Please help, I am desperate, I got myself in a big mess.?

Question

So here it is. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, we are high school sweethearts and got married 3 years ago. We have no kids. About 2 years ago I fell in love with this amazing guy. He is everything my husband is not. He is funny and relaxed and makes me smile. He is also very family oriented, loving, and caring. At first I was ignoring my feelings for him, thought it was just friendship I feel, but then it happened. We made love and since then my life is going downhill with the speed of light. I am sure that I am in love with him, and not my husband. It took me 1 year, counseling on my own and couples therapy with my husband to figure this out. He doesn't know about the affair, just that I don't love him anymore. I can't possibly tell him about me loving someone else, he would get aggressive. When I start talking about my feelings he drives me into these 8 hour conversation, he is able to keep me up all night arguing. I just can't take it anymore. And when I feel like I am strong enough to walk out the door, he will tell me how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to loose me. Bottom line, I waited for too long, now I am a nervous wreck, hurting both my husband and my lover who wants to be with me. I am just not able to pull myself together, I can't have a normal conversation without crying my brains out and I feel like I am a rag doll being pulled back and forth. Please, give me some advice, I really don't know what to do.

Answer 1

you made the choice in the beginning to get married.. you made the choice to keep seeing the other guy and sleep with him.. you need to make the choice to tell your husband what is going on.. maybe you deserve him to be aggressive.. why should he not be? how would you feel if he "fell in love" with some one and was banging her? maybe you should tell him what happened.. let him go out and sleep with someone and see how you feel then?... I really don't agree with this childish behavior, but maybe you needed to think about his feelings a bit more.. not everything is easy in marriage.. there are times it is really hard.. you have to work through it and maintain self control...  

Answer 2

Sounds like you already know what you have to do.  Counseling cannot make you fall in love with your husband.  Maybe you honestly need some time to yourself and work out your feelings for both.  You may think your in love with this other person because he's giving you what your husband isn't.  Suggest a separation period from your husband to sort things out.  You have to be honest about all feelings you are having (even about the affair).  Take control of your life and your emotions and pull it together.  Stop depending on men to bring you happiness, learn how to find it for yourself.  Good luck!

Answer 3

Girl, get a divorce and be with the one that makes you happy.  Sounds simple I know, but do it!  The reason your a mess is because you need to work on you.  Get a divorce, not becasue you love this other guy, but because the guy you are with now is not for you.  Especially if you feel like he will get aggressive.  After you get way don't run into the arms of this other guy... let time heal and let time really show you who you want and what you need.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Get a divorce so your husband can go on and be happy with someone who actually cares about him.  It's obvious you have NO feelings for him otherwise you wouldn't have cheated on him.

Leave him and give him a chance at real happiness.  He doesn't deserve to be hurt by you!

Answer 6

Pick one that you want to be with . it is clear you want the other guy . so move on with him and stop hurting all of you cause that is what you are doing . the longer you hold on to your husband the longer you re gonna hurt him . it is clear you no longer have a relationship with him so move on . hate to see another divorce though and think twice before you remarry

Answer 7

That is rough.  I have been there.  I married my boyfriend from High School.  We were together 4years and I loved him like a friend only.  I didn't want to hurt him or his family.  It tore me apart I didn't want to be the one causing him SO much pain.  I met someone else who is now my husband.  But truly it is very very hard and it is going to hurt him and you.  He is not going to look at you and say okay honey leave be happy.  You have to just know it's for the best and LEAVE.  But the longer you prolong it the harder it gets.  It is only causing pain now to both of you.  The sooner you leave the sooner he can move on to healing and you can start living a happier, peaceful life.

  I wish you all the Luck.  Take a deep breath and make the decision to move forward...

Answer 8

this happened to me too.

well, kind of, not that extreme.

I was (well, still am) married. I wasn't happy with him but didn't really realize that it was making me depressed. I met my now boyfriend and was only hanging out with him for a while (he's my best friends best friend lol), then after a while, i slept with him. I realized that HE was making me happy and doing all the things my husband couldn't do for me.

We are getting divorced now.

Why don't you do the same?

Answer 9

So...what do you want us to help you with? You already made a choice to end your marriage when you cheated with another guy. So now you have to completely end your marriage and leave. You need to stop hurting your husband with you lies..just leave n he will find someone better.  

