Question:

Please I'm begging you! Help with my writing!?due tomorrow!PLEASE!?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike



I need to write an essay/letter for my new honors language arts teacher, and I really want to make a good impression. Please, I have really choppy writing and I hate it! So could you please tell me where it's choppy and give me suggestions to fix it? If its bad could you tell me, if its fast or just overall unprofessional, and not friendly enough to be a letter, please let me know and give me suggestions to fix it! PLease!

Dear Mr. Pung,

My name’s Kim and I would like to give you a little idea of who I am. I’m your average thirteen-year-old I suppose, compelled by reading, writing, politics, and meaningful music. And by meaningful I mean, with lyrics that break the mold of the music most kids my age appreciate, the kind where if their parents listened, they would most likely shake their heads in disappointment. That concept also applies to my reading interests. Books with no compelling plot bore me instantly, and make me feel like I’m reading the same page over and over again. However, books in which surprise me constantly do wonders for my own writing, as they endlessly inspire me. As for my interest in politics, I would rather not discuss it in this letter, for I doubt you want ten pages of my ranting on your desk.

Another thing about me is that I’m a very goal oriented person. Like myself, straight A’s seem to be the goal every student has in the back of their minds, but I tend to hold on to that kind of grade perfection—if not close—and remember that it’s honestly not too difficult to keep up the grade. In most cases, optimism and encouragement from good teachers seems to be the key. I also hope to not let school work be my excuse for staying home from other commitments. I trust that I can be on top of my school work and my sport of which requires my intense dedication—Tae Kwan Doe. I’m hopeful to becoming a black belt in a few short months.

For high school, I’m hoping to load up on classes the first couple of years so I can be lazy as a senior, even though I’m well aware that that is easier said than done. I also wish to be a part of the youth and government program, because of my interest in all sides of politics, even though life as a politician is the farthest thing from my mind. In fact, I don’t really have an ultimate dream for my future yet, besides the desire to simply be successful. And that’s okay. Most likely my goals and dreams for my future will change dramatically as time goes by, so I figure I’ll let my experiences and future interests shape my decision.

In conclusion, I figure I’m a pretty well-balanced person with my goals of academic excellence and for my commitment with Tae Kwan Doe. I’m interested in who I do end up becoming as an adult, what with my ever-changing interests, and/or obsessions, and the fact that I know by watching my parents that goals truly do make you successful in life.

 Tags:

   Report

4 ANSWERS


  1. It looks good! A few thoughts:

    "And by meaningful I mean, with lyrics that break the mold of the music most kids my age appreciate, the kind where if their parents listened, they would most likely shake their heads in disappointment."

    Take out "and." I can't tell if the parents would shake their heads at your music or the other kids' music.  

    "Books with no compelling plot bore me instantly" - that's your second use of "compel"

    "books in which surprise me" books that surprise me

    "constantly do wonders for my own writing, as they endlessly inspire me" This is a little adverb overkill - I would eliminate "constantly"

    "Like myself, straight A’s seem to be the goal every student has in the back of their minds"

    Like me, every student seems to have the goal of straight A's foremost on their minds.

    "I trust that I can be on top of my school work and my sport of which requires my intense dedication—Tae Kwan Doe." ...my sport, Tae Kwan Do, which requires my intense dedication.

    (I think it's spelled "Do")

    "I’m hopeful to becoming a black belt" I hope to become a black belt


  2. Its good, ill give you that. You could try to lengthen the sentaces, not all of them, so that it does not seem like your so exitted, but thats ok. Just have some people that can talk to you in real life, such as your mom and dad.

  3. Indent, it would really help.

    For the intro, dont talk about how you like good books, give examples. Why you enjoy them... etc

    sorry i couldnt analyze the whole thing but being specific with examples is the most appreciated thing by a teacher

  4. You've got a good essay here; don't worry. I especially like the variety of sentences you play with - variety of structure and length.

    To double check (edit), read a sentence aloud and listen to it. I think you've been writing and re-writing and you have a few leftover words.

    Example:

    books in which surprise me  should be     books which surprise me

    sport of which requires     should be      sport which requires

    Your teacher will explain about parallel construction to really polish your writing, but you're well on your way, in my opinion, and your teacher will enjoy getting to know you through your letter.

    Have fun learning!

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 4 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.