Please help... I'm feeling really suicidal... again

Question

ok.

i am 14 years old.

i have been cutting myself for the past 2 years and have attempted suicid about 10 times, in several different ways.

i have been in hospital for suicide and self harm reasons probably atleast 5 times and reffered to 7 councilers and 3 mental health centers.

my mother father and grandparents from moms side suffer from depression, alcaholism and thyroid conditions.

yet no councilers, doctors or hospitals have come to the conclusion that i need medication.

i have stopped my counceling for now.

because i have had about 5 months from extreme depression, i got a bf but he was extremely melodramatic and unstable, we lasted about a month.

and then i caught up with a friend who i hadnt spoken to in ages... he lives in america and is even more suicidal and depressed than me, with drug and alcahol addicted parenmts who abused him... his mother even shot him.

anyway, we kind of fell in love and we are going out... he is coming to Australia in a year... but at the moment i am SO confused...

half the time he makes me more worried and sad/angry than happy.

then there is my friend over here who i like (i am bisexual, i have been my whole life... about the only thing im not confused about) anyway, i kind of like her... and we have kissed, and i like hold her around the waist and kiss her cheek, etc. at school and she is cool with it, but she says she is completely straight although i think she might be bi-curious...

so i kind of want to try asking her out...

anyway... back to my current bf, he wont be on the com for 2 - 4 weeks because his mom kicked him out of home... and right before he told me that he told me that theres like 3 girls at his school who like him and have told him so... im so scared he is going to cheat on me.

i have no family other than my weirded out mother...

my father is completely... well, thats another 4 paragraphs of story so we will leave that... so i am completely alone where family comes in.

my best friend and exx gf, the only true friend i have, she knows EVERYTHING about me and understands me like noone else... well my mom bans me from seeing her.

then the rest of my friends i never see or they are just fake friends...

i have started cutting again (i stopped for 5 months) but not badly, just mainly on my shoulder and hip... only slightly on my wrist and hands sometimes... because i dont want my mom completely freaking out.

and i tend to be taking panadol and other pain killers just to make myself feel sleepy and okay, it temporarily subsides some pain...

alot of the time i feel so sad and inside of me feels like im crying (if that makes sense) but no tears are actualy coming.

over the past week or so i have had trouble sleeping, either being really tired or not being able to sleep at all.

i am still eating pretty ok, except at school. i hardly eat anything.

and i am feeling sick alot.

please any advice? anything?

and please dont just go on about the cutting... i have tried to stop, and unless you have gome through the same thing then you really dont know (im not trying to sound melodramatic but its true) cutting is an addiciction just like any other. i am trying.

Answer 1

Being a teen is hard and it sounds like you also have a hard life to deal with too.  I know at 14 we feel like we want and need a boyfriend / girlfriend but in your case I would hold off on any relationship.  You need a good true friend to help you thru this. Right now a relationship will only make things worse for you with having to worry about what the other one is doing or what there thinking. You need someone to talk to about what your going thru if not one close by seek out on on line.  Join in a chat about cutting and maybe they can help you.   Your right it is an addiction But it can also be helped.  Either your not getting the right help or your just not wanting help.   Think of others that you will hurt if you try suicide again. It hasn't worked in the past and I would say that you don't want to die you just need help and someone to talk to.  You need to vent all your stress.   Your depressed and you do need medication for that.  You have 3 more years before your 17 and you can move out.  Look forward to that.

Answer 2

Hi,  It sounds like your best bet is to take one problem at a time. Just remember one thing. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

For your girlfriend you like. I would let it be as it is. If she's that good a friend I would not start asking her out. You could run the possibility of alienating her from you, so I would keep her as a friend.

About your friend in the US. If he is in the same boat as you with the depression and suicidal tendencies, plus the horrible sounding family life, then I would definitely not get involved in a relationship. In general I wouldn't worry too much about the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff at 14. When you get comfortable and happy with yourself again that will come, and you'll probably find yourself with someone who truly makes you happy.

For the depression itself, if you have seen 1 or more Psychiatrists and they have not prescribed any medication then I would concentrate on more self help stuff. Exercise can be a help. When you exercise your body releases Serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. Low levels have been associated to depression, trouble sleeping etc. It's not the cause for the depression, but if the level was low then the brain cells might not be talking to each other as well, and that can be some of the effects. Ride a bike on a Sunny day, you get a double bonus. Serotonin release, and being out in the sun (always a good thing)  :) That should help with the sleep also.

As for your mom being weirded out, not sure what your considering weirded so I can't comment there. In general, try to do things that really make you genuinely happy, and try not to dwell on things that depress you. Oh, and hopefully you stay away from alcohol and drugs. A lot those are depressants, definitely not what you want.

