Placing a child for adoption...?

Question

I found out many months ago i was pregnant and after many weeks of counselling and talking to excellent people i decided to place my child for adoption. it was unplanned and i am in absolutely no position to give a child the life i would want it to have. i am completely fine with this and a wonderful family who cannot conceive naturally have been selected (they already have one adopted son).

i am due to give birth in the next few weeks and am taking everything in my stride and being very level headed about it all. i just wanted to know if anyone has been through this situation and had any advise or just experiences?

many, many thanks x*x

Answer 1

I have not been through this but I wanted to say that I give you a lot of respect for having to go through this and making all decisions with nothing but the well being of your child in mind. I think you are doing a wonderful thing, You are going to give your child a happy, bright future that you can't provide at this time all the while you are going to make one lucky couple, very,very happy.

Hopefully the child will thank and respect his biological mother in the future for stepping up and making a mature decision. I know that it is the hardest decision you have and will ever have to make in your life but, Good for You!!!

Answer 2

I would prefer to give u some advises, Please make sure you discuse the matter with your husband too if you are married. I would also suggest you to take care for the baby b yourself instead of placing at adoption. atfer all God has given you the life to you. if your mother did the same thing, you would have never enjoy the privilege that you have today mentally.

the following link will have help you in some areas from expereince people. try once, God bless you.    

http://www.gotquestions.org/roles-husban...

Answer 3

I admire you very much. Blessings to you.

Answer 4

I am adopted and let me say:  I applaud you for having the COURAGE and unselfish love it takes to give up your child for adoption.  Most American families who seek to adopt are very loving people who will take very good care of your child.  While financial stability isn't the only factor, it will certainly give your child more opportunities.  You are doing a wonderful thing.  You WILL need closure because I know in about 10 years, you'll wonder how he or she is doing.  If you feel it will give you closure, I would write a heartfelt letter to your child letting him or her know how much you loved him or her.  How this was the most important decision you ever made and that you made it to give him or her a better life.  I'm sure the adoptive parents will also raise this child knowing how much he or she is loved as well.  You are doing a brave and wonderful thing.

Answer 5

i only have experience from my side and some insight from my birthmothers side.

i was adopted at birth, and i am thankful for what she gave me. her life was headed in a bad direction and she didnt was to expose me to that. she did pull thru and has made a life for herself, including having two boys later on *19 years later*

she said she spent a good part of her life wondering about me, not regreting, just concerned. she didnt want me to hate her. how could i hate a woman that did so much for me? i did have some problems when i was a teen, but who doesnt?

you are brave, selfless and intelligent to be able to see your limitations, i respect you for that. i hope you can work through your emotions when the time comes and see the big picture. good luck and thank you for your gift you are about to give

Answer 6

This site should be helpful.  I was adopted myself:

http://www.crisispregnancy.com/

Answer 7

Congratulations on providing such a stable and loving life for you child.  That's what real motherhood is all about -- sacrifice for the good of our children!

Take it one step at a time.  Expect to grieve.  Talk with others who support and understand.  Journal.  And look forward to the photos of your beautiful and happy child to get the reassurance you may need to know you made a phenomenal decision for your child's life!  Your child will have what he/she has because of you.

The best of luck to you!!

Answer 8

you have a courage so deep hun. i hope you get everything in life you hope for and be blessed throughout.

i cant offer advice im afraid but good luck to you now and for the future xxxxxxxxx

Answer 9

Bless you.

Please take comfort in knowing that you and your child are quite literally the answer to a happy couple's hopes and prayers.

Answer 10

I don't know if this helps you any but I understand your circumstance.  I had my first child very young (16) and I decided to keep her and raise her.  I just wanted to let you know that if the adoptive family falls through I would be willing to take your baby for you in an open adoption setting.  I am married.  I have a 21 yo daughter and a 10 yo son.  God bless you and your decision.  

All my best~

Answer 11

You may change your mind after the birth.

I hope that you do and keep your own child. You are not sick, you are not going to die, you must have some friends, there's no need to give it up for adoption. But don't listen to me, because I'm anti-adoption anyway.....

You may not have enough money but if you can give it some love then that is more important than all the toys and things! Please think about it.....

Since I'm getting lots of thumbs down here, let me just say that I've been to lots of countries where people are not 'financially stable' and still bring up their children. If they all adopted their babies to us (Westerners) then the US and the West of Europe would be way too overcrowded. Your financial situation should not be an obstacle and as for being single....where there are lots of single mothers, it is not a sin anymore....

Answer 12

It sounds to me like you are prepared.....I know, you know, it took a while and a lot of consideration, education, and a "reality check" for you to get to this point.

