Please educate me on this...what is the problem with adoption?

Question

My DH and I are considering adoption. I came on this particular board to read and get insight. I am in the researching stages at this point but I noticed that many have negative feelings towards adoption. I am wondering what the deal is. What makes adoption such a negative thing? I suppose my thoughts at this point are a bit simplistic. If a mother chooses to give her child to a pair of adoptive parents, why is that bad? I am very curious to get input. I would hate to adopt if I felt I was hurting the child in the long run. Thank you.

Answer 1

I think adoption is a great humanitarian thing to do while helping yourself be a parent.  There are so many children that are put in this world every single day and do not have parents because they were given up for adoption.  Its sad to think that there are so many out there that would denied this blessings into their lives.

Answer 2

Nope, adoption is actually a good deed.  The negative part there is when you reach the point where you have to tell the child the truth.  Some take it negatively.  And I personally think that it's only natural to feel that way because I think knowing the you were "unwanted" and given for adoption would naturally somehow upset anybody.  It's not that the adoptive parents have done anything wrong or the adoption itself was a mistake.  It's just a personal feeling that you'd wish you were with your original "birthparents" and the need to know why a mother/parent would give up their own flesh and blood for adoption.  But if you decided to adopt, go for it!  God bless you!

Answer 3

I don't think it is a negative thing. My cousin has an adopted little boy and is finally a mother. He is happy and being taken care of better than he would have been if he hadn't been adopted.

Answer 4

How can it be wrong?

Picture this:

A child who can't be cared for by its birth parents for whatever reason.

A couple who can't have children desperately want a child to love support and embrace.

****

In my opinion its a truely nobel act by both the birth parents and adoptive parents.

Go for it & Be Happy !

Answer 5

I don't feel it's negative at all. I'm adopted and so are my two siblings. *each from different families and all as infants* I don't feel that I was given up..I know that I was chosen ! Chosen..by my "natural" parents, to live a better life than what they could give me. Chosen..by my parents to be loved and to be able to live that life. Chosing to love a child..naturally yours or not...is NOT a bad thing. I don't know how people could call adoption a bad thing. If their experiences are & were bad..it's heartbreaking and very sad, and I really do feel sad for those who have had such a terrible time. However, I feel (personally) that it's not the whole adoption..just personality clashes. In life & families, you will have personality clashes and hard times..."naturally" or adopted. Love is a wonderful gift you can share with anyone, especially children. So if you are able and willing to share your love with a child...then do so. Some mothers, maybe just can't give the child what they feel they deserve or need...to give up a child for adoption to another person...sometimes takes more love and courage than you would think. I say that, because I have a child of my own & think about my "natural" mother and how much she must have loved me to be able to give me to another woman to live a life she had envisioned for me.

It's very sad when someone feels it necessary to bash adoption, when ..at it's core.. is supposed to be about the giving and recieving of love.

Good luck to you...do not give up on your research and your goal of adopting.

Answer 6

Adoption itself is a good thing, it's the process that is draining.  You have to be very careful and make sure that the lawyers do not leave any loopholes.  Also, as an adoptee I can tell you that it's never an easy road for the kids.  We appreciate it and love our adoptive families, but we do have a sense of abandonment.  The kids will be fine with some therapy of some kind and talk with them about their birth families.

Answer 7

Adoption is a wonderful thing when done legally and thoughtfully.

Answer 8

Well being that I was on the giving end of the adoption I know there is nothing wrong with it!  I had a little boy and I gave him up, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but that time in my life it was the best for me and I know it was the best thing I could have ever done for him.  Financially I was not ready, I was young, uneducated at the time and I would have totally damaged his life.  

Now I am in touch with a 8 year old boy, my son, who knows who I am and understands why I did what I did.  He tells me I was brave to do what I did and I thank God over and over to have had the courage to do so!  I just want to say that it is a blessing to see what the foster parents did and are still doing for my son.  He is a big part of my life but I am still his mother but in a small way.  I am a nurse now, military career and very successful but looking back now I have no regrets.  He is getting the best education, he lives in a grand home and is loved.  He has the best of both worlds.  

If you can open your heart and home to a child and make them your own you are nothing less than a blessing to that child.  It is a great thing to consider and I really hope you don't let the c**p you read on here deter you from your thoughts of adopting.

