Please help! My Mum says she won't come to my daughter's 1st birthday party?

Question

I have mentioned before on here that my Mum is very old-fashioned (some may say bigoted!) and that she is NOT happy that my daughter is not going to be christened/baptised. She is also extremely unaccepting of my sister, who came out as g*y a few years ago and now lives with her partner of 18 months. I have got used to her attitude to an extent, although I am not happy about it, but now I have another problem. My Mum is refusing to come to my daughter's first birthday party in October. She says that she won't feel "comfortable" celebrating the birthday of a child who has not been accepted by God and also she has demanded that I do not invite my sister's partner at all! I am really upset about this. I don't want to give in to her demands as my sister would be very hurt (and I see her partner as a member of the family anyway!), but my daughter adores her granny and will miss her if she is not there. I know this is emotional blackmail, but what should I do????

Answer 1

Your mom is going to be the one missing out, not your daughter. No one on Yahoo can tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do. I would tell your mom that if she doesn't accept your daughter the way she is and respect your decisions, then she is not welcome at the party. Furthermore, I would say she has no right to tell you who you can and cannot invite, and because you love your sister, you accept whatever choices she makes for herself. If you give in to your mother all the time, what are you teaching your daughter. She will learn that the way your mother acts and judges is acceptable behaviour, when it is definitely not. I understand you are put in a hard situation because it is your mom, but that doesn't give her the right to force people to make decisions in her favour. Good Luck, you sound like you need it!!!

Answer 2

You have got to stand up to your mum on this one.

Tell her that you love her, but her attitude needs to change as you will not have her ruining a happy day in your child's life.

You and your sister have made your choices, and you need to stand by them. You can't let her control you, or your daughters first birthday.

To me it sounds like she is using religion more like a way to control you, It could even be  jealousy on her part because she is not center of attention.

I would tell her that this is the party you have planned, you would very much like her to come, but she has to come on your terms or not at all.

She sounds like a bully, and you need to stand up to her.

Answer 3

You should 'do' nothing. Invite everyone and it is HER choice whether to come or not. Do not let her force you to make it YOUR choice to pick people.

I wasn't christened and don't believe in religion but surely if she does she would want to be close to her granddaughter so she could lead by example and indoctrinate her later.

Your mum is a bully. I hope she loves you and your daughter enough to get over this.

Answer 4

I agree with the other posts here saying you should go ahead and have your party.  Your mother is the one who will suffer in the end by being separated from her granddaughter on her special day.  (I wouldn't worry too much, though, at this time about how much your daughter will miss her granny, as she's only turning one and I guarantee will not remember the occasion.  It would be more of an emotional problem if your daughter were turning, say, four or older.)

The saddest thing here is your mother's hypocricy.  Clearly, she considers herself a Christian, but she is acting very un-Christianlike, imo.  To judge and condemn her granddaugher, an innocent child, because she hasn't been christened is appalling...and only God can judge (see Matthew 7:1)!  And she should remember that even (or *especially*) that Jesus ate with the sinners (Matthew 9:10)  I'm afraid that the Bible has a lot to say about self-righteousness.  As for her feelings toward your sister and her partner, she may not like it but it is *still* the duty of Christians, imo, to practice charity and forgiveness..."Hate the sin, love the sinner", is what I've often heard.

But if you think to mention these things to your mother, you should say so gently and with love, otherwise she'll only get even angrier at having her positions, based on her (mis)understanding of her faith, challenged.

I wish you and your family all the best, and sincerely hope things turn out well.

Answer 5

if she isnt attending why does she care of your sisters partner is there or not?

id tell her that its her loss, it is not her event and you and your child want your sister and her partner there, and if she cannot be mature and act like a grandmother, then you would prefer her not to attend anyway as you want it to be a happy day.

dont blackmail her. if she doesnt want to go, then leave her be. just ensure she see the photos and say 'oh i wish you could have seen her, she was so happy, so pretty, so excited etc. that will hit home more than you blackmailing her.

aside from that, id also tell her you do not wish bigoted attitudes inforced on your child whether its aimed toward those of different religions or those of a diffeerent sexuality. you want your daughter to be respectful and accepting of all people.