I can tell you this.  I am forever greatful to my daughters birthmother, who, like you, is young, in college, still living at home, and not prepared to raise a child in the manner she feels she deserves.

With that said, I wish you peace, and commend you for carrying your child, making the ultimate sacrifice, and also, giving the most precious gift anyone could give.

Answer 13

im sorry i havnt been through it, but i just wanted to give my support. you have obviously thought long and hard and come to the decision that is right for you and the baby, and what a wonderful gift you are giving to the adoptive family.

there will always be people telling you not to do it, as a few here have,  but bringing a child up on your own is very hard work...and if you cannot provide for it financially or emotionally i think you are making  the bravest and best decision.

have you thought about maybe writing a letter for your child for when he/she is older...maybe you dont want to, but it would be a nice gesture for them later in life.

i really hope all goes well for you and wish you the best.

Answer 14

I can't offer advice because I can't imagine the position you're in, but I'm an adoptive mother of one and a biological mother of two, all three of whom are grown now.  I can tell you that it is entirely possible for a mother to love her adopted child in every bit the same way, and every bit as much, as her biological children.

Something that has occurred to me, though, is that when my son was grown up he got a letter from an agency that said his biological mother wanted to meet him.  He had no interest, and I said, "Can you just call them back and tell them you're ok.  She deserves that much."  He did, and he ended up meeting his biological mother.  She was disappointed to see how different he was from her other children, although he does look like a couple of them.  He had been raised by completely different people and was very different.  

Be prepared for the fact that your child's development and personality will be affected by the family who raises him or her.  It may be helpful for you to realize that the child who is raised by another family will be a very different child than if he or she were raised by you.   Keeping in mind that the child you place in an adoptive home will change and won't be the same child had you raised him or her may help keep you from always thinking about "your" child.

www.zerotothree.org has a good article on how nurturing in the first three years of life affects the formation of brain connections.  If you read that it may help you see how much the baby will benefit from parents who are ready and able to nurture those brain connections.  There's an article on something like "nurturing and brain development in the first three years" that talks about how a mother who can't offer what the child needs can stop certain brain connections from forming and how that can affect the child's stress response and immune system for the rest of his life.

Reading this article may help you feel yet even more sure of your decision.

Even as an adoptive mother, I wish all biological mothers could/would be able to keep their babies; but I respect your choice and realize that I don't understand what you're going through.

Sincere best wishes to you.  You are making a very unselfish decision.

Answer 15

WOW!  Kudos to you for thinking this through and making a positive difference in your child's life!  I was impressed by the wonderful use of proper adoption language in your question which shows me that you have thought this through and I wish you all the best.  

Blessings to you for making such a difficult decision.

Answer 16

Good for you for wanting your child to have a brighter future then you could provide.  I’d want the same thing if I had a child at time I could not properly provide for it. I’d have no problem since I’m adopted and I as a result no doubt had a better life then I would have if birthmother had kept me.  I realize this probably wasn’t an easy decision to come too.

Maybe you should go to Adoption.com forums they have a section for birthparents.  There woman who have been in your situation.

Answer 17

Although I have never gone through what you have I think what you are doing is wonderful.  I am preparing to adopt and I often use the top link to gather information.  The second link is a specific link within the first that has birth-mother stories that you could read for support.  The third is also a link off of the first that is specifically for birth mothers.  This site also has an adoption chat forum if you are interested.

These days open and semi-open adoptions are very popular and really good for the child in question.  I implore you to make an open or semi-open adoption a part of your adoption plan.

Answer 18

I think you are fantastic for giving the chance to a couple that are unable to conceive naturally.  You are giving the gift of life.

A friend of mine did this quite a few years ago now and she felt fantastic for doing it but did have a sense of loss but the good so out weighed the bad.  She gets updates from the family so she knows his progress and each time she gets this she knows it was the best thing to do and she is so proud of hima nd we are really proud of her for doing this.

After she gave birth she have time with her baby to say her goodbyes and this was right for her.

When it comes to it give yourself enough or as little time as you need to say your goodbyes.

You are amazing and i wish you all the luck

Answer 19

I have not been through this, but just wanted to offer some words of support.

You are inspirational.

Answer 20

I think you will regret it in a few years to come.  There are people who have brought up children in awful situations but they get through it.  You child would want to be with its natural mother given the choice, the life you want to have for it is irrelevant.

You obviously have doubts or you wouldnt be asking the question on here if your mind was 100% made up.

