Please Please read.. any pointers?

Question

Isn’t it annoying

When you can’t have a life

And what you do have is spent

Saying “You can’t do this right”.

You don’t fit, don’t belong

Your just one extra piece

But it’s the wrong type of puzzle

It’s already complete.

And the lid has been sealed

It’s got tape on every side

So being stuck in the wrong box?

That’s one h**l of a ride.

You can’t break the tab

You can’t lift off the roof

You’re caught in the wrong family

But you’d crumble with two.

And there is a way to stop it

A painkiller to make you sane

But overdose on any drug

And you’ll never be the same.

So you’re back to square one

Thrown in where you began

Boxes packed, stacked and stored

By one un-forgiving hand.

You could be anywhere in this pile

And where you will land

Depends on how many finished puzzles

Lie above in the plan.

So it’s typical you see

To be thrown on the floor

To be buried under families

Who count freedom as norm.

Maybe one box miscounted

Maybe one never thought

Their puzzle isn’t complete

Their puzzle’s just one piece short

And their missing companion

Is hidden away

Under stack-loads of storage

No light in their day.

But again their too blind

To re-write the last scene

If they did they would find

Their missing puzzle piece, was me.

Answer 1

Its a good idea,but it would be better if it was shorter.

Answer 2

You don't need any pointers! That was great! Splendid and PERFECT!!!!!!!! I wish I could write like you. If you wrote books I bet you would win the writing Mulberry Award or that's what I think it is called.But it was brilliant!

Answer 3

Other than the fact that it could stand to be cleaned up, this was a good poem. The imagery was very powerful. Just my opinion, but might you substitute "you" for "I"?

"I don't fit, I don't belong..."

"I'm back to square one..."

"I could be anywhere in this pile..."

I also would change "their" for "your".

"Your puzzle isn't complete..."

"...you're too blind to see..."

With those two changes made, it sounds more like you - the author - making a plea directly to readers to check inside their boxes to see if any one of them might have the box the spare puzzle piece is missing from. Not just a random piece about some hypothetical third-person who turns out to be you in the end. I think the message would be stronger if you take a stand from the very beginning a say, "This is my life. This is how miserable it's been for me."

Answer 4

very interesting analogy

You will be fine if you keep growing in your writing.

You have the gift of putting it together

Re read it a few times and you will see where it needs work and you will fix it and make it perfect.

Enjoy your writing and keep your poems for when you are older it is fun to go back through the work we did when we were young and see how far we have come.

Answer 5

I love it! Awesome job!!

♥

Answer 6

I'm a hyper-critical bee itch when it comes to poetry but that's not at all bad. Too long, needs editing, falls apart at the end,  but I like the imagery. Work on it.