Please comment/evaluate my story- im 13 and want to be an author PLEASE READ!!?

Question

Music blasted through Willow’s ears, she had her new iPod on full blast, just like per usual. She was sat on her bed, supposed to be packing. She looked at the list her dad had given her; it had all the things she needed to pack. She nearly fell of her bed when it said “sleeping bag, bug repellent, emergency numbers list I have devised for you” why on earth would she need all these things- she was only going to a little hotel in Scarborough! She was pretty sure that she knew the emergency numbers- perhaps it was a surprise camping trip? Well, if it was she would of “come down with something” an hour beforehand. God, she hated camping.

She got everything she needed, placed it into three neat piles and put one pile into a little rucksack. The other pile she put in a travel bag for the car, and the other she was still adding to. She had to go to the local pharmacy to get some travel sickness tablets (which she didn’t have a clue why she needed, Scarborough was about half an hour away and she never got travel sick) and bug repellent. She had to go up into her dusty loft to get the mosquito net. She had to go to the library and get a book on “deadly plants, fish and insects in the Panama.” By the end of the day-, when she had got everything for the third pile- she was exhausted.

It was nine at night, her parents told her to get an early night as they would be leaving early in the morning to go to the doctors. Why were they being so secretive? When Willow asked her parents about her queries to where they were really going they replied with “Chicken, don’t be so inquisitive! Of course we’re going to Scarborough” Still, that didn’t explain anything- it just heightened her feelings. She tried to stop thinking about it and told herself not everything had to be conspiracy. She finally fell asleep.

“Wake up, chicken” her mum whispered, nudging her. Willow groaned and put her head under the duvet. “Come on, its holiday time” oh for god’s sake- as if she was excited about a weekend away at Scarborough! “Come on sweetie, I insist!” Her mums tone was getting agitated and she started tugging at Willow’s covers. She eventually sat up, rubbing her eyes. She glanced at her alarm clock and was alarmed herself when she noticed it was half past three! She was highly confused at that moment , because her parents said that she needed to wake up for the doctors- but none of the local GP’s were open at this time! She walked into her en-suite and splashed her face with water to wake her up, she then ran downstairs because her mum was calling her for breakfast.

She looked at the porridge like gunk that lied in front of her unappetisingly. Very strange. They never had healthy breakfasts in their house. Her mum was rushing around the kitchen and her dad was piling all of the food from the fridge into the bin. Wouldn’t it keep for one weekend?

“Mum? Why is there porridge, can’t I have cornflakes or something?” She had so many other questions- but her parents looked in rush so she didn’t want to annoy them.

“No, we need our energy! Eat it, oh and chicken...urm, pack the bananas in the spare bag please.” She pointed to the breakfast bar and rushed off to the car. Willow grabbed the bananas and shoved them into the bag on the breakfast bar.

Her dad rushed out just as her mum rushed back in. “Grab your bags, were going in two minutes- thank you chicken for packing the bananas”

Willow rushed upstairs, got her bags, scraped all of the porridge into the bin and ran into the car. She was sat in the back (by herself) and both her parents sat in the front- her mum with a map and her dad, driving.

“You know the way to the doc’s don’t you sweetie?” Her mum said to her dad and gave him a cheeky kiss on the forehead.

“Yeah. Hull nightly clinic.”

What?! Hull was two and a half hours away! Now Willow knew something was weird. Still, she didn’t question it; her parents looked pretty busy- they were both concentrating on the road. Instead she just looked at the lowering moon and thought to herself. She wished her dad had let her bring her iPod! But he said “no technology for this weekend.”

She nodded off.

When she woke up the sun was cracking through the night and everything was visible outside. She didn’t know where they were at all. There were huge dirty buildings everywhere and she could see the sea!

“Mum, where are we?” she asked drowsily

“Hull darling, were nearly there”

“But were not anywhere near Scarborough!” She was getting quite annoyed that her parents wouldn’t tell her anything.

“No, I know that!” she giggled “Were going to Hull’s clinic, then were going on our holiday”

They pulled up to a small hospital-like building and walked together into it. They waited in the lobby for a while. Nobody else was there, and it stunk of cleaning products and antiseptic. Willow hated the smell of sterile places; it always reminded her of dentists and needles. Urgh she hated needles!

The LED plate lit up with the words “Smith” a

Answer 1

She nearly fell of her bed when it said  why on earth would she need all these things- she was only going to a little hotel in Scarborough!

The exclamation makes it very obvious she's not and a bit melodramatic. Try toning it down a bit:

Willow failed to understand why she'd need “sleeping bag, bug repellent and emergency numbers list I have devised for you” as her Dad's list said. Scarborough wasn't that bad.

Answer 2

It's good, but I think it needs some filling and I agree with the "she" thing. Also, it was quite obvious early on that Scarborough was NOT the place they were going to. Maybe try to make it a little more subtle?

Good start though, I'd like to know what happens - oh and try to write it so it sounds less like an english assignment  -maybe in 1st person? The sentences are quite non-descriptive, so try to fill them out a bit. Constructive critisicm is the key :)  Thanks for letting us read it :) x

Answer 3

If you're going to begin every sentence with the word "She" or use it constantly, then your story is going to sound like you are listing off everything the character is doing.

"SHE was sat on her bed, supposed to be packing. SHE looked at the list her dad had given her; it had all the things SHE needed to pack. SHE nearly fell of her bed when it said “sleeping bag, bug repellent, emergency numbers list I have devised for you” why on earth would SHE need all these things- SHE was only going to a little hotel in Scarborough! SHE was pretty sure that SHE knew the emergency numbers- perhaps it was a surprise camping trip? Well, if it was SHE would of “come down with something” an hour beforehand. God, she hated camping."

Try to mix it up a little; not every sentence needs words like She.

Something like this:

"Willow sat on her bed, looking at the list of things she needed to  pack and, with a grim expression, the empty suitcase beside her.  Willow had nearly fallen off the bed when she saw some of the items on the list.  Why on Earth would she need bug spray, a sleeping bag and emergency numbers?  Her family was only headed to a little hotel in Scarborough!  Perhaps it was a surprise camping trip, Willow wondered to herself.  Irritated at the silly idea her parents had no doubt thought up, Willow resolved to "come down with something" before the trip began.  God, camping was revolting!"

You're off to a good start, but there is room for improvement.  

By the way, I'm curious; why were they going to a clinic?  Is her Mum pregnant?

Answer 4

     I think it's very good.  I agree with the gentleman about the 'she's!'.  Considering you're only 13, it's an excellent effort.  Try reading it into a tape recorder and playing it back.  You can often pick up mistakes that way.  Note them down and then re-write it.  Re-writes are a major part of a writer's life, I'm afraid.  We all have to do them.  One thing I particularly like is that you've packed lots of suspense into the story.  The reader wants to carry on reading to see what happens.  Well done.

Good luck

Mike B.

Answer 5

stories are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS better when their written in first person! (if their written like a diary, like in Twilight, more people will read it!!)

Answer 6

I think this story would be WAY better written in the first person point of view. Then it would sound pretty good. Also your sentences are too short and choppy.

A better way would be like: Willow bobbed her head to every beat of the music that so loudly blasted into her ears. She sat on her bed beside her completely empty suitcase that she meant to be packing. Remembering this she quickly snatched the list off of her drawer her father had handed her nearly two hours ago and studied it.

  --And that wasnt even that good but like i said, the story would sound way better in the first person point of view--