Please be honest what do you think of this poem?

Question

The ocean is kissing her youngsters goodnight

Whispering through the inlets and rivers and streams.

She is tucking her youngsters in bed

Enveloping with thin blue sheets the ivory grain beaches.

She is cradling her babies in foam-tipped arms,

Sleeping birds and sleeping boats and drifters.

She is singing lullabies to her babies

Through the shadowed depths and hidden abysses.

She is weeping for her sunken lodgers

Boats whose bellies have more than grazed her sandy lap.

She is still for her calling guests

New ships whose hulks will fly across her lengths.

The ocean is looking for her caller

The moon awakened from slumber and radiant with energy

To shine on her with watery gold

That she may introduce her children to the day.

I also need help with the title. If you have suggestions on what I should change, please state HOW to change it.

Answer 1

This is so well written with picturesque metaphors and innuendos.  My hat is tipped in your honor, thank you for a great read!

Answer 2

This is a lovely, evocative piece. No ideas for a title. The one suggestion I would make is to move this into present tense. It might add to the immediacy of the poem.

(i.e., The ocean kisses rather than kissing and so on).

Outside of that though, I have no real suggestions. It's a solid poem.

Answer 3

What a refreshing look at the ocean - the mother of all creation. You have given her a pleasing personification - well done ♥

Answer 4

I will not give you a title... I will only give you ideas on possible directions...

Cradle of the Sea

Ship Tossed Lullaby

Sea Foam Phantoms

As far as the poem goes I can personally find nothing to change... I am not the best poet but I do know beauty when I see it... this is full of such grasping words and lovely images... this flows off the page and into my minds eye more smoothly then many others I have read of late... You use such unique imagery, things I have not seen used before. That is the mark of a great poet. It also reads like you have place a huge part of your heart and soul within the words of this... I usually do not make it a point to read long poems here... most of the time I have very little time to spend. But the first few lines grabbed me and pulled me in, not letting me go... I am glad I found this. It has brightened my day, I am being honest not flattering... if you are flattered then it is a side-affect...

Thank you very much for sharing this...

Blessed Be in Love and Light, Siren

Answer 5

WOW!! THAT IS SOOO GOOD!!!i have no complaints except for you say youngsters a little too much in the first verse, but i can live it! AWESOME JOB!!!

Answer 6

I think this is a wonderful poem in form and concept.  The imagery is both imaginative and beautiful.  I honestly have no suggestions to make- I think it is perfect as it stands.  It flows elegantly.  Thank you.

Answer 7

This is a beautiful poem. The only thing I would change is to take out so many "and" and use comma's instead. Example 1st stanza:whispering through inlets, rivers, and streams

2nd stanza: sleeping birds, sleeping boats and drifters

3rd stanza is fine

4th stanza: the moon awakened from slumber,radiant with energy

flows better without so many "and's". I would probably call it

"Nighttime On The Beach" or "The Ocean's Lullaby"

I am a published poet and I know a great poem when I see one. This one is beautiful, but if I had written it I would not have used so many and's. Keep writing, I look foreward to reading your next poem.

Answer 8

It's really beautiful!

How about Ocean Mother?