Good Luck and May God Bless!

Answer 9

Sealed records and discrimination against adoptees.

The way infant adoption is practised in the USA, a largely unregulated multi-billion dollar business where babies are the commodity

Answer 10

I hesitate to try to answer this question.  A number of good answers have already been given, and I have been feeling misunderstood of late.  But you have asked an important question, and you deserve as many good answers as you can get.

I hate beginning with this, but I feel I must here...  I love my adoptive parents.  They are good people who did as best as they could by me.  I did not have what I consider a bad adoption experience.

What I have wanted to try to explain here is that adoption is, of necessity, preceded by loss.  The child is separated from his or her original mother (and father).  That loss must be acknowledged by all members of the triad and society as a whole, in order to understand the adoption experience.  

It might lead to a better situation for the adoptee (if the original parents were neglectful or abusive), but that doesn't change the fact that relinquishment (required for adoption) is loss.

How this loss manifests in the child varies.  But one thing is clear, many adoptees report abandonment issues, feelings of isolation and not fitting in, and so on.  Some adoptees report not being affected by this at all.  (I just asked & resolved a question about why there are these differences, and there seems to be no agreement here as to the answer, so I won't offer an opinion.)

Personally, I think it is really good that you are researching and trying to learn what you can.  I don't think a thoughtful and caring adoptive parent is responsible for the hurt that the adoptee experiences (if, in fact, he or she experiences hurt).  I think it may be adoption itself.  None of which is to say that adoption isn't sometimes necessary for the welfare of the child.  But the child may not understand the necessity.  It's possible, even in those cases, or perhaps especially in those cases, that a child may feel it.  

I don't know if this is helpful, but I do think there are a lot of good people on here who will give you a lot of good information if you are willing to hear it.  

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Answer 11

I think alot of the negative feelings regarding adoption stem from the stories that make it into the media - they tend to be the more sensational stories about when adoptions go wrong, or when birth parents change their minds and want the kids back, or when the adoptive parents aren't screened carefully and mistreat the kids that they adopt or foster.  I also think that alot of the negativity stems from "closed" adoptions, and adoption being a bit taboo to talk about.  The new way to adopt, with the correct legal help and having open adoptions with the exchange of information and talking to adopted children starting at a very young age will take the taboo out of adoption, and the secrecy behind it, and that will make things better.  With a little bit of research on-line and doing some reading, you will definitely get a better perspective on things.  You have to do a home study to adopt, and there's a questionaire that you have to fill out even before that can happen.  The questions really ask you to look at your personal reasons for adoption and really search your true feelings on the subject before you get too far into the process, so that might be another tool you can use to sort out your feelings.  Good Luck!

Answer 12

There are already great answers here about the reforms that need to take place in the U.S. adoption industry.  What you are noticing are adopted people angry about many of the laws and practices of adoption in the U.S.  It's not about adoption in and of itself, or about our families.

Like some of the other posters said, stick around, read and get to hear about adoption from those who live it first hand -- the first parents, adoptive parents and the adopted people, themselves.

Answer 13

No child suffers by having too many people loving him.  Adoption is a wonderful thing and a difficult thing.  How could you possibly hurt the child in the long run?  Their other option is foster care or group home.

Answer 14

What more can I add? Robin nailed it!

I'm not angry at my a-parents, ok well maybe a little angry with my mom but more because she up and died than for having adopted me... anyhow, like robin said poke around some of the answered, unanswered and in voting questions. There is heaps to be learned here if you keep an open mind and can manage to stay sane through all the bs.

Answer 15

Robin absolutely touched on the dark side of adoption (which I, myself, am just now learning about).  Some things can be added, though.  No matter how old a child is when s/he is separated from his/her biological mother, there WILL be trauma.  Many people believe that a child separated at birth won't suffer any attachment issues, and certainly won't develop an attachment disorder (and btw, if you know nothing about attachment disorder, please spend a few months researching this before going any further).  The truth is that separation from the mother is traumatic, period.  Even children separated at birth, who do not develop any attachment issues, still have issues related to abandonment, or at the very least, questions about "why wasn't I good enough?", or other equally tough questions.  Adoption is traumatic, for all involved, period.  In fact...this is not well known, apparently, but children are affected by what happens to their mother while they are still in the womb.  Any trauma their mother goes through, they go through.

