Please comment on this unfinished sonnet. thank you.?

Question

Sonnet VII

When death, like a lurking shadow does strike

And pluck you like a withered flower’s corpse

You wail, your agonizing cries alike

The burning sighs of wood in fire, so hoarse

What urges you to deny God’s summon?

Who planted you, amid his golden field

And watered you with life, as his servant shone

To ripen you with golden deeds en-filled

(...)

Answer 1

How about "and why do you deny GODs summon? Perhaps that would make it flow more smoothly?

It is a great start with very deep conviction.

Answer 2

You think Nature is some Disney movie? Nature is a

killer. Nature is a l****h. It's feeding time out

there 24 hours a day, every step that you take is

a gamble with death. If it isn't getting hit with

lightning today, it's an earthquake tomorrow or

some deer tick carrying Lime disease. Either way,

you're ending up on the wrong end of the food

chain.  

Answer 3

I think you are off to a great start.  However, as I read it out loud I got tongue tied on the line "What urges you to deny God's summon?"  It doesn't seem to fit the meter and puts a hiccup in the flow.  I tried to read it again, and the same thing happened.  Other than that...sounds great.  Oh, there is an extra syllable in the next to last line.

Answer 4

Till summer's wind frees memory from soil

Answer 5

When death doth like a lurking shadow strike

On withered blooms to take at last their corpse

And Man and flower yet protest alike

.........................................

Then why does one deny the clarion call?

Where from were all seeds sown in this grand field,

What tender gard'ner watched your deeds unknown

.........................................

Your imagery is bright and energetic and has a vital intensity that I do not wish to interfere with but at the same time I would like to encourage you to work towards a more semantically connected conclusion, one that reflects the logic of your sonnet-in-progress. Also, try to tighten up the meter.  All in all, a promising beginning.