Please HELP me with my 8 year old! IDK what to do anymore?

Question

what do you think about using a bar of soap for a "dirty mouth" is there any health risks? we have tried everything from..... timeouts, grounding, taking video games and other privileges, to spankings (last resort and i hate doing it) we've made him a sticker chart to encourage good behavior, he also loses stickers when he breaks a "house rule" which is written and posted for all to see. He can earn such things as special treats, outings, video games etc. 1 sticker is equal to 1 dollar, none of this seems to be working with my 8 year old.....the 3 year old seems to respond well.

Anyway there is so much more to this story, his background and everything, both his parents pretty much abandoned him and my husband and i took him in and have tried to raise him as our own.... his emotional ups and downs are causing so much stress in our house it may possibly end our marriage, We don't want to abandon him to but our family is suffering.....

NEED IDEAS PLEASE

Answer 1

Quite honestly, in my opinion, whether you feel you can afford counseling or not, you need to find a way to make it happen.  He also sounds like he may have some form of ADHD which would explain a lot of his behavior.  I don't know his past but without counseling you may never get a handle on what is going on with him.  I used soap with my boys when they were young but from what you've said, I personally wouldn't go there with him because it will just add the problems.

I really hope you'll reconsider the counseling.  I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

It sounds like you're describing a child messed up by somebody else, who is angry.

The methods you described, for the most part, should work well for an 8 year old.  In all seriousness, I think a counselor/therapist would be useful in this case, because there seems to be a deeper issue causing that type of behavior.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

I, too, had a "strong-willed" child.  Some "ideas" that worked with me.  

Music. . .bought him a keyboard - he taught himself how to play.  Then we got him a guitar - he taught himself how to play.  From there, he has learned other instruments (15) and LOVES his music - which turned him into creating his own music and lyrics - he writes his own poetry (although doesn't really like to share it with anyone)

Rock Painting. . .took some poster paints/brushes/etc and found some cool rocks to paint for the garden.  We had dogs and frogs and all kinds of "bug painted" rocks. . . it gave his creative side something to think about.  We ended up finding rocks that resembled the USA and painted them with icons from each state.  He also liked "chalk" sidewalks and now does fantastic "doodling".

This young 8 year old is now 25 years old.  Still has his "days"  too.  I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

sounds to me like he needs some counseling. and maybe a trip to bootcamp for kids that can't behave! tough love is just that...tough, on everyone! he needs to learn to appreciate what he has been given. he could be in an orphange or a group home. but, instead, he has a nice bed to sleep in, a loving couple to care for him, food. shelter...you know what? i would start taking stuff like that from him! and make hm do more chores! if he cusses at you or breaks a rule, take his bed down and leave only the mattress. then, bad agian, take the door off his bedroom, phone, t.v., friend contact..ect. then, make him earn your respect by doing chores to get things back. when he can respect the house rules, then he can also have respect for himself and others. sounds tough...but you don't want this problem to escelate into his teens and then you really start to have a problem!! good lcuk and email me if you need help or have any questions.

If you can't do counseling, try some "at home" therapy with him. here's what we do at my office: calmly and quietly after your 3 yr old is in bed, sit him down. no t.v. on, just you and your husband. let him know from the start that you are all family and that you love him. ask him if there is anything he would like to talk about, let him be honest. ask him if he would like to stay there with you guys, or if he would like to go and live in a group home. maybe take him to one and let him see what it's all about. it's not great. and i'm sure that he would not want to stay there. contact the ppl who run it first and let them know your situation. maybe they can have some of the kids that actually live there talk to him and they can tell him how bad they wish they had a family like he does. you are going to have to get into his mind. and the mind of a mad 8 yr old can be a scary place! watch out for aggresive behavior against your 3 yr old, as he is the only person that he can really "bully" and he might take out his frustrations and anger for his situation on the little one, because he's not able to really defend himself. there are too many stories in the news now a days about child/child violence. don't leave them alone together! also, don't let this come between you and your husband. maybe see a pastor or someone in the community that can help. even talk to the ppl at the ymca. they might be able to help you guys out. again, i hope this helps and contact me if you need help! i have piles of books on this subject!!

as for the soap, skip it. the more negative attention you give him, the more he is going to seek it out just to prove he is stronger willed than you. plus, in some kids it can cause gastric upset and allergic reactions...breathing problems, soap is different now than it was years ago when this was common practice! soap used to be pretty simple, but now there are antibac. agents, fragrances, ect. that can cause airway constriction and many other problems. that's why on the soap package it states clearly, "for external use only". skip it in my opinion, it's not going to truely solve anything for him. do try to refrain or completly do away with foul language in his presence, monkey see...monkey do. set a good example for him to follow, then he can never say "well, i learned it from you..." or "you do it all the time!!"

Answer 5

On the backtalking thing:

Think about why he's doing it.  Maybe he feels left out and wants more attention and is backtalking/talking over you for attention.

You need to go two ways to fix this - and you need to do BOTH.  First, you need to spend more one-on-one play time with him.  Or cuddle time - something to make him feel more wanted.  He is probably struggling with rejection and reacting the only way he knows how.  I believe he is craving loving social contract.

