Please give sum advice on this poem

Question

I turn my head from all this hate

That the world seems to have made fate

For me to have to endure

Never knowing what’s in store

For my tomorrow

All I know is it will be sorrow

If I turn on the news

I know I’ll get the blues

And I’m sure that when I drive to a friend’s

There’s a car crash round the bend

It seems like I should just stay in my house

But then I’m going to hear my neighbor beating his spouse

Nowhere is there an escape

From this assault, possession and rape

Cause when you’re from the same streets as me

It’s like all you can see

Is this everlasting pain

That emasculates my brain

And that pain has become a cloud

That has created a shroud

From my dissolution of right and wrong

But on my streets that makes you strong

But as a person this makes me weaker

And it makes my soul bleaker

Cause with every gunshot

Every time I sell pot

Even when I sing my song

I can only long

For times long, long ago

Back when consciousness would flow

Down these red, red veins

From when mercy seemed immovable in my membrane

Now even in my dreams

I see gats gleam

I see people dead

My glock pressed to another black man’s head

And this has made me get caught

I figured that if I fought

If I sold

A better future would unfold

But instead I find myself lost

Without realizing the cost

That these crimes would take upon me

Now I realize that I am not free

Because I see that I have left behind

My once glorious righteous mind

A great man once said

That if you emancipate your head

You can be free

And that to me

Sounds like the way to be

So I’m going to strive

To survive

This inevitably hard, hard life

And I’m going to search within this strife

For my own liberation

From this desperate situation

Answer 1

honestly, i thought that poem was weak. just because ur poem is long and rhymes doesnt make it good. the only part that i thought had actual feeling was "Nowhere is there an escape, From this assault, possession and rape" other than that i just thought it was too boring and long. i got some poems that i think have feeling. if u wanna hear them or something just email me. anybody can hear them if they want

Answer 2

I love it. You're really writing how you feel. Even though it's sad, its the truth. It describes what you, and so many others, are going through.

I love the description and honesty!

I also applaud the ending. "For my own liberation, from this desperate situation" was a wonderful statement. I would love to hear more of your work.

Answer 3

Its not enough to have your poem rhyme, the rhythm and flow is much more important. its alright though, just stick with it

Answer 4

wow. ok, that was really emo.

but it was good, i guess.

do you need advice on the poem or your life?

maybe you should move to a different neighborhood or something

Answer 5

Advice? I don't think you need constructive feed back on your writing.  If this piece is your true life experience, you have had a long, hard struggle, and no one can write it, feel it, and/or explain it but you. You did an excellent job.

Writing is a relief, a putting down of feelings, past and present. Your relief starts with the line ...A great man once said...  And yes, you do have to emancipate yourself from all the hurt to... strive to survive.

The reader wants to see growth or some sort of awaking. In your work, I do feel emanacipation coming your way.

Take Care and keep writing.

Answer 6

tahst really long.

it sounds more like a song, honestly.

Answer 7

Edit! Edit! and Edit again! Try cutting it down to the four most important words.  Is there a line that you could see as a refrain you'd like to return to between stanzas?  Get out of your own head and realize that at some point your reader is going to have to want to own your poem.  What do you have that you think they'll want?  Don't replay the last TV show you saw.

Answer 8

There are some parts where the thought does not flow. I copied from above and notated next to some verses. Also have to watch where you break the stanzas it suggests a different group of thoughts. I cannot do that for you, as the original artist, it's an important way of conveying what you'd like to say. The grouping tells the audience HOW you'd like us to think.

Here I Go ----> What I'd would change has * next to them.

I turn my head from all this hate

That the world seems to have made fate

*For me to endure

Never knowing what’s in store

*As for my tomorrow

*All I just know it will be sorrow

Should I turn on the news

I know I’ll get the blues

And I’m sure that when I drive to a friend’s

*There’s a car crash round the bends (won't change the meaning too much and due to friend's)

*Seems like I should just stay in my house

*But I would hear my neighbor beating the spouse

Nowhere can I escape (since the poem is somewhat centered on our protaganist using "I" would fit better)

From this assault, possession and rape

Cause when you’re from the same streets as me

It’s like all you can see

Is this everlasting pain

*That emasculates my brain (Use a different word. Emasculate deals with manhood not brain)

*All that pain has become a cloud

*It has created a shroud

*Over my dissolution of right and wrong(shrouds go "over" things or "Covered" would work too)

But on my streets that makes you strong

*As a person this shroud(need to explain what) makes me weaker

*Also makes my soul bleaker

*With every gunshot (the "because" doesn't reference to anything)

Every time I sell pot

Even when I sing my song

I can only long

For times long, long ago

Back when consciousness would flow

Down these red, red veins

*From when mercy seemed immovable in my being

Now even in my dreams

*I see gats gleam (what are you saying here?)

--maybe I see guts gleam? if so I'd use blood and guts--

I see people dead

*With my Glock pressed to some black man’s head (another seems too relational, using some would help with this stanza's theme)

****This following stanza doesn't make much sense****

And this has made me get caught

I figured that if I fought

If I sold

A better future would unfold

(What made you get caught, fought what? sold what? What does it have to do with your dream? You also need to then connect to the next stanza)

But instead I find myself lost

Without realizing the cost

*These crimes would take from me

Now I realize that I am not free

Then I see that I have left behind

My once glorious righteous mind

A great man once said

*if you emancipate your head

*You would be free

*That to me

Sounds like the way to be

So I’m going to strive

To survive

This inevitably hard, hard life

And I’m going to search within this strife

For my own liberation

From this desperate situation

That would be my first revision, choose what you like, toss what you don't. It seems like that you wanted to throw some "ghetto speak" in there. If that's what you want to do, do it, just make it uniform though out the poem. Nice work though, and if you change it a bit, it might even make a great rap song.

Answer 9

This poem was amazing but really emotional. It's sad :/

You should try and get out of there,where you live. Try to move.