Please, I need advice asap. I'd love to hear from some first moms too?

Question

If your sons adoptive parents call you becauase their sons doc ask them to before going forward with more testing, would you be offended it they asked if the child may have a different father than the one who concented to the adoption.

If there was a change that there was a different father, would you tell them, even if it upset your relationship with the father of your other children?

Answer 1

I'm a first mom and I wouldn't be offended if I was asked if there was a different child and neither should they.  It's understandable that you want the best for your child and they should want the best for their child.  Lying about the child's father could cause a lot of problems and confusion.  Just ask them.  Or, just privatley as the mother and the father never has to know.  If she is a loving mother, she should not be upset at all.

Answer 2

Okay...change of answer. I thought you were the birth mother. If there is a medically necessary reason that you doctor thinks is worth asking the birth mother about your son's father, then definately do it!

Answer 3

1st,  you shouldn't be offended if they ask. They need to know for medical reasons, they are not accusing you of anything, but in today's world you always need to ask in order to be sure.

2nd. you should probably tell them if there is that chance. not only for the medical benifit of your son but also because you can't outrun your past. Your current man will find out sooner or later, and the longer you try to hide it from him the more it will hurt and the harder it will be for him to forgive  you and get things back to normal

Now that I see the additional details, I realize I read the question wrong. I thought you were the biological mother.

If your adopted son needs to know the medical history of his parents for medical reasons, you should feel free to call and ask. Its normal these days to ask that question. Maybe the biological mother will say there is no other possible father, but they shouldn't be offended just because you wanted to double check.

Answer 4

If my son's aparents asked me this question I wouldn't be offended in the least. They were nowhere near me when conception occurred and have no idea if I was truthful or not. I would reassure them that his father is in fact his father and then I would contact his fdad and ask him to provide a DNA sample. I might be a tad put out feeling that I wasn't trustworthy in their eyes but then again how many men doubt the paternity of their children? It happens all the time and if you are sure who your "baby daddy" is then you come out smelling like a rose in the end anyhow.

Answer 5

Hi Bella May,

I think you have to ask for the health of your child.  Blame it on the doctor, since he is the one asking really.  I would get the First Mom alone to ask this question.  I don't think its your place though to inform the First Father that he isn't the bio-father if it turns out that way.  If it turns out that way do tell the First Mother though.

Did i make sense??  I'm so sorry to hear of your child's health issues.  Good Luck

By the way, one of my bio-kids has a heart problem and "just as a formality we have to ask, is your husband the father of our daughter?" is what they said to me.  Maybe that wording will help you ask the question.  IDK:P

Answer 6

Wow.  You are in a tough spot, however, your child's health is the final goal.  You state that you have a relationship with the bio mother, so I would start with that.  Let her know that your son is going through a lot of tests and that she can help.  Let her know that you will keep anything she says confidential.  Make it clear that you will not judge her and reinforce that your child may be able to avoid unnecessary testing based on her answers.

Good luck.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 7

Both the adoptive and first mom should talk, just the 2 of them, in private, and find out if that is a chance.  If so, it can be handled discreetly, without telling her husband, and the information can be given to the doctor, FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE.  Everything should be done for the child's sake.  There is a risk that the biological father could have rights in a few states now, so be prepared for the repercussions of talking with him.  Seek information on the punitive father registry if there's a chance in your state.

Good luck, and my prayers are for the baby.  It sounds like he might need them.

Answer 8

if there was any chance i was wrong about the father i would tell them... obviously they need to know something genetically that could be really serious about their child. dont be selfish

Answer 9

do not take offense all they want is solid answers to connect the dots of what may be wrong, tell them the honest truth, you've made adult hard decisions already, make this one right also, it's for the babes, good luck, big hugs

Answer 10

You do realize that if your child has a different father than the father who consented to the adoption, your adoption is at risk, don't you?

Answer 11

Do what you have to do in the best interest of the child's health, that's all that matters.

I'm disgusted that someone would suggest putting the threat of a different father potentially putting the adoption at risk over what is best for the child.  Disgusted but not surprised.  Off to be sick now (again)

Wishing you all the best of luck with your child's health worries x

Answer 12

As a first mom, I would do anything to ensure my child has the best possible chance at being happy and healthy. I would never want to undermine the a-parent's ability to care for my child. I think that as long as you speak to her privately and tactfully, she will appreciate your both respecting her privacy and your concern. I might be offended if you implied that I had lied or whatever, but how could someone fault you for wanting to do what's best for a child? If the father is different than the father of my other children and he was unaware of that fact I would surely want you to keep that information secure. (I personally would have let him know but for the sake of discussion...) It would be wrong to cause her further problems by divulging a painful secret.

I hope that your son is alright and that everything works out for all of you.