Question:

Please comment on my poem=]?

by  |  earlier

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Watch her from the shadows,

Her beauty was poison to you,

Her innocence could destroy you in a single touch.

But you still wanted to be near her,

Even if you could only protect from afar,

Even if you could only hate and mock and taunt.

Her smiles had drawn you in,

Her gentle eyes, wide with purity,

Had seen beyond your act.

Has it fallen yet?

It may have begun as a dark game too you,

A cruel sport of leisure.

But suddenly her face in pain doesn’t seem so amusing,

Now does it?

How does it feel to know that her tears fell for you.

Ironic, no?

Considering the image of her empty,

Once made you laugh with glee.

Unforgivable, has it fallen yet?

You once wished for her to break,

But now, your heart does not have enough,

To fix her.

…

Has it fallen yet?

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16 ANSWERS


  1. it's really good


  2. A title would of helped me, but it looks good.. :) don't give up

  3. heathcliff! its kathy its kathy come home!!!!

  4. It's cliché after cliché after cliché.

    I am actually cringing at some parts of it

    And this part

        'Her beauty was poison to you,

         Her innocence could destroy you in a single touch'

        sounds like a dodgy Mills and Boon novel.

    Really bad, dont give up the day job, sorry to be harsh but i am only telling the truth.!

  5. I liked it wasn't sure at first who was the victim here, the more I read it the more I liked it and its intrigue and the message being sent by your poem!! Good job , well done!! Cheers!!

  6. i  dont get the part about has it fallen yet but i like the rest

  7. Um, no I don't think it's very good.  The imagery is quite cliched, and it doesn't have any rhythm or structure to it.  Sorry to be hard, but that is my opinion.

  8. That is bloody brilliant. I love it. You really have a rare talent, wow!

  9. Good shot. You seem to be trying to see whether he regrets having jilted her. Trying to rub it in, eh ? Telling him how heartless and cruel he has been, how he broke her heart. Asking him whether he has what it takes to mend her broken heart. Keep it up.

  10. Wow...ok,um...I think your poem has a really good idea!  I think that if you tinkered around with your wording a little bit more it would sound really good!  Good Luck!

  11. it doesn't rhyme does it

    awful doesnt do it justice

  12. uhhm. i suggest why dont u revise it and turn it into a song. ur poem is good but i think that it's too long. ^_^

  13. its very nice, really deep!

    good work :)

  14. Absolutely amazing for only two minutes!

    You have alot of potential.

    The imagery and vocabulary of this was very thought provoking. You made me think that is a feat inside itself.

    This really is a beautiful poem!

  15. ow wow! amazing! xx

  16. Hi i thinks its very good ,keep at it its good to have something your good at ,the best of luck

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