Please Help Me Shorten This Paragraph?

Question

I am doing this essay contest. The entry cannot be more then 400 words. I have 429 words. You also have to use their starting paragraph, which is 43 words. So pleas help me condense my paragraph from 429 words to 357, while still conveying my message and basic ideas.

Thank You!

Answer 1

It is great.  Here goes:

Why did we always have to move? I hated it, but there was no time to think about that then. I leapt out of my warm and comfortable bed, looking for a place to hide. It seemed like no place was safe. The closet was dark and musty; the corners were dark and eerie. The rest of my room was just…dark. Oh geez, what was that noise, and oh my gosh, did I just see eyes in the corner? I didn’t want to stay around long enough to find out.  I snatched my pillow and blanket and raced out the door.

In the hall I found darkness and more darkness.  I dashed into Mom's room...only...she wasn't there.  Figuring she fell asleep by the TV, I ventured down to the living room, only to remember, our TV wasn’t set up yet. Then, what were those voices in the background? Were we being robbed?

Nobody would steal our pancake mix and eggs or a few blankets or pillows. I quietly crept into the dining room, but no one was there. The whole house was completely vacant. Where was Mom? And Skippy? That old dog couldn’t walk 2 steps let alone out the back door. I wasn’t scared anymore though, I was terrified! Here I was, all alone in a new, large, and completely empty house, who wouldn’t be scared? After checking the house for a second, third, and fourth time, I realized that I was completely exhausted, and it was now 4 AM. I started up the stairs, then remembered the eyes in the corner, turned around, and found a cozy place to sleep in the living room, with the lights on. In no time I was out.

“"Emma! Breakfast!” Mom’s voice wafted into the living room. She was home! I opened my eyes and realized, I was in my old bed, in my own room, in my old house.  I ran all the way  to the kitchen, where Mom was making bacon and eggs. I explained to her what happened. She told me I should stop watching so many scary movies right before bed. I agree!

That got rid of about 65 words I think.  You really write very well.

Answer 2

I did some...you just need to get rid of unnecessary words. and use conjunctions where you can. ha! I calculated and it's at 383 now. woot! hi ^5. you'll get it. good luck!

Why did we always have to move? I hate it, but there was no time to think about that then. I leapt from my warm bed, looking for a place to hide. It seemed like no place was safe. The closet was dark and musty; the corners were eerie. The rest of my room was just…dark. Oh geez, what was that noise, and did I just see eyes in the corner? I didn’t want to stay around long enough to find out. Quickly, I snatched my fluffy white pillow and tan blanket from my bed, before bounding out the door.

As I glanced around the hall, I found more darkness. Thinking fast, I dashed into my mom’s room, only to find…she wasn’t there. “Where could she be at 2 AM?” I pondered looking down at my watch. Figuring she fell asleep downstairs by the TV, I ventured down to the living room, only to remember, our TV wasn’t set up yet. Then, what were those voices in the background? Were we being robbed?

No, in our house were blankets and pillows. Nobody would want that stuff, and I’m sure they didn’t come to steal our pancake mix and eggs. I crept into the dining room, but no one was there. The house was vacant. Where was Mom? And Skippy? That old dog couldn’t walk 2 steps let alone out the back door. I wasn’t scared anymore, I was terrified! Here I was, all alone in a new, large, and empty house, who wouldn’t be scared? After checking the house for a second, third, and fourth time, I realized that I was completely exhausted, and it was now 4 AM. I started up the stairs to my room. Then, remembered the eyes in the corner, turned around, and found a cozy place to sleep in the living room, with the lights on. After about 2 minutes, I was out like a light bulb.

“Emma! Breakfast!” Mom’s called from the kitchen. She was home! I opened my eyes and realized, I was in my old bed, in my own room.  I ran all the way down to the kitchen, where Mom was making bacon and eggs. I explained to her what happened. She told me I should stop watching so many scary movies right before bed. I agree!

Answer 3

You should really work on shortening it...thats not up to me. But good luck though......It is good, and grabbing in a way. I write like there is no tommarow, and I sound like im 30. Its interesting......but, good luck....

Answer 4

Why did we always have to move? I hate it, but there was no time to think about that then. I leapt from my warm bed, looking for a place to hide. It seemed like no place was safe. The closet was dark and musty; the corners were eerie. The rest of my room was just…dark. Oh geez, what was that noise, and did I just see eyes in the corner? I didn’t want to stay around long enough to find out. Quickly, I snatched my fluffy white pillow and tan blanket from my bed, before bounding out the door.

As I glanced around the hall, I found more darkness. Thinking fast, I dashed into my mom’s room, only to find…she wasn’t there. “Where could she be at 2 AM?” I pondered looking down at my watch. Figuring she fell asleep downstairs by the TV, I ventured down to the living room, only to remember, our TV wasn’t set up yet. Then, what were those voices in the background? Were we being robbed?

No, in our house were blankets and pillows. Nobody would want that stuff, and I’m sure they didn’t come to steal our pancake mix and eggs. I crept into the dining room, but no one was there. The house was vacant. Where was Mom? And Skippy? That old dog couldn’t walk 2 steps let alone out the back door. I wasn’t scared anymore, I was terrified! Here I was, all alone in a new, large, and empty house, who wouldn’t be scared? After checking the house for a second, third, and fourth time, I realized that I was completely exhausted, and it was now 4 AM. I started up the stairs to my room. Then, remembered the eyes in the corner, turned around, and found a cozy place to sleep in the living room, with the lights on. After about 2 minutes, I was out like a light bulb.

“Emma! Breakfast!” Mom’s called from the kitchen. She was home! I opened my eyes and realized, I was in my old bed, in my own room. I ran all the way down to the kitchen, where Mom was making bacon and eggs. I explained to her what happened. She told me I should stop watching so many scary movies right before bed. I agree!

hey bella!!! i rewrote it so its shorter now!!!   I MISSED YOU!!!!!!!   Love ya!!!! -- BFOY--    Tayyyy !

Answer 5

omg wow.

okay hold on

okay i suck at this

sorry i dont know how i guess.

its good. whatever its about

Answer 6

Its great and all, but outside help is considered cheating

Answer 7

Thinking fast, being totally surrounded by darkness, I dashed into my mom’s room, only to find…she wasn’t there. “Where could she be at 2 AM?” I pondered, looking down at my watch. Figuring she fell asleep downstairs by the TV, I ventured down to the living room, only to remember, our TV wasn’t set up yet. But those voices in the background? Were we being robbed?

5 minutes ago

No,we only have were a few blankets and pillows. Nobody would want that stuff, and I’m sure they didn’t come to steal milk and eggs. I quietly crept into the dining room, but no one was there. The whole house was completely vacant. Where was Mom? And Skippy? That old dog couldn’t walk 2 steps let alone out the back door. ? No longer scared, but terrified instead, I was all alone in a new, large, and completely empty house.

After checking the house again and again, it was now 4 am and I was completely exhausted. I started up the stairs to my room. Then, remembering the eyes in the corner, turned around, and found a cozy place to sleep in the living room, with the lights on. After about 2 minutes, I was out like a light.

5 minutes ago

“Emma! Breakfast!” Mom’s voice wafted through the kitchen and into the living room. She was home! I opened my eyes and realized, I was in my old bed, in my own room. As I snuck into the hall, I realized I was in my old house. I ran all the way down to the kitchen, where Mom was making bacon and eggs. I explained to her what had happened. She told me I should stop watching so many scary movies right before bed. I agree!