That doesn't mean I'm against adoption.  My husband and I are currently in the process of adopting from the state of Oregon (i.e. special needs...i.e. foster children).  I just want to be REALLY well informed so that I can help my kids as they grow.  I want to know what they're facing.  It's a lifelong ordeal, to say the least.  If you're up for it, go for it.  Just make sure you have no illusions.  Every person involved with adoption will suffer.  If the suffering is worth it...if the result is a healthy, happy family, and that couldn't have been accomplished otherwise...then I wish you luck.

Edit:  Phil explained this far more eloquently than I could have.  Since I'm not an adoptee myself, I say stick with Phil's answer here!  :-)

Answer 16

Hi,

If you just entered this forum, it can seem negative. It's hard to answer your question in a line or two. You might want to review some of the past questions & answers to get a more complete picture of the complexities surrounding adoption.  

The 'negative feelings' here are primarily about the unethical practices that many agencies use to 'get' babies for prospective adoptive parents (PAP).  A couple items: using coercion to get an expectant mom to relinquish, arranging an "open" adoption, then renigging on the agreement soon after the adoption is finalized, not being 'entirely honest' with either the PAP's or the expectant mom, playing on the PAP's desperation for a child, and much more.  

Adult adoptees want access to our own original birth records, like any other citizen.  Most states seal original birth & adoption records. It takes an act of congress, or doing what seems just slightly 'illegal' to search for & find our first families.  If you aren't comfortable acknowledging that your child is biologically connected to another family, you might want to reconsider.

A few mothers do choose adoption.  Many are pushed to relinquish because they aren't married, or have few resources, or are young.  Adoption is a permanent solution for what is often a temporary situation.  

Also, many adoptees in this forum were adopted in what was called "the baby swoop era".  Read excerpts of "The Girls Who Went Away".

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Awa...

I support adoption of so-called 'older' children in foster care. Some are as young as 6 mos. to 1 year or 2.  These children have been taken from neglectful or abusive parents. They deserve loving parents, a stable home & a family.  I also support adoption when mothers truly do choose it for their child.  

If you are open to learning the down side to adoption as well as the positives, you will be much more prepared to be a good parent.  Also read "Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Good luck! And thanks for caring~

Answer 17

nothing is wrong with adoption. Obviously the people who say that are able to have children of there own and don't want to help children who don't have families. It's ridiculous.

Answer 18

I have an adopted son. He was born in Russia. Most Russian children in orphanages are not adopted by other Russians. They are cared for by the state, and then tossed into the streets at 18 with a poor education, no skills, no support.

   I think my son will do much better than that, here. And our family is certainly better for having him.

   I am in favor of adoption.

Answer 19

There is nothing wrong about that. It's really nice when people adopt children who really need a mom and a dad.

Answer 20

"ROBIN D" said it perfectly.

I stumbled upon this site quite by accident. As a "first mom" or "natural mom" (not BM, biological, or birthmother), I was literally in a state of shock. I have kept the loss of my daughter to myself for so long, that I wept for MONTHS when I realized that I could have contact with other women like myself. We are like the g**s of yesterday. We're everywhere and yet, we don't know anyone personally because what has happened to us is so horrific AND LEGAL that it is too horrible to ..... gee, I'm at a loss... I started, but I can't finish. I am still in alot of pain. It's very hard to tell someone who doesn't know about the lies that are told ..... stick around. At first it can make you angry to hear people say the things they do, regardless of what part of the "triad" (adoptive parent / PAP, first / natural mother, or adoptee) you are. With time, you will get an education and understand what it is all about. If you are considering adoption, you need to learn. This is the first time in all of history, that you will hear the honest (well, not everyone... some make up stories, but you'll learn that as well) thoughts and feelings that have never been put out in public. No one had a forum. Everyone was afraid to tell their story. Adoption has been "whitewashed" by a billion dollar industry and now it is being challanged and the myths dispelled. The lies are being exposed. The hurts are real and they come from every angle of the triad. The US handles adoption differently then many other countries. You will learn that also. There is a better way to handle adoption. It's all about change. That's why we are here. To tell it like it is and to help others from perpetuating the same mistakes.