Answer 3

Get out of Isolation and join a group meet new people talk talk and talk try a new counselor maybe the other one wasn't right for you find one that you feel comfortably with even if you have to switch a few times to find the right one. As far as trying to kill yourself, self harm is a terrible way to die you must gain strength to live a productive life.

Meet new friends try new things meditate try yoga...

Good luck and God Bless you!!

Answer 4

dont do it...

you only live once and make the most of it =]

Answer 5

okay that is long...

Well you need to find some friends that arn't goin to bring you down like alot of the people your talking about here. You have enough to worry about with your own problems with out taking on other peoples problems too... that boyfriend of yours... not worth it leave it be.. consider yourself on a break from him as if your not talking then there is no relationship... Try talking you this friend you like... she seems nice. Y arnt you allowed to be with your best friend?? maybe try talking to you mum about that. As for cutting i understand the addiction but its really not worth doing.. it feels good now but you will have the scars forever and you need to be strong and try to quit... 5 months is a good start now try to go for another 5 months or 6 and really try. Honestly stay away from people that will bring you down and hang with people that are happy and it will eventually catch on. If you really think you are at risk of suicide go to a 24hour house (im sure you've been to one before)... and go back to councilling, try to convince them you want anti depressant.. im not sure y your not on them all ready.

Good Luck! and stay happy (or try to)

Answer 6

yeah i know i can relate to you about cutting and depression and not being hungry and so on but im getting better now and i think it's because i have a support system.  i know your trying but if you do want to get better you have to have to get better, everything seems so bad and that it cant get better but there is more then this.  keep on living another day, because you weren't meant to die.  you were made fearfully and wonderfully.  

Answer 7

DONT DO IT!

I have some news for you. You are going to die. Nothing in life is surer than that. Your history dude. One day you will cease to be. So now that the inevitable is sorted think about this. Even if you only get to feel true unbridalled happiness ONCE in your life the whole thing is worth it. But when will this occur? Who knows. Its retarded to rob yourself of the chance just to accelerate the demise.

Keep on cutting yourself if you think it will help. Never really helped me but Im 30 now and even I still do a little self harming now and then.

Go learn something new. Do something completely different. Fly a fking kite. leave the death up to death. He will come for you too soon as it is.

Answer 8

You are screaming for attention through the antics you're pulling. Anyone, who has seen that many councilors, been hospitalized, cuts, etc....... doesn't seem to want help.

Either go back into counseling or straighten yourself up and stop trying to find excuses for your behavior.

Answer 9

Hello there,

Firstly, i hope you wont keep cutting yourself anymore. Its bad for you and you could lose blood and you will die or you might get infection...  lol obviously! joking :) . Seriously, when you think life gets tougher and harder, it will give you it, fully and more possibly, but what makes you think that it hesitates you from cutting yourself soo deep that you know that you will die if you do that?? It is because some part of yourself is still alive and that part of yourself is kind of a peaceful or sacred side of your life. So dont give up you life at all, it is not worth it, just listen to that sacred side of you and by means of listening, i mean, dont let negativity attracts you coz the more you have it (negativity) inside you, the more you build that body of pain again which can cause sadness inside from the build up of negative emotion. Life is just around the corner waiting for you to realise that it is there looking for your attention aswell.

From all the people that hates/being fake/grudge/annoyed of you, please let that pass through you, what i mean is just by letting it go, it is not worth keeping the feeling inside coz as i said, it will just build up again and again and negative emotion will just keep getting its feed again and again too. So, dont hate back after you sense their hateness, they suffer themselves and all we need is just a little realisation from all these negative emotions and painfulness.

So, next time when you cut yourself, let yourself be present on that moment and see your surroundings (including anything you see, from bathroom tiles, soap, your bedroom, books on floor, flowers, sky, flows of the water and sooo on...) as you see, somethings are sacred and stable and its part of life itself and they are there not just coz it looks good or bad but just form itself and part of life that is.

And one big part of this is the term "Trying". have you ever do things something that you dont try??? just do it anyway without putting any effort??? Without the involvement of thought??? coz thought will be a big part of this trying itself and after would be stress - to - anger - sadness - anxiety and the negative list just goes on and on.... not to mention, cutting yourself... So, what i mean is, just let things be, be where you are, what you do without the involvement of your MIND itself. Be present, acceptance, be at peace.

I really hope i can help you.

Im no councillor or teacher, experience is enough to realised...

KR

Answer 10

Oh heavens, where do I start?

