Perhaps an odd question regarding adoption...?

Question

I have an older sister who is in her 30's with a husband and 3 children (ages 14, 11, and 9). My sister is adopted (in my parents' country, there was a civil war and my mom basically just "found" her when during her toddler years amidst the chaos and raised her) and it's not a big deal to any of us at all. It never seemed important to any of us that she was adopted, so when she had children, she never disclosed to them that she was adopted and that we all aren't "blood."

Now that I have a family of my own, I'm concerned about how this will affect my nieces and nephew. Were we wrong for never telling them? Should we even tell them now? Won't they be angry and upset? I'm sure they'll react in much the same way any child would after finding out they're adopted...but in this case, their mom is the adoptee.

I wish I could say I could just leave it to my sister, but as far as I can tell, she has no intention of telling the children. What would you do in this situation? Thanks so much.

Answer 1

Now there's proof of one of the problems I think there is with adoption. The "old school" way of viewing adoption like it's a problem, a secret, or shameful. I hope your sister can someday feel comfortable about sharing this information with her family.

Answer 2

All I can say is that you are right when you question having a secret in the family.  One thing about secrets is that they almost always get found out eventually.  It's better if there's openness and honesty.  Try talking to your sister about it that way.

Best,

Laurie

Answer 3

Ditto What Cam said

Answer 4

I think you should let your sister decide what she tells her children.  Why is it important to you that "we all aren't blood"?  How on earth does a family of your own affect your nieces & nephew?  What does that have to do with sharing this information? Not being an adoptee, you probably don't know how YOU'D feel to find out you were adopted.  Much less how (your adopted sister's) children will react.  Seriously, I don't get it...

That said, I never felt the need to hide my adoption from anyone, nor do I feel compelled to tell everyone.  What does it matter?  My brother and sister just consider me their sister, thank God.  They don't care that I'm "not blood".  It matters not. I'm THEIRS.  I have no idea if they've told my nieces and nephews.  And they've never asked me if I've discussed it with my kids.  

Sorry to say, but I think you have ulterior motives. Think long and hard about your justifications (not reasons!) for telling information that isn't YOURS to share!

ETA: I am thrilled you added "she's my sister no matter what".  If I misunderstood your statements, that is my error.  And the reason I asked some of the questions I did...because I don't quite understand how telling her kids about her adoption affects your family.  

I believe you have every right to discuss your concerns privately with your sister.  I agree that family secrets have a way of 'leaking' out.  It's better to hear this information from their mom.   I stand by my statement that telling her children is not your decision, but hers.  

Because of the circumstances, your sister has no way to access her medical information.  Therefore, there is no medical information for her to share with her children, sadly. A blood test will determine their blood type.  Even biologically related families can have different blood types.  Your sister surely can discuss her children's medical history (or lack of) with their doctor.  

As for keeping secrets from your own child, while I do  appreciate your concern, I wonder, will you tell your child every foolish thing you did in your youth? Or if you discover a family member is using drugs? If not, does that equate to "keeping secrets" from your child? In any case, it is not YOUR secret to tell.  

Without talking to your sister, there is no way of knowing her reasons.  I haven't accused you of anything. I asked that you be clear about your own motivation for wanting to tell something that is clearly your sister's story to tell or not tell.

I'm sorry that you feel I've been uncivil in sharing my own story.  I hope I am wrong about potential 'ulterior motives'. When you write that you wish you "could just leave it to my sister, but as far as I can tell, she has no intention of telling the children" that sounds to me as if you are planning to tell without her consent.  

As I said, I just don't understand why you believe it's your responsibility to intervene and that you assume her children will be 'angry & upset'; you're "sure" (how) they will react...???

Sorry....

Answer 5

I don't think they'll have "anger issues" with it -- like you said, your sister is the adopted one!  And, if they've all been raised by a loving family, I don't think that it will matter to them even if they find out.  My little brother is adopted, and he didn't seem to care that much when he found out.  None of us feel any different towards him, and he's the only adopted one.

Answer 6

They MUST be told!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sit down with your sister and talk to her how they need to know. I would sure want to know.

Answer 7

I personally think its always better to be honest about adoption, but obviously its up to your sister.

If I was you, I'd encourage her to be honest with her kids, but if she is insistent that they can't be told, then that's her choice. She is not only the adoptee (who deserves the right to tell their own story to who they want to), but also their mum, so while I would encourage her to tell them, the final decision is up to her.

If she does tell them, they may not care, they may be upset, or they may be interested for a bit and then lose interest and forget about it. I think if I was one of them, the most upsetting thing I'd find was that she hadn't been honest with them from the word go, but better late than never.

Answer 8

First talk to your sister and find out her opinion. Second my brother is adopted and it makes no difference to me or my child about him being adopted and his son not being biological.