Please critique my poem.

Question

Title: The Path

As a candle can glow,

in the darkest of caves,

you can surley stand brilliant

in the most wretched of days.

You shouldn’t despair,

when life may seem unfair,

just look toward happiness,

and soon you’ll be there.

However,

there is but one common mistake,

and that is the hardship,

of deciding which path to take.

One took left,

One took right,

and one ended up ,

in a horrible plight.

So,

dear friend,

it is up to you,

the path you will take,

the life, you will choose.

Answer 1

Nice job!  I really enjoyed your poem!  

okay i have some pointers...you don't have to listen to them because i think your poems pretty great so far..just minor issues.  

the first stanza seems a little off to me.  Like it lacks..flow?  try to mess around with the word play a bit.  For instance, your stanza goes:

As a candle can glow,

in the darkest of caves,

you can surely stand brilliant

in the most wretched of days.

I would change it to something like:

As a candle can shine

Through the darkest depths of a cave

You can stand brilliant

even through the most of wretched days.

Okay im not sure if my stanza was better than the origional  but something just tells me that a poet like you can work with this stanza to make it a lot better than it already is.  

i really loved the second stanza

in the third stanza..I dont really understand.  Your saying that its a mistake when someone has to choose which path to take?  It could be a mistake...but its not considered one until they choose the worng path.  

fourth stanza was my favorite!  great job with that one.  It makes sense and it has such great flow.

In the last stanza...the last two lines "the path you will take,

the life, you will choose."  sort of confuse me.  Do you mean ...the path you will take will become the life you choose.  Or do u mean the path you will take and the life you will choose?  It just stuck out a bit for me...i don't know if it was intentional to give readers flexible interpretations or if you would like to revise it to make it more clear.  

great job with your poem overall!  Hope I helped =]

Answer 2

I definitely like the idea of the poem. The poem itself doesn't quite... reach me, though. I had to re-read it to fully grasp what you were trying to get across. The last stanza is very nice.

The first stanza might need some work. The spelling (surely, not surley), and it seems not... quite flowing with the rest of the poem. You also want the first stanza to really grasp the reader, to draw them in.

Good luck, hope I helped!

Answer 3

i liked it!!

honestly i did..made me think though

hey im a freshmen too!! :]

Answer 4

Sshit is a constructive critisism for plants! so assuming you are a plant? your poem is sshit!

Answer 5

Okay,,, I read this 4 times before I finally decided what it was that had me reading it so many times,,, usually it is just once or twice, rarely thrice,,, four may be a record so far.

The first two stanzas have nothing to do with the last three so far as I can see.  The first two BOTH relate to happier times,,, bright light in darkness and happiness after despair.  

Then last three deal with which path will you choose,,, but you have not offered a comparison of a good and a bad pathway, other than a quick reference to a horrible plight.  Yes, we should choose the better of two or more,,, but what's the incentive to do so ?  How horrible is that horrible plight ?  

Actually, the way you worded the 4th stanza, it would seem as if left and right are okay, but there is another that is wrong.  That was achieved just by adding the word "and", if you had used the word "thus" then it would be clear there are only two pathways, and one is wrong.

  

Answer 6

That is an interesting poem your wrote

its about making decisions

in life

Some decisions are right

and good

Some are not

so they are bad

but the mistakes

are the experience in life.

When there is discouragement

don't give up