Please, I want to hear husband's side also..?

Question

I am married for 22 years already. Six yrs after our marriage my husband was assigned out of town of his job. Less than a year , his employer informed me that my husband had an affair there and even suggested to go there and see it myself. Bt I refused since I have 2 kids to attend to. And then there was this guy , my ofcmate whom I can talk anything under the sun and that’s include my husband’s affair. Until unknowingly. I fall for him , the worst thing that happened in my life. It lasted for 6 months.

After 2 years my husband came back and we live a normal life not asking him what I heard , maybe because of guilt that I did something without his knowledge until we had another child.

Years passed, I heard that he had again an affair. I confronted him but he denied it. Me who again felt guilty did not give persistence on asking even I knew that it was really true, because every time he did that I am the one who is guilty. Until recently that I can not bear the pain anymore of his womanizing especially that the girl is just the same age as our eldest son, I told him what I did 17 years ago. I did that to get even with him and besides, I am tired of keeping my secret. He was sooooo mad that I thought he’s going to hit me, thanks God no. He never thought that I can do that. That was the beginning of our no husband – wife relationship. Until now they still have an affair. He always goes home bet. 2-4 am The worst thing is, he threatens me that if I will interfere or make move to see the girl, he’s going to tell our children of what I did before.

I am praying so hard that our relationship will come back, that he will be enlightened that it happened many years ago (17 yrs) and that I really regret it , not like him that until now it’s still going on.

Do you think that my right as a wife disappear because of what I did?

Do you think we can have a normal life after telling him my secret? He told me that he will never forget it until he died. Sometimes I regret why I told him the truth, even if I know that I already get even with him, but I’m not happy about it.

Please , help me what to do. I want my husband to be back . I really want to hear the side of a husband if there’s still a chance for us. Thanks.

Answer 1

I think there are so many things done wrong here , I think the only possible help would be counseling

Answer 2

ok, i can understand your pain, but two wrongs dont make a  right.. you know that sweetie. Now before i go further, i am not disappointed in you.. however i am in him.. you mad a mistake and told why you did what you did.. it was out of hurt and pain.. you then told him (regardless of how long it took) but the thing that erks me is he still continues to have an affiar, but holds you guilty and see's thatit is ok for him to keep on what he is doing.. see now he is thinking it is OK for him to continue and he is basically black maling you against your loved ones.. your kids!!!!! how awful!!!!!   i truly dont think you will see anything good come out of this..  you set yourself free and came clean, yet he is a coward who cannot do the same.dosnt seem like counseling will work since he is in the mindset that you are the one who messed things up. well it takes two to tango and he is now gonna use this against you always.. i would seriously as much as it hurts get out of the marriage.. this is not a way to live and for anyone to threaten to tell your kids things and bring them into this is a SNAKE.. i truly hope for the best for you and your kids.. i dont wish anything good for him.. sorry

Answer 3

be open with your children about the mistakes that you made in the past.. so that your husband will not threaten you with telling your children what u did in the past.  at least you wont be burden with your guilt.  then next talk with your hubby and be open and tell him if he still wants the relationship to work.  if so, both of you will start with a clean slate.. no digging about the past.. if he is agreeable then good, but if he's still mad at you.. then i guess you should prepare your divorce papers...

Answer 4

Sorry, there is no magic time machine. We all make decisions and must be responsible for them. I dont think your situation will improve.

Answer 5

you really have nothing to be sorry about! He was the one who did it to you, yes you did it out of spite but girl he is still doing it to you!!! If the kids are old enough to know what is going on then if i was you i would be the bigger parent and tell them the truth! Don't let him hold this over your head like its all your fault! If he wants to keep messing around on you then you are sooo much better off without him! Trust me i have been there in your shoes and i was 5 months pregnant at the time! Its never gonna get any better unless he wants it to get better!

There are allot of single mothers out there in this world and they are great mom's! You don't need a man to complete you! All you need in this world is yourself and your sanity and your children by your side! You are im sure a great mother and have been there for your children and he has not since he is out horring around!

Be strong for your children and yourself!

Answer 6

>>> The worst thing is, he threatens me that if I will interfere or make move to see the girl, he’s going to tell our children of what I did before. <<<

Annnnd that's why when you are in the right, you don't start correcting things by going on the defensive.  There was plenty of time to admit your affair *after* he admitted the (at least) 2 of his.

He is a complete and utter hypocrite for being pissed about your cheating when he did it himself, and can't even 'fess up to it.  He is putting his shameful behavior on you.  I would not forget what you did until I died either, but I would be ashamed that I was no better.  You, as a fellow cheater, are also a hypocrite to an extent, but I understand you are not the same person you were 17 years ago.  For starters, you have regrets your husband does not appear to have.

His threat is blackmail pure and simple.  Shame on him for pulling it.  Normally what you have to do with blackmail is take away the ammo.  In this case, face up to the children about what happened and why, and why you are even bothering them with this (which would be ... because you are being threatened with it).  I guess you won't be the perfect mother anymore, but if I was your kid, in the end I'd be more pissed at him than you.

Of course that will probably just p**s your husband off more, for not acting completely intimidated, and for stirring up sh*t with the kids that he had threatened to stir up himself -- more hypocrisy.

I don't know if you can have a "normal" marriage again.  Certainly not in the short term.  I don't think you have lost your rights as a wife, assuming he has chosen to keep you as one.

Things can get better if your husband starts treating you like a wife, if he stops seeing his fling (or you get used to it -- you seem to be used to being treated like a doormat), and he gets over something that happened 17 years ago that he is also guilty of.  Oh, and he really ought to stop lying about his philandaring history, too, 'cause it's a pretty pathetic act.  Note how most of this stuff is on him.  It is only on you to explain it to him since he is clearly too thick to get it.

Or if you eventually get fed up with his behavior, you can take it all the way to divorce, but I'll warn you now, never threaten divorce if you aren't willing to follow through with it.

Good luck.