Please give me feedback!!! i need help

Question

I am longing to have you by my side every night. The memories we shared together are an absence in my mind. The sense of my loneliness is powerful and i wish to be with you some day. I know the journey will be venturous but my desire to have you here is stronger than my fear. The burdenesome pain that flickers is a never ending notion. Only if i find you and we reunite will i ever be whole. I am like a leaf in the fall who will be taken by the wind to a place I've never been and i hope to see your face once again, I will unlock my heart and let the pain finally be free.

What do you think this poem is for an ap class its based on the book enriques journey i dont know if it sounds corny or not so what do you think any feed back tips?

Answer 1

i see some poetic sense here, but uh it looks more like a paragraph, you might wanna space it out. of course if your going full out freestyle i guess... that's ok?

you definately have misused some words, i agree with ricky... "absence" really isn't the best word to use there.

metaphor, simile ... i think you tried to use alliteration but "are an absence" doesn't work that well because "are... an" aren't great words to try to fit into fig. lang.

btw. i dunno if you had rhymes cuz it's all cramped up.

Answer 2

OK, I'm going with a guy's point of view here, & hesitate to proceed due to an advance knowledge & understanding that we don't think alike.  But I'll try anyway.

The memories are an absence?  That means they're not there.  I'd go with: The memories are forever embossed in my memory with indelible ink.  My depth of loneliness is painful, & will only be relieved when we are together once again.  

I'm not getting the venturous journey > who is undertaking it & for what purpose?  

Let me know if you want me to continue, or if you've read enough.