Please critique the 1st chapter of a book I'm writing?

Question

Anything is appreciated. This is the first draft of the preface & 1st chapter of a novel I'm writing called, "Clarity."

Here's a link: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=16305.msg211420#msg211420

Thank you!

Answer 1

Hi Musicbaby,

I usually don't do writing reviews, but I noticed that no one had commented on your piece and I didn't think that was fair...

I'm going to be honest, though.  I see a lot of people sugarcoat their reviews on this forum, either because they want the 10 points or they're 11 years old and they have no idea what good writing looks like.  But sugarcoating a review has never done a hopeful author any good.  Right?

I think you have talent as a writer.  Your mastery of language is good, and most importantly, I got the impression that you had something to say.  Your protagonist is clearly a deep thinker, and she represents a young adult's mental wanderlust and emotional ethos quite well.

That being said, you need to balance her musings - the internal world of Kyrie - with the action and the physical world around her.  Too much time spent in Kyrie's deep thoughts and your readers will lose traction and get lost.  You need to first ground your readers in your world with activity and dialog before you throw a lot of philosophical musings at them.

I like the idea of "the game," and the mystery that surrounds it.  That's probably your best hook - and it may be enough to get readers to the second chapter.

As for your style, it is typical of a young adult book written by a young adult:  it's over the top.  It's a lot of exquisite pain and desperate emotion and "staring into emerald-ringed pupils."  When Charles Dickens wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," he didn't mean it had to be that way in every line.  Toren doesn't have to "burn" her with questions - he can just ask them.  Words don't have to "drip like fire from her mouth" - they can be "vehement" if you like, or just cruel.  Pull back - leave something to the reader's imagination.  If you tone it down, you'll add years of maturity to your writing.

Another thing that separates seasoned writers from novices is the use of the adjective: new writers tend to use far too many of them.  You've shown more restraint here than many young authors I've seen, but there are still far too many.  You will do your piece a great favor if you chop out about half the adjectives in your book.  Sound drastic?  Pick up something by Hemingway and count the adjectives.  In an entire book he uses as many as you have used in your first chapter.

Your spelling, grammar and verb tense need some cleaning up as well, but those are easy fixes when the time is right.

I told you I wouldn't sugarcoat, but please keep the 'constructive criticism' in perspective - I focused on the aspects that could be improved, because the rest of it is good.  Overall, you're a good writer.  Continue to hone and simplify your style and I look forward to reading your book when it hits the shelves. :)