Please Tell Me What You Think Of My Poem "Gerbil"?

Question

"Gerbil"

For a year I’d been trapped in my cage,

All alone, not a friend or an enemy near;

Only Them, Those who kept me, and watched me, and fed me.

I’d die in that cage, it was clear.

As I ran in my wheel and I dreamt

Of the world; something real, something new, something clean…

I could see all the trees, I could feel the warm breeze

But I knew I was far from such green.

But at last I grew sick of that style of life

I should eat what I find in the grass, not a bowl,

I should drink from a pond, and be free just to wander.

If only I knew how it feels to be whole.

So when He came to feed me, I jumped on His arm

And I leapt from the drag of my world.

In a frenzy, I ran through the room and escaped

Just one breath of true life, then the images swirled.

When I woke, I was back on the bed of my cage

And I wondered if life is a dream.

Even now as I scratch at the glass with my paws

I remember the small piece of world that I’ve seen.

And I know that I’ll try to the day that I die

To escape and be free once again.

In that second I lived and I lived, If I’d died

I would not have known life till the end.

Answer 1

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That was wonderful? Has a 'loved one' died recently?

if so, it is sweet that you right poems about it! Brava!

Answer 2

w0w';;; iTS AMAZZING;; IT JUST D0ESNT G0 F0R A [ANiMAL] GERBiL iT CAN G0 F0R HUMANS T00;;....!!

************ = AMAZiNG

Answer 3

I like creative writing too so I'm going to be honest. The swirled images is unclear although your imagery is very strong. I like the poem, at least, I want to like it but it's very cheesey and the theme is nothing new or shocking. I like your writing technique thoough. You really should try writing something else. I think that your character is a bit too tragic; he is dead before he leaves the cage and that could be something beautiful but it is lost in the clichés and the melodrama of his plight.

I hope you realise I'm only being honest to help you! Keep going, you are very talented!!

Answer 4

i like it, yes.

not to take away from the meaning, but why did the gerbil pass out?

Answer 5

That's really good! But the ending is actually kinda confusing...what happened to the gerbil? And why do the images swirl?

Answer 6

Thats a good poem! Yeah i got the part that he passed away at the images swirled, but i think you can use a little more detail because i had to read it a few times to sink in the meaning! Besides that, its really good!!

GOOODD LUCKKKK!!!!!!!!! Hope my advice helped in any way!