Please grade this SAT essay on a scale of 1 to 6 and give suggestions for improvement.?

Question

Prompt: should people make more of an effort to keep things private? our culture has become so open and confessional. plan and write an essay based on blah...........blaha............blah.......

My essay:::::;

I believe that people have a duty ot themselves to keep their business private. This is because I believe that discretion in the less desirable aspects of one's life is intertwined with the dignity of the said person. I will proceed to illustrate with examples of how the rampant indiscretion of society is harmful.

First of all, let's take the example of pop culture today. It has become the modus operandi for movie stars and socialites to let the populus know every detail of their lives, whether presentable or sordid. This has taken is toll on the young people for the worse today in that it is now acceptable to experiment with drugs, alcohol and sexual promiscuity because it's what they see on Tv everyday. This to them is "the real world". Th esad thing is that the blame cannot be apportioned to them. The blame should be levelled mainly at the socialites and celebrities who refuse to shield their more prurient escapades from the whole world.

In addition, I remember when I was fifteen and got into a fight over something so trivial it escapes me now. The friend I hahappened to get in the fight with was feeling a little bit sick and I got the upper hand, as fate smiled upon me. I won the fight and it got to my head a little bit. In my infinite lack of wisdom, I wrote about the fight in my numerous social networking sites and of course, the episode became legend. Well, for a week. Very soo, fate caught up with me and my friend, not happy about being embarassed, hit me with my own medicine and even managed to get photos of himself iving me a good spanking. Teachers found out of course, and so did my parents. O course, i ended up in way more trouble than it was worth.

In conclusion, as I have spelled out, whenever we decide to air outr dirty laundry publicly, the ensuing debacle is not always worth it. Human dignity is not possible without at least the slightest discretion.

Answer 1

Here's what you did right:

First, the most common characteristic of high-scoring essays is their length and your essay is 348 words.

Second, you separated your examples into paragraphs.  This is also a trait of high-scoring essays according to the research.

Third, you followed directions by providing a clear answer to the prompt and stated your position very clearly.  You must always have an answer that is a clear "yes" or "no" and you did that.

To make this essay better:

Use scholarly examples in your essays.  Graders like to see that you've used knowledge from your classes in your essay.  With a topic like this it's easiest to think of present-day examples.  However, examples from literature and history would work here as well.

Including one more example in your essay would make is stronger as well.  It turns out that having a third example can help your score more than adding a conclusion.  It's also possible to have a one sentence conclusion if you are running out of time.

Finally, as you practice you'll be able to write more.  Getting closer to 400 words will help your score.

This essay would likely score from a 3-4.  If a 4 it would be mostly due to the essays length.  Adding more scholarly examples would make the score higher.

Answer 2

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I believe that people have a duty to  both themselves and others to guard the details of their private lives. This is because I believe that discretion in airing the less desirable aspects of one's life is intertwined one’s dignity. ( if you are going to start with the word one’s then don’t switch to a wordier construction because the reader will think either you are pompous or you are trying to impress) I will illustrate with examples of how the rampant indiscretions of certain spot lighted  members of society provides  harmful standards of behavior for all of us

First of all, let's take the example of pop culture today. It has become the modus operandi for movie stars and socialites to let the populus know every detail of their lives, whether presentable or sordid. This has taken its  toll ( a toll is always for the worse  so to say so is wordy and redundant)on the young people  today because it is now acceptable for them to experiment with drugs, alcohol and sexual promiscuity because it's what they see on TV everyday. This to them is "the real world". The sad thing is that the blame cannot be apportioned just  to the gullible youth. The responsibility for this sad state of affairs must be laid mainly on the socialites and celebrities who refuse to shield their more prurient escapades from the whole world; that is to live their private lives less publicly, please!!!

