Please critique my poem?

Question

the crack-snap-boom

rapid-fire pace

of everyday

zoom-whoosh in the car

on your way to

nowhere

everywhere

hop out

march to your spot

rap-tap-tap

of highheels

and loafers

with an almighty purpose

to stomp and clomp

on those

who walk with

the slish-wish

of old sneakers

no one taking of their shoes

and quietly

pad-pad-pading

slowly through a glorious day!

ratings out of 10, comments, criticsms... whatever you want to do,

Answer 1

I liked it.  7+

Answer 2

wtf is it about

Answer 3

Good use of anomatopoeia! "Slish-swish"

"zoom-whoosh" Just I think you should title it. Unless you dont want to but titles are very important in poetry. Titles give poems direction and are a good nexus for which to bring about more ideas.

Answer 4

8

it's good

but I don't really like the use of 'glorious', sorry, I don't know why but it doesnt seem to fit

GREAT onomatapeoia (lol i really cant spell it either)

Answer 5

Interesting - I'd give it a 7.5. I might change the 'glorious day' to 'drudgery of yet another day' or something. The words before don't seem to lead to a glorious conclusion.

That said, I like it.

Answer 6

Few wasted words, good aural and visual imagery. I don't rate poems, but like it very much.

Answer 7

Yep....this is very good....the visual is transfered immediately into the aural.  You have pared down the words to the minimum and this presents  crisp, snappy images until...

'no one taking off their shoes/and quietly/pad-pad-padding/

slowly through a glorious day' where the words slow down your reading, to echo the slowing down of the message.

A very clever idea to use shoes to represent different types of people.

Well done.  8/10 - lost points for a couple of spelling errors.

(I'm hard like that)

Answer 8

Sounds like a day at the mall - listening to the sounds of all the footsteps.  Great audio quality - you have distinguished the various sounds for different types of soles (souls). Great picture of "soles talking". Well done. ♥

Answer 9

I can really hear this poem - great stuff matey 9 from me for style pace rhythm and execution. yeah!