Answer 6

tell your mum that you really would like to see her at the christening,tell her you accept she has a problem but it's her granddaughters day she'll be spoiling no one Else's.

ask can't she put aside her prejudices for a few hours as you know she'll miss her gran.

if this has no effect go ahead with the party and try to enjoy it,at least you tried.  

Answer 7

it is emotional blackmail and you should not stand for it.  your mother is obviously trying to control everyone in her life.  your daughter will have a lovely party and will be fine without her grandmother there so i would tell your mother you don't give a d**n if she comes or not and that you will invite whoever you please.

Answer 8

i would remind her of the passage that says only god can judge. it is her loss that she is missing out on her grandaughters life and she will eventually regret it. i would cut your losses for now (i know that is hard) and hopefully she will come around. you dont want her tainting your daughters point of view of life. and invite your sisters partner to everything! it is good to let your daughter see how people in the real world live and our cultural spirital gender differences that makes us who we are.

Answer 9

I wouldn't give in to her ways.  Invite your mom and tell her that your sisters partner is invited.  If your mom decides not to come than that is her loss.  By giving into your mom's ways you could be setting a bad example for your child since behavior like this is likely to continue from your mom.

Answer 10

You are not causing the problem - she is!  The invitation is there for her to accept or reject and you are free to invite whomever you like.  As for your daughter missing her grandmother, believe me, she won't as she is too young.  Go ahead with the party and it's up to your mother whether or not she attends.

By the way, well done for not christening your daughter.  I am not christened nor are my children.  It's far better to leave it until they are old enough to make up their own minds, I reckon.

Answer 11

Thats a hard situation; what I would do is sit down and talk to her, this is your grandchilds very first bday, do you really want to miss it?I know you dont agree with her not being christened/baptised, but you dont want her knowing when she is older why you did not show up. Not only will you be hurting me, but you will also be hurting your grandchild.

Another thing you could say-this could be considered mean is God is accepting of every child whether it is done in a church or not. I believe children are a gift FROM God. God is very loving and I dont think he minds if they are or not. I hope this helps really

If you give me a thumbs down I am sorry I am only trying to help.  

Answer 12

if your mother wants to be stubborn, let her be. she needs to realize that her actions are going to effect her grandchild. i know it can be hard to state your feelings to family members when its a touchy subject. but she needs to realize that she can be pissed off at you all she wants, but shouldn't bring the child into it.  you invite whoever you want. this is your little girls day, NOT HERS. if the doesnt want you sisters partner there, so be it, she doesnt have to talk to her. she should just be there for your daughter. it really upsets me that she could be selfish like that. But seriously, do what you want. and all children are accepted by God, He created them, so i dont understand where she gets off by saying that. if she doesnt want to come, then whatever, shes missing out. invite whomever you wish, and hopefully your mother will realize this isnt her choice. good luck.

Answer 13

she's excluding herself, no one else has a problem with it. let her get on with it and tell her that she's welcome to join you but that you won't be blackmailed into accepting the conditions shes trying to impose on you.

Answer 14

Gently explain to her that it's none of her d**n business. She is entitled to her opinions and you respect them, you've gone out of your way to show respect for her beliefs. In return you would appreciate some respect from her.

She'll just end up a sad, lonely old woman if she continues to alienate her family.

Good Luck

Answer 15

tell your mom she is acting childish and to keep her nose and opinions out of your business and your sisters business.  

Answer 16

Don't give in to it. YOU are the mom and if she doesn't want to spend time with her granddaughter SHE is the one losing out.

Go on with it and have a great time.

I feel sorry for your mother and her close minded ways.

