Hi
OK, sorry in advance for the long question, but I really need help with this.
About a year ago my mum had an affair, my parents got divorced (my mum’s choice, not my dad’s), and me, my brother and my sister now live with my mum. I’m 17, and although I’ve never really been close to either of my parents, since then my mum has been becoming more and more unbearable. When they got divorced my mum moved us so that we were about 1 and a half hours drive away from my dad, and she doesn’t consult him on anything to do with us, or let him take us anywhere. We’re also quite far away from my school (but I couldn’t move schools) and friends. She banned me from contacting my friends, which was especially hard because I was upset about my parents splitting up. When we argued about this, she said that she was glad I couldn’t see my friends. We live quite near a train station, so sometimes I go on my own to see my dad. If I do this, or suggest that we could go and see him, she says that I am ‘sneaky’ and she’s constantly asking me if I’ve contacted him, or if he’s contacted me, and what we said and when. My siblings think the same, but won’t stand up for themselves (they’re both younger than me – one is 14, the other’s 10). At the moment, we see him once every 2 weeks at his parents’ house. If we say that we want to see him more, she either simply says ‘no way’ or tries to make us feel guilty. For example, she always says “you’re happy to live in my house and use my money, but you go behind my back to speak to himâ€Â. Is this fair?
It’s just as bad when my dad isn’t there. She works quite near to my school, but won’t pick me up – instead I have to use my own money to catch buses and trains home, the journey takes about 2hours every morning/evening. When she comes home, she yells at me if the house is untidy, since I’m the oldest and she works all day she says I have to do the housework. Maybe this is fair enough, but my mum and my brother purposefully leave things lying around the house so that I will have to clean them up. My sister (who I get on well with most of the time) will tell my mum that it is my brother’s fault, but my mum will ignore her. I’m doing my A-levels, so I have a lot of work to do, but she will wait until I have sat down and just about to start before she yells at me to do something else. If I complain, she laughs at me. I miss a lot of deadlines because of this. Like I said, we were never close, but now she only talks to me to tell me to do something – literally. Then she will sit on the sofa with my sister and brother and watch TV. They will be laughing and talking, then as soon as I walk in the room they will immediately stop, and she will change the channel to something she knows I don’t like watching. As soon as I leave the room, she’ll change the channel back and start laughing and joking with my brother and sister again. She constantly compares me to my sister, who is basically prettier, smarter, funnier and nicer than me in mostly every way. I know this is true, and its not that I’m jealous really, it’s just that she keeps on pointing it out. If I feel good about myself (like my hair has gone right or I have new clothes e.t.c) then she will make a huge fuss over my sister, and will keep on looking at me, as though she is waiting for me to react. I know I’m not pretty or anything, but when I was younger she always told me how ugly I was, or how bad my hair looked, and forced me to wear clothes I hated. I’ve learnt not to listen to her now, but I think that this might have caused me to be shy. She always makes sly comments “behind my back†(i.e. right behind my back, and loudly so that I hear them) like “I’ve always wanted a girly girl. [me] was never girly, but [my sister] is.†(its not that I wasn’t girly, its just that she dressed me up in really ugly clothes that weren’t girly, and wouldn’t let me ask for dolls for my birthday). If my mum has a party with our family/family friends, then she will make me wait upstairs but tidy up afterwards. I get on really well with my family when she’s not there, but if they try and talk to me while she’s in the room she will come over and start talking to them, completely ignoring me. The only member of our family who I don’t get along with is my mum’s mum, who is the sort of person who thinks that their views are always right and therefore feel they need to bully people into agreeing with them, and also that the world should revolve around them. My mum doesn’t get along with her either, and always talks behind her back, but will always take her side over mine, just to see my reaction.
She also gives my brother and sister allowances, but not me – and I’m the one who has to pay for transport to school every day. Sometimes she refuses to let me eat the food she’s cooked, instead she feeds it to the dog saying that I’m ‘using her’. It’s not really a problem, because there are shops right by our house, but still she doesn’t treat my brother or sister like this. She won’t buy me clothes, give me an allowance or let me get a job because she says I need to concentrate on school work. Another thing, is that she won’t let my friends come over the house, but will let my brother’s/sister’s friends over. My friends literally mean the world to me, but she always says horrible things about them (“slutâ€Â, “weirdoâ€Â, “miserable b****â€Â). I really can’t stand it when she does.
Now, we are going on holiday for 2 weeks. She made it clear that she didn’t want me to come, and I didn’t really think I could stand it, so I said I wouldn’t mind not going. She said okay. But then she booked me a place anyway, and called me ‘ungrateful’ when I asked her why (not in a nasty way, just asking why she’d changed her mind). I do want to go on holiday, but we’re staying in a caravan, so we’ll be stuck in a very confined space. Last time we went on holiday, we had an argument (over my dad) and she took my key to the room, so I had to sit outside the room all night. For the next few days, she completely ignored me and warned me not to come anywhere near her, but not to stay in the room either, so I basically just wandered round the city on my own lol (which was quite fun, to be fair). So far, I’ve had the usual – brother and sister allowed to bring a suitcase, I’m not. Caravan only has 2 beds, so I’ll sleep on the floor e.t.c. e.t.c.
I’ve told her all of this, but she laughed at me and it got worse. She thinks that we’re one big happy family, and refuses to listen to anything that goes against that. I guess I still blame her for the divorce, but do you think she has to take some of the blame, especially because of the way she’s been acting since then?
OK so again sorry about the really really long question, but hopefully someone read it all. She’s driving me insane, and I can tell that the same thing is going to happen this holiday. How should I act to avoid arguments? Should I say anything to her? I was thinking of moving out as soon as possible once I turn 18 (hopefully I’ll be in college anyway), and I can’t see the situation getting better before then. Should I try and get her to like me, or just give up? How should I act towards her when I’m an adult? Thanks so much in advance!
-milly x
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