Thanks for asking.

"Fasten your seatbelt, it's going to be a long and bumpy ride.".... or something to that effect.

EDIT:

There were some posters who said things that just enraged me. They absolutely didn't get what was being said. I found that if I emailed them and started up a friendly, personal discussion, I was able to understand them much better and vice versa. It's been an amazing journey. I think everyone here has the best of intentions, just misunderstood.

Answer 21

Why am I not happy that my mother was not emotionally and financially supported so that she could raise me?!

Why am I not happy that I grew up with a family I have nothing in common with, don't look like, and felt like an outsider in?!

Why am I not happy that the state of Maryland will not give me records that pertain to the first few months of my life?!

Why am I not happy that my father was never told of my existence and was never given a chance to raise me?!

Why am I not happy that when I finally searched for and found my family I was 3 months to late in meeting my grandmother who died?!

Why am I not happy that the state charged me $500 to give me scraps of information pertaining to my life and then wanted to charge me another $500 to call my mother?!

Why am I not happy that I was separated from my natural god-given biological blood relatives, grandparents, aunts, uncles, 14 cousins, brother, sister, etc.?!

Why am I not happy that I had to pretend to be my adoptive parents real child?!

I can't imagine being happy about any of those things - I'd have to be emotionless to find happiness in all that loss.

Answer 22

Wow, Gaia, what a beautiful answer.  I agree completely with everything you said, you really seem to understand the adoptees plight.

Answer 23

I personally dont think anything is wrong with adoption....dont let others tell you otherwise...its a decision you both have to make..and one not made lightly...if the biological parent cannot or does not want child....then there is nothing wrong in giving this child a good home/upbringing. Better than being a ward of the state or going from foster home to foster home.

Answer 24

Others have written great answers for you.  The thing I don't agree with personally is that if records were open, and women weren’t coerced, everything about adoption would be dandy.   I respectfully disagree.

The separation from my mother, my entire clan, and no knowledge of my history was awful for me as a child.  It's really akin to going through life wearing a blindfold, or taking a trip where everyone has a map but you.

I also felt, as many other adoptees do, that I had to do a lot of pretending, which as a child amounts to having a part-time job.  It’s emotionally exhausting.  The adoptee and author Betty Jean Lifton does a great job of explaining these phenomena here:

"In Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, I described how the closed adoption system forces everyone in the adoption triangle to live a double life. In order to survive psychologically, the adoptee has to live "as if" born to the adoptive parents.

I came to see this mechanism of doubling that everyone did as a form of dissociation. When you dissociate, you split off the part of the self that is too painful to deal with. For the adopted child, this means splitting off the grief and loss and the need to know one's heritage. When years later the dissociation wears off, and adoptees go in search of the original mother to learn the circumstances of their birth and relinquishment, all of those once split off emotions are released. The unresolved grief and anger can be overwhelming.

Understanding the survival mechanism of dissociation helped answer the question that I and so many adoptees had once we woke up from what I call the Great Sleep. How had we so passively accepted that we were not to know the mother and father who gave us life, and to learn the circumstances of our birth and relinquishment?"

ANY of her books would be good to read, in addition to The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

Another good article that I feel that captures a lot, of a truly overwhelming topic is this:

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

If you feel you can adopt a child, and acknowledge that that child HAS other parents, family, (in addition to the family s/he will get to know by joining yours), and that they have their own history, and traits that are unique to them, (and may be very different from yours), you are in a better place to consider adopting.

  If you feel threatened by anything I've said here, you need to do much more research to see if adoption is indeed for you.  I believe prospective adoptive parents who struggle with these concepts do not make good parents for adopted children, who before joining your family, have already lost so much.

Good Luck.

Answer 25

When I first came on here a little while ago- I could not understand it either- and frankly I still don't, however, I have come to the conclusion that not every adoption experience was as positive as mine and for that I am very sad. However let it not waiver you from adopting if you feel led too.  I am an adult adoptee who also has 2 adopted children that are now 15 and 19.  Let me ask you this, without offending those who have had bad experiences-  what would happen to that child if no one adopted them?  Either the birth mom would decide to abort or the child would wind up in a foster home, maybe until she/he is 18. How could that be good for the child?  If you feel like you want to adopt, go through with it- and just love that child with all your heart.

