each other. it was hard going to different colleges but we did just fine. i would just let them progress naturally.

Answer 2

I have twin girls who just graduated high school. My husband and I went through a similar situation with them when they were a little bit younger than your boys.

Our daughters were also each other's best friend and had very similar personalities, but did have different interests and goals. It was very important to me that they be able to express themselves and do what interested them, to be seen as 2 seperate people and not as a pair.

We ran into a rough patch when my girls were in first grade. They both developed an interest for horses so I took them to a few horseback riding lessons. One of my daughters fell in love and the other HATED it. Because one didn't like it and spoke badly about it, the one who did like it claimed that she hated it too. I saw her face light up when she was on the horse and the enjoyment she got out of seeing how they took care of them etc. I sat with her and it took me some time to talk her into continuing her lessons if she enjoyed it and that it was ok if her sister didn't like it. It bothered me that it took me so long to convince her that it was ok to like something!  I decided then to REALLY make the effort in helping them develop into their own person.

I started by explaining to them both that being a twin ONLY MEANS THAT YOU WERE BORN ON THE SAME DAY AND COME FROM THE SAME PARENTS. It doesn't mean you have to do the same things, like the same people, wear the same clothes, be together all the time etc. You are two different people, therefore you are going to differ in some things from time to time. It's ok to like similar activities and have similar interests and do things together, but there are times when you need to do things on your own, make your own opinions/decisions and not care what the other one thinks. We gave them their own rooms and let them pick the stuff they wanted, the colors etc. When we did this, it would be just me and one of them or my husband and one of them. We encouraged them to try new activities without the other and make friends. My husband use to say to them, "I want you to bring home a friend that you have to introduce to you sister."  One summer, they picked two different camps to attend. As time went on, they were able to do things on their own without a problem or a care that the other one wasn't doing it. They still had a very close relationship and did a lot of things together, but had time to themselves or with other people.

Now at 18.5yrs, they're still very close and enjoy spending time together. They trust each other and go to each other for support and are each other's comfort zone, but they don't depend on each other. They don't NEED the other, which was the goal.  Have have a decent amount of friends in common but a handful of their own. They do a lot of the same activites but have a few where one loves it and the  other would never do it.

My suggestion would be to do something similar to what I did with my girls. With time, they will grow out of it. Like you already know, it's common for twins to be linked together like sausages.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I have twins who are 13 yrs old. They've always been in seperate classes and mine also share a room. I think some things that help with this is to encourage them to have their own friends. My boys have some of the same friends and some different and they each get invited to different places at different times and that helps. I also used to take them out seperately for some one on one time which I do with all my kids anyway. It's nice that your twins are so close...mine are close but they also argue and fight a lot of the time too.

Answer 4

being a twin myself, they will grow out of it. at 9, me and my twin sister were super glued to eachother. now that we're 15 we REALLY like doing stuff on our own and having our own friends and making decisions without thinking about what the other one is doing. trust me. we're girls so we were prolly WAY more attached than your boys. as they get older they're more apt to get more independent on their own. it just takes time.