Answer 10

what u need to do is make sure this other guy is what u want!

Are u sure this other guy is not putting on an act?Would u be able to live with him?Does he work?Is he financially secure?Does he have any kids?Do u know if he is married for sure?Does he know how u feel about him?Are u positive he wants to be with u?Have u ever gotten into an argument with him?How did it turn out?

These are some of the questions u want to ask your self before u even think about going with this other guy?Do u think the reason of why u want to leave your husband is cause u have fallen in love with this other guy?Please make sure u want to leave your husband before u actually do it! I think u have feelings for this other guy! I think that's what is happening.I have been in your situation before and am sorta in it right now but we are just friends with benefits. I would never want to live with this guy though just a s*x buddy to me. And like i said i have been with my high school sweetheart to for 12 years so i know how u are feeling and the spark is gone and all that stuff.

What is the reason why u don't love your husband no more?

If u need to chat some time hit me up. My yahoo and IM are open. I understand what u are going threw and do not judge people on what they do!

Answer 11

Clearly you need to cut ties with one... You can't sleep around with both and not feel pulled! I mean, us women... we're emotional creatures. AND, I can bet you're still sleeping with your husband. Which tells me one of two things, either you want your cake and eat it too or you're a coward.

Neither man deserves this treatment. You are below a dog in my book... heck, the fleas look better than you do!  

Answer 12

No kids?  Stop the misery.  Not the ideal situation, but let hubby go so he can move on with life.

Answer 13

Sunshine!  You know!  If you keep on going to that other guy and keep on loving him, over and over and over again and again, mightiest will marry that other guy!  Like for example of myself.  If I have a mistress on the side, without my wife knowing.  If me and this mistress keep on seeing each other secretly and having hot s*x with each other, over and over, again and again and if this keeps on going for days, months, maybe years like this secretly, I mightest will marry that mistress, and eventually leave my wife.  I have several female friends!  Some divorced, some widowed, some single, some single mothers, etc,etc.   Till this day, I have not found anyone close to as nice as my very own wife!  I see many flaws, many problems in these other female friends! That I would think twice about divorcing! I see so many scary things in other females, as compare to my own wife. So its not greener on the other side for me at all!  Sad to say this! :o( My s*x life with my wife is NOT 100% perfect! But we still manage hot s*x daily!

Answer 14

As much as I hate to say it, your marriage is over.  You do not now nor will you probably ever again feel for your husband the way you used to.  You've essentially ended it without telling him.  I know he loves you and that this will hurt him but the longer you drag this out the more you will grow to hate him and the more he will hate you in the long run.  Lets face it the reason you spend so much time fighting is that you've left this marriage already.  He knows something is wrong and the fighting is just the result of not understanding what is going on.  You just need to do what needs to be done so both of you can move forward with your lives and hopefully find more happiness in the future.

Answer 15

You are done with your husband.  Don't feel bad for divorcing him, feel bad for dragging this out any longer. You know you're in love with someone else and have already disrespected your marriage.  Be glad you've found love and don't let it go.

Answer 16

You should leave your husband. There is no point in staying together out of pity for him. Go and be happy and give him a chance to start his life over. Things happen, you fell in love, don't punish yourself anymore. But you should tell your husband the truth. Everybody deserves to know the truth.

Answer 17

YOU created the problem by cheating, mistake one!

now you have to deal. So tell him,  and pack your bags and move out, period, end of story, ..go move in with your "lover", and hope you're "wonderful lover" doesnt do to you, what you did to your husband. And your husband can go find a more deserving and faithful mate.

Answer 18

Well.....you fu**ed up your marriage and now you may as well get out of it and say goodbye to him and move on to the other and don't look back.

Just don't do the same to the new guy.

Answer 19

You have two and only two avenues. Stay and work things out and forget about the lover or leave the husband and go with the lover.

There are no other viable alternatives in sight. Period.

Answer 20

Just leave and get a divorce, its over anyway. Then you can go get your groove on.  

Answer 21

Leave them both and be alone for a while. It sounds like you need to mature before you make a serious commitment again.  

Answer 22

Honestly , your mistake was getting married to someone right after high school. you should've explored a little more , just for the fact that no one really knows who they are at that age. if you dont love your husband anymore , get a divorce hunny , its not fair to him. he has to live life too just like you. and you know on your part it'll be a lil easier becos you already found someone to replace him.