On a more personal note, I remember when I was fifteen and got into a fight with a friend  over something so trivial that I’ve totally forgotten by now.   He feeling a little bit sick and weak so I gained the upper hand  by winning the fight.  The victory swelled my head a little bit. In my infinite lack of wisdom, I wrote about the fight in my numerous social networking sites and, of course, the episode became legend for all of a week. However, my friend, unhappy about being embarrassed, decided to give me a dose of my own medicine. He made good his revenge by managing  to get photos of himself giving me a good thrashing which he in turn circulated

around the neighborhood. Teachers found out, of course, and so did my parents. The result was that I paid for my arrogance by finding myself in way more trouble than it was worth.

In conclusion, as I have spelled out, whenever we decide to air our dirty laundry publicly or act impulsively the results to ourselves and to others is not always worth it. Human dignity is not possible without discrimination, thought and foresight as to the consequences of indulging our lowest impulses heedlessly.

Answer 3

Nice attempt for the most part... but I'm going to be a little harsh on you so that you can really improve a lot.  Read my tips, THEN see the score I give you. Here they are:

First, here's what you did well

* you stated your position very clearly in the beginning - THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

* you gave two examples, one about pop culture and one personal example, to back your position

* your essay was 4 paragraphs long, which is pretty standard for a high-scoring essay

* you had an introduction that stated your point

* you had a conclusion that restated your point and added wisdom to it, although it would help if they were longer

* your introduction and conclusion stayed firmly on-topic, which is probably one of the most important things you can do

OK, so here's what you need to work on

* I see some grammar problems and bad sentences like "Well, for a week."  Try to avoid grammar mistakes and avoid anything that could present a grammar problem.  Study a grammar book or ask a teacher if you need help with this.

* INFORMAL VOICE! There are times to use it, and it can be more entertaining, but the SAT graders really hate it and probably won't take you seriously.   To them, you have no business wasting their time with entertainment when they want to grade more serious essays.  So stay away from an informal tone and language and keep it more professional and that should bump your score by at least a point.

* Spelling! (I'm guessing they were typos.) It's supposedly "not checked" but in truth it can really (at least subconsciously) impact your score, and can really make the difference between one score and the score below it (like a 3 to a 4, for example)

* You really need a longer to finish things off smoothly, although what you have is a pretty good start for a conclusion

* It looks like you went slightly off-topic with the examples. What really helps is that you finish off each example paragraph with a sentence that says why the example is on topic, even though it may seem a little redundant.  It really emphasizes your effort to stay on-topic.  For example, your pop culture example should state at the end that since the celebrities who don't shield their lives from the world, and thus encourage less-than-perfect behavior, the resulting problems would have been solved if they kept their "duty to themselves to keep their business private."  This really grounds your examples and keeps everything on-topic and polished, so it won't hurt you if you drift a little on topic in the middle of the paragraph.

And here are some things that will really raise your score:

* Better vocabulary - your words are mostly simple words.  Try adding some more higher-level words (anything from http://freevocabulary.com is a safe bet) BUT make sure you know how to use them! Ask for help from a teacher if you don't know how.  When in doubt, use a simple word to be safe, but a few good words used properly will make you sound smarter and more worthy of a higher score.

* Vary your sentence structure.  This is actually in the SAT grading guidelines - mix up simple, complex, and compound-complex sentences in your essay.  Your score can go up almost two points with this if you do it correctly.  Ask your teacher if you don't know what these are.

* Your examples are pretty good, and I personally liked the choice, but keep in mind that for some reason the people who get the highest score always seem to be those with one historical example and one from literature.  This is because you seem more knowledgeable and more well-rounded, which to them makes you deserve a better score.  Give it a try and see for yourself.  Of course pick what you can write about best, and during the test if all you can think of is a personal example then go for it.

* Be more specific in your example - your pop culture example was pretty general, and it would help if you were more specific.  For example, pick a celebrity who "refuse[s] to shield their more prurient escapades from the whole world" and be specific about why s/he deserves the "blame"

Overall (and keep in mind the harsh grading) I'd probably give you a 2 or 3, but I see HUGE potential for this same essay with the same examples to soar up to a 5 or 6 with just a few adjustments.  Keep working on it, and I'm sure you'll do well.  Good luck!