Please I'm begging you! Help with my writing!?

Question

I need to write an essay/letter for my new honors language arts teacher, and I really want to make a good impression. Please, I have really choppy writing and I hate it! So could you please tell me where it's choppy and give me suggestions to fix it? If its bad could you tell me, if its fast or just overall unprofessional, and not friendly enough to be a letter, please let me know and give me suggestions to fix it! PLease!

Dear Mr. Pung,

My name’s Kim and I would like to give you a little idea of who I am. I’m your average thirteen-year-old I suppose, compelled by reading, writing, politics, and meaningful music. And by meaningful I mean, with lyrics that break the mold of the music most kids my age appreciate, the kind where if their parents listened, they would most likely shake their heads in disappointment. That concept also applies to my reading interests. Books with no compelling plot bore me instantly, and make me feel like I’m reading the same page over and over again. However, books in which surprise me constantly do wonders for my own writing, as they endlessly inspire me. As for my interest in politics, I would rather not discuss it in this letter, for I doubt you want ten pages of my ranting on your desk.

Another thing about me is that I’m a very goal oriented person. Like myself, straight A’s seem to be the goal every student has in the back of their minds, but I tend to hold on to that kind of grade perfection—if not close—and remember that it’s honestly not too difficult to keep up the grade. In most cases, optimism and encouragement from good teachers seems to be the key. I also hope to not let school work be my excuse for staying home from other commitments. I trust that I can be on top of my school work and my sport of which requires my intense dedication—Tae Kwan Doe. I’m hopeful to becoming a black belt in a few short months.

For high school, I’m hoping to load up on classes the first couple of years so I can be lazy as a senior, even though I’m well aware that that is easier said than done. I also wish to be a part of the youth and government program, because of my interest in all sides of politics, even though life as a politician is the farthest thing from my mind. In fact, I don’t really have an ultimate dream for my future yet, besides the desire to simply be successful. And that’s okay. Most likely my goals and dreams for my future will change dramatically as time goes by, so I figure I’ll let my experiences and future interests shape my decision.

In conclusion, I figure I’m a pretty well-balanced person with my goals of academic excellence and for my commitment with Tae Kwan Doe. I’m interested in who I do end up becoming as an adult, what with my ever-changing interests, and/or obsessions, and the fact that I know by watching my parents that goals truly do make you successful in life.

Answer 1

Dear Professor. Pung,

My name is Kim. I am your average thirteen-year-old interested in reading, writing, politics, and music. My interest in reading is broad and liberal.  Books of interest do wonders for my own writing, as they endlessly inspire me. Books that have no salient plot bore me. As for my interest in politics, I live to learn; politics and social sciences inspire me.

I am also a goal oriented person. I tend to hold to the ethos of grade perfection—if not close—and maintain a work ethic that effort equals the good grade. In most cases, optimism and encouragement from good teachers is the key. I trust that I can be on top of my studies and my sport that requires my intense dedication—Tae Kwan Doe. All said, I am hopeful of becoming a black belt in the immediate future.

For high school, I plan to load up on classes the first few years and enable myself as a senior. I am well aware that this is easier said than done. I also wish to be a part of the youth and government program, because of my interest in all sides of politics. In time, I have a desire to be successful. That is doable. I see my goals and dreams for the future change as time cedes. My experiences and future interests shape my decision.

I am an all-round balanced person. My goals of academic excellence and commitment to Tae Kwan Doe are my life. I am interested in who I do end up becoming as an adult; with my ever-changing interests, and/or interests, and the fact that I know by observing my guardians; that goals make you successful in this life.

Answer 2

line 2: compelled out, 'interested in' in.  I can't go any further -- ech!  try to write like you talk, using ordinary language. Vocabulary will come but not at the expense of your prof's sanity.