My depression is stress-related with the trauma of rejection.  Yours sounds horribly if it is genetic, and therefore a part of you, and any journey away from it is a trip towards something you are not, like being continually an actress in order to stay alive.

So unlike many depressives like me, it is not enough just to remove the demons and let the goodness of your natural self take over and cure you.  Everything you do has to be artificial and grafted onto yourself in the hope that good things will hold and not be rejected by your own body. Hence the cutting.

You need to become an artist. You need to use your imagination to create something that was not there before.  In time, all your works will become your shield, and you will be like an insect in a chrysalis.  All mush inside, but the coccoon you have created for yourself will be your home for a while while your rearrange all your cells and ultimately emerge a beautiful butterfly.

It's a pity that you are still too young for lovemaking.  The act of union with a loved one, the pain and the tearing as you lose your virginity in that sacrament of ecstasy, and how you come out in peace and strengthened by the entry of someone else's DNA within your very core.  Yes that is very healing and something you can look forward to.

It will be hard to wean yourself off the cutting.  It cannot be done by willpower alone.  Better to replace it with an even more powerful but less harmful addiction.  Try painting or music or sport or philosophy.

In the meantime you have work to do creating your chrysalis.

Take care and guard carefully all the happiness you can get to stick to you!

Answer 11

hey

you sound kinda like me when i was 14.... i am now 28 and married with two little girls....

i understnd the self harm stuff, i did it (and sometimes still do) too.  it's just about making the shittiness you're feeling seem more real.  I've tried to kill myself a couple of times, even ended up in a phsyc unit for 2 months.  You say that you are not on any medication, I think that you need to see a different doctor and get a second opinion...  medication truly does help  - you don't have to stay on it for the rest of your life, but it builds up the serotonin levels in your brain which control mood and can actually make you feel kinda normal.  especially if you can't remember being truly happy... i am not gonna preach to you, but if you try to not worry about things that you can't control, like ur bf in america....  you can't let ur mind fill with all these thoughts that he will cheat.... trust him.  as for the bi stuff, i'm not really an expert on that, but she does sound like a good friend, and when i was 14, if i wanted to hang out with someone that my mum did't like, i would do it anyway!!  don't start taking pain killers... if you're having trouble getting to sleep (like i do) when you lay in bed just focus on your breathing...  i hate that my brain won't switch off when i lay down, but for some reason this helps...

i'd like to know how you are going with all of this....

Answer 12

Try talking to person and telling them how you feel. Perhaps finding another outlet for your feelings might help, such as a martial art and such.

Answer 13

ok hun

i can see that some of your depression is genetic but honestly you don't have anything to be depressed about

you have a boyfriend, that should boost your confidence right up

and from the sounds of it, you are very attractive, all girls kill for that!

Usually thinking about the person you like makes me feel good so put on a sorta lovey dovey track from your genre of music and ponder about the girl :)

if you need cheering up, youtube funny videos like cats talking, that cracks me up everytime

maybe try making yourself feel pretty :D pamper yourself eg. put on nailpolish, use body lotion, do your hair, anything that makes you feel good :)

hope that helps!

Answer 14

don't kill yourself please life is short make it good go to a cheap rehab that will probably help

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 15

You need to be seen by a psychologist, not a counseler. A counseler cannot prescribe you any kind of medication, only a psychologist can.

Another thing you need to seriously think about doing is checking yourself into a hospital. You can check yourself into one, even at your age. When you walk into the ER go directly to triage & explain to them you've been have extreme suicidal thoughts. Also, let them know you've been cutting yourself again. They will take you directly back. If you explain your situation to the Dr. exactly the way you did just now -- they will take you seriously & look into prescribing you something for manic depression. This is most likely what you have. I'm not trying to self diagnose you or anything, don't get me wrong. But this is pretty much a guesstimation as to what you may or may not be experiencing.

As for the entire friend thing, you will in time be able to work that whole mess out. Trust me. But right now you need to be thinking about yourself, and only yourself. Time will be your enemy, or your friend with this. & right now you need to be taking that time to resolve your own issues & harships.

I hope you begin to feel better soon, but this will ONLY happen if you're seriously thinking about getting your life straightened out, and taking full care of yourself. Right now is the time to act on things, right when you begin to think anything suicidal, or even begin to start cutting yourself. You need medical attention. & if your Mother isn't going to help you through this then you need to jump the gun yourself and take full control on how you're going to get better.

It's up to you. Not anyone else. Take control & get better. Go to the Hospital & explain your story. They will help.  

Answer 16

whats the point of cutting  or killing yourself?pls try it:go to the mirror ask yourself is it fair with god if u do these.try to live for yourself and then reply me!!!!!!!take care