Please can you read my short story and help me improve?

Question

for english homework we are ment to create a short story based on the peom 'funeral blues'. here is the poem:

Stop ll the clocks, cut off the telephone,

prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

silence the pianos with a muffled drum,

bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead,

scribbling on the skiy the message He is dead

put crepe bows around the white necks of public doves,

let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

he was my nother, my south, my east and west,

my working week and my sunday rest,

my moon, my mid night, my talk, my song;

i thought that love would last forever: i was wrong.

the stars are not wanted now; put out everyone,

pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

for nothing now can come to any good.

(sorry if theres any spelling mistakes)

any way, this is my short story

i havnt done the last paragraph which i am going to base on the last verse, because i cant think of what to write.

so please help (:

Silence lurked in the atmosphere like an unwanted smell. It was almost as if time stood still the morning that the residents found out that He was dead. Conversation stopped. No sound came from the village - his death seemed to have affected everyone and everything. The deep bark of a local dog, faded in to a light whimper. Even the aeroplane seemed to grieve as it moaned up above, looking down at small groups of silent mourners slowly making their way to the graveside. On their way they passed the friendly, old police man, who greeted them as usual with a nod, but that still sadly had lost its usual cheery manner.

The coffin gradually made its way out, and was eventually surrounded by all his friends and family, who where trying to keep in mind the memories they treasure of him. A low voice echoed around the crowed space. Explaining her aching heart, ‘He was my North, my South, my East and West’ she clarified. He was her everything. But he was gone.

we're asked to keep the mood of the poem, have i kept it?

thank you for your time and help (:

Answer 1

Ohhh, that's one of my favourite poems! :-)

I really like the piece you wrote, it has a lot of atmosphere and it really contained the essence of the poem while being new and different. You've done a fantastic job on it.

A few tiny things to maybe change - in the second sentence you have a capital letter for "he" which you should perhaps make lower case, as in the last line it's written with a lower case H. I think policeman should be all one word like policemen is in the poem too.

In the sentence starting "the coffin gradually" you accidentally put "where" instead of "were" and typed "crowed" instead of "crowded in the line after that.

I really don't mean to be critical though, I loved the short story and I just want to stop you being marked down for things that you might be able to avoid! ;-)  

Answer 2

Yes. You have kept the mood of the poem But, It is a creative writing type exercise. This is what I love. The mood of the story is not the same as keeping the same story line. In other words, try to write your own story that is similar but not the same.

This poem is very passionate. It is about someone who lost someone close. Who had their world as they know it taken away from them. They feel as though nothing in life is worth living anymore.  

So try to think or imagine something that you love or someone, being taken away from you. And no matter what you do or say will ever bring them back. And write about that.

If I had to do a story about this poem. I would write this:

Today, it was cold and windy and a strange light is in the sky. Like when it has rained for days and the sun is trying to sneak out from behind the clouds. I decided to take a walk to my favorite spot. The creek down the way behind the old abandoned winery. The winery where me and my brother Jimmy play all day and most of the night on days when we are not in school. My mother said I can go but just for a little bit. She is not feeling good, she said, her back hurts again from the baby. She is pregnant and going to have a baby soon.

I was by myself today, I usually have my brother with me. He had left with my father into town the other day. Well, that’s why I am by myself, you see, I don’t know how to say this but he never came back. He is gone, they say. Not another word they say. They had a funeral and I was there and all. But they never let me see him. I know he was somewhere where we went. I know,  I could feel him I could smell the bubble gum from the bubble gum cards I gave him. I could swear I heard his voice. He was at the hospital. I went there with my mother. I told my mother, but she said it was not him and I must of heard someone else.

They all went in to the room, the grownups. They left me sitting outside by myself. They said it would be just a little while, but it was a long time, they never let me see my brother. I thought to myself, “ oh man, jimmy must have hurt himself bad”, like the time when we were at the creek and swinging on the tree swing and the branch broke off. It was so funny. My brother fell and skid his legs and arm and it was bleeding.

I remember I ran over to him and I was laughing and  I stopped when I saw the blood. I tried to ask him if he was hurting real bad and he did not say anything. He was holding his side and trying to say something. You see, his wind was knocked out of him and he could not speak until a minute or so. I took my brother home and then I came back and tied the rope on the tree extra strong so it would not break off anymore.

My mother says that my new baby brother will be named jimmy. I do not know why she wants to name two boys named jimmy. All I know is that I have to fix the swing by the creek. I have to fix it good and tight like my father did. I do it everyday about this same time when I get done with school and around 12 noon on the weekends. If it is tight and fixed, I know, I just know, no one will get hurt, not ever again.

Answer 3

Very good!

Your story did keep the mood of the poem.