Answer 21

You must be a wonderful person to make such a difficult decision. Well done for having the courage to do what is right for you and the baby. I have never been through this, but I will never forget what it was like to hand over my stillborn son to the doctors and to leave hospital with empty arms and an aching heart. Even though you want to give up your baby, your hormones will be screaming for you to change your mind. Be strong and do what you think is best . I wish you, your baby and the adoptive family all the love and luck in the world. Please let us know how everything works out. God Bless x*x

Answer 22

I have never been in your situation but I am on the other side. I have 2 foster sons I am adopting. What you are doing is the greatest, most unselfish thing a person could do. I commend you on this decision.

Answer 23

Hey there i dont have a cue how you must feel i woudnt want to i just ant you to know that as a mother and i do want more and to adopt that i wish you all the luck and support you can get and if yu need t chat when things get hard we are always here there will always be people who are against all kinds of things but were all human and we all have different needs just promise me one thing be there if your child comes ooking for you and all the best xx

Answer 24

Consider this scenario please. A friend of mine got pregnant at a young age, was not married and the father left the decision up to her. My friend chose not to keep the baby. She figured she would just wait until she was older and her life was more stable. Well as it turned out, she didn't get another chance.

What if this is your only chance to have a child? Would you still consider adoption?

Answer 25

Just wanted to say that you are making a very honorable and respectable decision. I am pleased to hear that you are putting your child first. Well done

Answer 26

Oh my.  Not to your question, but to the answers to this question.  There are quite a few attempting to feed you the adoption koolaid here.

I have been through this situation before and I sounded much like you.  Adoption was what I was choosing, so much so that I wrote my other options off before the birth.  I didn't look at parenting resources, I didn't get proper counseling that really had me look at why I was placing. I decided almost immediately that this was what I was going to do and believed whole heartedly that I could relinquish my child and everything would go back to how it was before.

When I matched with the potential adoptive family, I decided I was an incubator to their baby.  I let them into the birth and insisted that they be the first to hold their son.

I coerced myself by doing that and consequently eleven years later, those are the issues that still bother me.

I'm not entirely sure there is a good way to prepare. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would honor the process of deciding between adoption and parenting better. Part of the problems I have had in the years since relinquishment is coming to terms with not being my own advocate. Not only did I relinquish my child, I relinquished my judgment to other people's advice for fear of either being too needy, or out of fear of making the situation worse.

So with that, I say honor the process. You cannot decide that you will relinquish your baby for adoption until after birth. You can make an adoption plan though. You can look at profiles and pre-match with a potential adoptive family. Keep in mind that this is just a plan, and the potential adoptive family is just that... potential. It is so easy to let yourself think of your baby as theirs instead of yours. It is so easy for potential adoptive parents to think of your baby as theirs and not yours. Be kind to everyone involved and not let that assumption be made. This is your baby until the termination of parental rights is signed. They should not accompany you to doctor's appointments. They should not be at the birth because of how easy it is lose sight of the huge choice you have to make after the baby is born. If you still choose adoption, they will have a lifetime to bond with your child.

If you were to choose adoption after your baby is born, realize that every moment of the time you have with your baby will be forever etched in your memory. Hold your baby. Take the time to absorb that time in. While some say the thought of looking or holding will make the separation hurt more, the lack of holding or looking hurts way more in the years to come.

Also, look at all your options. You need a parenting plan in place. You cannot make an informed decision without know all of your options. In fact, the pressure placed on you to relinquish without a parenting plan is that much worse.

Here are some good links to get some serious thought into what is to come:

Safeguarding the rights and well being of birthparents in the adoption process

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publica...

This is a website written by a birthmother to help give information about open adoption in a non-biased way.

http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/

Discussion boards to help find resources and get more information about your choices.

http://www.singlepregnancy.com/...

http://www.girl-mom.com/

http://soulofadoption.com/

Also, take a million zillion pictures of you pregnant and those few days after birth.

Answer 27

Oh Hun, I'm so glad that you have decided to help someone im sure they will love and adore the baby, i just want to say i admire you very much for what you are doing x

Just sending you all my best wishes

Answer 28

i just wanted to say ive been trying for a baby for years (6) it's truly truly heartbreaking everyday of my life since ive been trying for a baby, i feel so much pain, i know it sounds so dramatic but it's true, i feel like someones died every day of my life, but  i think what your doing is wonderful they will give so much love to that child every day of there life and be so grateful to you they will have a wonderful life

i'm glad youve been able to have counselling and been able to talk about it, i hope you have a happy life xx

Answer 29

Sorry I have no advice for you I just want to say Very Best Wishes to you & Good Luck You are the only One that knows whats best for you Love x*x

Answer 30

I hope  you have a good family that waiting on your child. I have a friend who has tried to adopt a infant. She adopted a boy at 11 but is still waiting on a infant. There are alot of good people out their waiting, i know my friend and her husband are great people.

Answer 31

God bless you x