Please criticize this poem i wrote?

Question

My attempt at a poem. Please be as critical as you want, my feelings wont be hurt to bad lol.

We’re not always who we want to be

One out of many in a crowd of hypocrisy

Told what’s right and shown what’s wrong

Following footsteps but where’ve we gone?

Only to be lead away by thoughts dismissing

That nothing in our lives is missing.

Sick of blind and aimless walking

And tired of voices who are talking

About the life that we should have

And the burden we carry down our path

My voice is dead from constant screaming

My brain is tired from constant dreaming

The lyrics written cease to be true

When the songs we sing reach so few

Failure to think is no excuse.

If life stands still than what’s the use?

Tomorrow is nothing but today

With a different set and different play.

We’re the ones who seek the truth

While others follow in no need of proof.

To be lead away at fates demand

Means life ended before it began.

Far we’ve looked but little we’ve sought;

The greatest pleasures cannot be bought.

But what we seek we cannot take

So blind and deaf we fail to make

The only choice in our lives:

Do we live of do we die.

Answer 1

Spend some time reciting your poem, out loud.  Listen for the rhythmic patterns.  You have several phrases that tie well together, but many don't.

Consider re-writing the first stanza.  It's clumsy and unnecessarily wordy.  Dropping "always" from the first line gives it a metric feel, and makes the sentiment more declamatory

Sick of blind and aimless walking

And tired of voices who are talking

If you cut "And" from the second couplet, you'll have a consistent long-short (Iambic?) meter.

Failure to think is no excuse.

If life stands still than what’s the use?

Same thing here:  Change the 2 syllable "Failure" to a one syllable synonym like "Not", and delete "If" in the second couplet and substitute "so" for "than".  (Or, if you have to have the conditional, correct the spelling to "then" instead of "than").

That's a snippet.  Go through the poem, and see if you can say the same things with fewer words, and with a consistent rhythmic feel.  

Lastly, your premise is fine, but I think you can probably dig a little deeper and say something from the heart.  This feels like a "head" poem, if you get my meaning.

Answer 2

Why would I want to critcize it, dude?

It's awesome!

I love the theme and the rhymes and all....

If this is your first poem then God, why have you been keeping us from your talents?

I mean it and I WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING IF I DIDN'T LIKE IT!

Answer 3

i'm not going to critique punctuation, just the words.  i especially like the part,  "Tomorrow is nothing but today

                with a different set and a different play."

I really like your work, because the meaning of it is not out in the open and noticeable right away.  it will make your readers think harder about the meaning, and they will find more in doing so than you may have even ever meant to convey.  all in all, a very inspiring piece.

i would be happy to hear and critique (if you really want me to critique it) any of your other pieces.  i also dabble in poetry, and i find your work very creative and interesting.  feel free to e-mail me at any point if you'd like to show me more.

Answer 4

Life:

Life is with good

and it can hit us

Its about living

and accepting

ourselves as human

and not trying to be perfect.

Life is about making decisions

some wise choices

others the choices made

can come with consequences.

Your poem pretty well says most what I am saying.

If a person wants something they have to earn it for example.

I like that last line do we live or die.

However only you can choose how to live your life.    

Answer 5

It needs more punctuation. Visually it's fine, and I'm sure it reads well with the rhyming coupling, so it's the only thing you should definitely change. Everything else is a matter of opinion. :)