Play date at a recovering addict's house?

Question

I moved to a small town a couple years ago. The kind of town where most people grew up knowing everyone their whole lives. But me I'm still new I dont know everyone.

I am told that my daughter's friend, his mother is a recoving heroin addict. This is okay with me, as long as she's in recovery of course. The mother is a real spaceshot. My daughter and her friend are 6.

Usually play dates are here because Gina's takes insulin. Gina went to their house to play for the first time. When I picked her up the mother was more airhead-y than usual. She had a t-shirt on and a mark on the inside of her arm (one arm, not both). Where the bend in your arm is, on the inside. I don't know if it was from needle use. I know nothing about heroin. I thought it made you tired and your words slurry. Can it make you a space shot? What kind of mark you ask? It was brownish red line. I don't really know, I didn't have my glasses on. I'm aware that before I picked my daughter up the mother was picking flowers in the yard with the kids, looking for crickets with them and they went for a short walk to the store. Mother stuff... it seems to me that an active user wouldn't do these things.

What's your take on this? I can move playdates back to my house for now but at some point I'm going to have to deal with this again. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time I can't let my daughter go over there until I'm sure. What does your gut say based on this post?

Answer 1

besides the play date thing, you could do a play date that involved both of you moms taking the kids somewhere, the park, a different playground, etc.  Get to know the mom.  I know lots of people who never have used drugs and are real space cadets so thats not a true read of drug use.  She may be trippy naturally, or come off that way if she is nervous or unsure of herself.  Her brown mark on her arm could be needle tracks, or scars from old needle tracks or magic marker from one of the kids.  I say get to know her.  Get to know her family and parenting skills.  She could probably use a friend, there is no such thing as too many friends. That way, you can see for yourself her behavior and make an informed decision, not go by what you may have heard from others.

Answer 2

No way would I send my kid over there for play dates. Your house should be the official play date house.

Don't hesitate to ask the mother about what you've heard about her. I'm sure she is well aware of the talk around town. See what she says and then keep your eyes open.

Your daughter's safety is THE most important thing, more important than giving the mother the benefit of the doubt. Keep play dates at your house.

Answer 3

Get to know the mother better. Why not stay with your daughter at the play date. If you need an excuse just say she has not been feeling well and you want to be there if she needs her insulin. If she is really spacey do not trust your daughter with her.

Answer 4

Sounds like possible heroin use, however, it is pretty slim at this point, enough to arouse suspicion but not rock solid. Heroin users have tracks which extend the length of the arm from the elbow down and they also use their legs for injections. They do not normally wear short sleeves because of this, but they do slur their words and act air heady. She may or may not be using, so you need to just keep a close eye on her and if your gut is screaming at you then by all means make alternative arrangements.

Answer 5

Totally honest here, I would sit down to a cup of coffee with her and say listen I heard something about you and we are kinda getting to be friends and so are our girls so I think you should know what I heard. Then tell her and ask her if it's true. This will give her a chance to tell you her story and clear things up, also it gives you a chance to see how she reacts. If she is hostel and doesn't seem to be telling the truth then you can decide what to do. Trust your instincts!!!!! You will know.  

Answer 6

If she is a recovering heroin addict then more than likely she is on methadone which would be a likely answer for the mark.  As for being air headed...I know many people who have never been an addict who are air headed...some are just that way naturally.

Answer 7

I don't have gut instinct from your post, honestly.

I would simply ask her out for coffee or something and bring the subject up tactfully and politely.  Tell her your concerns mother to mother and discuss it.

Answer 8

First the arm marks -- she might have track marks that will never go away but may well not be from recent use. My bio-mom has permanent track marks from 25+ years ago so I wouldn't worry about that.

Being a perpetual "space-shot" -- might come with the territory of her mind having been affected by drugs. Might be a personality trait that made her more vulnerable to them .I don't know. I have never done a single drug and I am kind of absent-minded due to mild bipolar disorder and just having an artist personality.

I agree with you that an active user would not spend time with the children doing fun things outdoors. She'd be passed out or wasted or cleaning the tile grout with a toothbrush having not eaten for two days. The preceding seems cliched, but there is a reason a cliche becomes a cliche.  She was looking for crickets with them, not picking invisible crickets off of them. That's a good thing.

I personally wouldn't worry about it. There are lots of recovering addicts from hard drugs out there living normal lives in towns that are less small than yours, where the other mommies have no idea they had an addiction to recover from. I know it's difficult and you can't un-know what you know, but try to imagine if you had no idea she had any issues. Would any of her behavior seem all that unusual to you?

I think you should continue giving her the benefit of the doubt. If her daughter seems well adjusted, clean and well cared for and her house is not a disaster (simply being more cluttered than your house doesn't count, I'm talking serious disaster area) then chances are she is doing very well and will be a fine influence on your daughter.

Answer 9

I believe the scars from heroine use never go away, so you may have seen an old mark. Most addicts don't participate in the type of activities that you mentioned when it comes to their kids. She might just not be a real smart person (Most likely wasn't if she was an addict in the first place) and I wouldn't trust her to know how to react if your daughter had a low blood sugar, as those can be life-threatening.