Second, AFTER you get the additional 'loving' firmly into the picture, balance it out with respect.  Tell him that you love and respect him and expect him to respect you.  Try to talk to him like an adult, when he does the talk-over/rude interrupt, give him a system that removes him from the social contract that he craves.  "Go to your room" is the most common of these.  Try to punish him with things that are easy for you and hard for him to change.  Don't take away toys, but send him to his room.  Say "No TV for the remainder of the day whenever you talk back" that's healthy anyway.

Anyway you decide to do it, keep up with a SYSTEM - the best thing you can do is designate a clear and simple system of cause and effect, so (for example) he knows when he talks back that he'll have to go to his room.  It's this system that creates a strong foundation of discipline.

And - start with baby steps.  The world wasn't built in a day, and he's a little boy worth feeling sorry for.

Answer 6

Call Nanny 911. I am not being facetious, I mean it I love that show, she is so good.

Answer 7

He really does need counciling. You can approach the school he attends and ask that he sees the school councelor, as they are free. Also, if he is not your 'actual'/by blood son, there are different rules for state aid for someone you 'took in' as a minor. You should call your local social services office and ask them for details. Also, going to church and approaching counciling that way (through a youth group, pastor, or minister) may be of major help for you. Sounds like this is due to his lack of 'feeling safe' - no matter how much you reassure him. He needs to know that you'll NEVER leave him - EVER. You could tell him for years and it may take longer - which is why the councelors is a great outlet for you.

Best of luck.

Answer 8

Here is a kid that is pushing you away because he assumes that he is unloveable and you will abandon him just as everyone else has. So some of this will not be cured except with time. It may also be possible that if you do actually adopt him, the simple act will calm him down.

What I suggest is family therapy. Due to his particular background, you may not be able to do this successfully without help from a professional. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 9

My youngest went through this stage when she started school. She learned all sorts of lovely curse words. This is what we told her when she tried new words on me and daddy." We will not speak to you or even look your way when you use those words, until you're able to give us a heart felt apology." She said, "d**n it all to h**l." the next day. so we both walked off. She said, "Wait a minute mommy!! Come here!!" We ignored her. she cried for about 15 minutes and then came in with hugs and kisses and I'm so sorry's. she hasn't done it since.

I will not reward that behavior with acknowledgment.

Answer 10

I don't think the soap will work, this is a deeper problem than just his mouthing off. It is respect. He's not showing proper respect. And it is probably because he is trying to get a rise out of you and aggravate the situation until you do abandon him. He thinks its going to happen since it already did happen once before. And he probably thinks his parents abandoning him are his fault. He needs therapy. Here are some suggestions besides therapy.

1) do not talk over him when he tries to do that to you. Stop talking and simply look at him. Do not get mad! Keep your cool! You are the adult. Simply keep repeating yourself and stopping until he realizes that he can't get away until you finish and that he's not ruffling you.

2) stick to your guns on everything. Put up rules and take away everything (and i mean everything from tv to outings). And give them back one by one as he improves.

3) realize that just because it works for your 3 year old doesn't mean it will work for him, the three year old is younger and has a different history imprinted on him.

4) try to understand that he knows the effect he is having on you and if he tears you apart it will tear him apart in the long run. He is doing this to protect himself. Don't give up on him.

5) THERAPY!!!

Answer 11

kids act up for attention... the most important thing i learnt (which i WISH i woulda found out sooner), is that there is nothing more effective than ignoring him when he behaves like this. ignore him until he starts acting normal again or calms down, and then just be normal with him. the minute he starts acting up, again, ignore him. eventually he will get the message that his bad behaviour is neither getting your attention nor causing you distress, and he will get bored of acting that way.

it's hard, and you have really got to stuck it out. i had to ignore mine nearly 6 hours sometimes (apart from feeding them and other necessities). when i could tell they were frustrated with being ignored and their temper had gone i would ask:" are you ready to act normal again now? shall we be normal now?" and the answer wa salways yes followed by an apology. 9 months down the line and they are well behaved angels now! it really is worth it, give it a go!

edit: as for the soap.. no! we are living in a civilised society, soap is not meant to be ingested, there are all kinds of chemicals in there. to me this boy sounds very confused. havig both parents abandon you must be the worst thing that could happen to someone his age. i really really feel sad for him. like someone said already on here, he is pushing you away to see if you will actually stay. i cant imagine whats going on in his poor little head :(

Answer 12

Please go to your library and see if they have two books:  "Love and Logic" and "Kids are Worth It."  This young man needs boundaries, limits, respect--even though he doesn't think so.  These books will help you relax, establish discipline and get on with things so you  can just love him.

Best of luck.

Answer 13

First I want to say way to go for asking for help.  That is sometimes the hardest part.  I think you have gotten some really good responses here.  Are you and your husband able to spend quality time with just him?  I have noticed when my 10 year old niece was acting out what she really wanted was time with her mom.  My sister set aside time with her and they played board games, went out to dinner etc and did stuff that was important to my niece and for a while my sister really tried not to say no.  Instead of saying no you can't do xy or z why not try why don't you do 123 and give some examples.  Give him some control because it sounds like  he is trying to take control of the situation but in a negative way. If he can make some decisions on his own maybe he will act better.  I know one punishment my mom did was make us come up with our own.  That was hard maybe let him choose rewards and punishments himself.  Good Luck!