Answer 26

I dont think that there is anything wrong with adoption at all........but again, thats just how I feel.

I understand that in th USA there is alot of black market **** going on and dirty money involved in adopting kids. In the UK it is NOT like that at all.

Its very  uncommon to here that adoptees are abused or tret bad by the adoptive parents here in the UK. The social services go through the adoptive parents like a fine tooth comb before letting them adopt at all. Everything is done to ensure the child will have a stable environment. There is no black market in adoption over here.

I guess the only thing bad about adoption, is if you come from america and were adopted by illegal means, which is very wrong.

Also th lack of info adoptees have about where they are from etc in the USA is also a factor.

Answer 27

If you lost your mother due to cancer, or heart disease, or a car accident, or any number of natural (or unnatural) circumstances, people would be understanding of your loss, right?

But if you lost your mother because she gave you up for adoption, people would expect you to be grateful for it.

It doesn't make sense, and you are not allowed to grieve or have feelings for the mother you lost through adoption.

As an adoptee, you still suffered a loss, but it's not recognized by society as a whole.  You are instead told to get over it, be grateful you weren't aborted, etc. etc.

No matter how good and loving your adoptive home is, you still always have that loss in your heart.  

THIS is one problem with adoption for the adoptee.

Answer 28

wow...

anything i can add will only be as an adjunct to the wonderful responses already given.  

adoption traditionally has been about providing parentless children homes.  these children usually being foster kids who were removed due to abuse or neglect; or children whose parents were unable to provide for them.

what adoption has morphed into (and where many take pause) is a multi-billion dollar industry, premised on infant adoption from poor and unmarried women so that those with more resources (and usually infertility) can parent.  adoption purports that certain parents are "more suitable" (eg. married, middle-class, older, financially stable) than others (eg. unmarried, younger, financially less affluent). this belief has been perpetuated over generations when adoption was viewed as "punishment to women who had unprotected s*x, out of wedlock." unfortunately, many of the current practices today, still have subtle elements of that dogma.

the issues with this practice are multi-faceted; hence create the fault-line that you might have seen when you entered this board. since most focused on the adoptee perspective, i'll add some information regarding birthmothers.

-issue #1- most adoptive parents want infants.  hence, in order to have infants, that means you have to have pregnant women relinquish their babies.  yet, far few mothers are relinquinshing their babies; and other factors (contraception, legalized abortion) reduce the number of babies available for adoption. hence, there is an increased effort to get more babies which many equate to marketing merchandise.

-issue #2-pregnant women (those who are ambivalent) are usually subjected to a tremendous amount of pressure to relinquish. many (myself included) are told that "a two-parent family is better for your baby". "giving up your child will allow a young pregnant woman move on with her life", "adoption is an alternative to abortion", et al...

-issue #3-- many "crisis pregnancy centers" or "abortion alternative centers" are actually adoption agencies or feeder agencies into adoption agencies. many find these labels misleading as they generally only offer adoption as an option.

-issue #4--changing one's mind is viewed more negatively than a first mother's loss thorugh adoption.

-issue #5--historically, first mothers had little choice to parent, yet had their babies taken away. and many of these women suffered tremendous guilt and pain over having lost their children.

-issue #6--there is extreme racism in adoption practices. black women or women who might have "bi-racial" babies are sometimes turned away from agencies and sent to foster care, due to fears of STDs, drug use, they don't "match well", et al. among those who have the right pedigree (college educated, from a good family); yet are ambivelant  experience tremendous pressure to relinquish if a black couple is waiting.  also, minority children are frequently considered "special needs" or "hard to place"; hence are usually available at "discounted rates."

-issue #7--the advent of "open adoption", "pre-birth matching", "aparents in the delivery room"  is subtly coercive; especially if the pregnant woman is ambivalent.

-issue # 8--many unfairly label first mothers as "drug-addicted, whores"; when prior to relinquishment they were considered "goddesses who are so strong and brave."

i can go on and on...

so you see, adoption is a twisted tangle of emotion, loss, profit and racism cloaked nicely as a "loving choice."  many, who speak up now, were silenced for years by a system that benefited from marginalizing pregnant women who relinquished (first mothers) and adoptees.