Answer 17

Family situations are always tought when you're caught in the middle.  Your mom sounds difficult.  Here it is, not even September yet and she has you upset about a party in October.  You have to decide how your relationship with your sister is.  I know my sister would be crushed if i didn't invite her.  And, if you inviter your sister you should probably invite her partner.  Is it worth damaging that relationship to keep peace with your mom?  As for having her baptized, just keep remembering....YOU ARE THE PARENT.  You have to decide if you want to give in to her manipulations.  You can invite your mom, but if she chooses to stay away, that's her loss.  while I'm sure your daughter loves her granny, she won't be aware of what the day is about and won't miss having her there (sorry, that sounds harsh).  ut the parties are really for the parents, right?  I mean, my daughter had a good time at her party, but she would have had just as much fun eating cake with just my husband and I.  Anyway, try to enjoy the party.....and take lots of pictures!!  They are too cute when the eat the cake!

Answer 18

I wouldn't give into her, but I would have one frank and final discussion with her.  It would go something like this:

~~Mom, I do not share your beliefs, but I respect yours.  But refusing to see my daughter on her birthday because of your beliefs is unacceptable.  If you are that uncomfortable, you can leave early.  My child loves you and should not pay the price because of your beliefs.~~

If she still refuses, I would simply tell her that it is better for your daughter to not be attached to her grandma if she's only going to be there for her when she feels like it.

Answer 19

The only one that has the problem is her. Don't feel bad, she's the one with the p**s poor attitude, not you. And it's YOUR party, not her's. You can invite whoever you want.

Answer 20

This is her choice. You have invited her and she has given what she feels is a valid reason for not turning up. You cant change the way she feels so just accept that this is how she wants it. Say to her you will be upset that she wont attend but the door will be open to her if she changes her mind. Have a wonderful celebration for your daughter, don't let your mother spoil it. You have your family now, if your mum wants to exclude herself from this then that's her prerogative although I don't see her motives as very christian in attitude.

Answer 21

how horrible for you, decide whats important,your sister and your religious views should come first, i would say to your mum ''you are punishing an innocent child because of your attitude ''and ask her if her views are that important,personally i would't want her there because of any trouble she might cause, your daughter will be so caught up she is young enough for it not to hurt her, but i would let your mum know how muc shes hurt you,

prehaps she could think of something nice for just her and your daughter to do together for her birthday so she doesn't miss out, she will only be 1 once so make sure you are happy and try not to worry why should other people ruin something special.

Answer 22

She cannot be that religious if she is that nasty !!!! tell her not to bother then.

Answer 23

Your mom has no right to put those terms on you.  I would tell her that she is welcome to come but you are not giving into her demands.  Your mom should accept you for who you are.  We are all different people if we were all the same it would be a pretty boring world.  Just tell your mom you love her and she is an important part of your life and that you love to see her there but if she doesn't show up it is her decision. Good luck

Answer 24

I would let your daughter and your family enjoy the 1st Birthday party and then set aside time for your mum to see you daughter.

That's not giving in to her demands but it lets your daughter still enjoy time with her granny :)  

Your sister and her partner can come to the party and enjoy the party as can you without worrying what your mum is going to say!

Answer 25

Invite your sister and her partner, invite your mum while informing her that your sister and her partner will be there, and if your mum chooses not to come, it's her loss. Your daughter may adore her granny but when the day comes, with her aunties being there and whoever else, she'll probably be too busy to notice - if she does ask for granny, you can always say granny couldn't come but you'll celebrate with granny some other day.

Answer 26

tell her if she doesn't come then she can never see your daughter again

Answer 27

Oh... I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You know, you just have to live your life for you, and your kids. If your mum does not like the decisions you are making, or your sister then that is something she has to live with. Hopefully she will realize soon that its only going to hurt herself (and the kids) in the long run. But, really, you have to do things for you! I would tell her you would like for her to come, but you cant make her. And, if you feel like you want to invite your sisters partner, then invite her! That's your choice. My mother in law is the same way. Her and my husbands father are divorced and he re-married. If his wife (my husbands step mom) is at anything my mother in law wont come. She missed my baby shower and it started a huge fight and she didn't talk to my husband for months. She barely sees my son now. Its sad... but its her choice! Good luck!  

Answer 28

Choose your sister. You can't change other people's point of views but you shouldn't hinder you and your sister's relationship. It sounds like your sister understands your situation. By your mother not coming to the birthday party, that is a decision she will regret not you. You offered and shouldn't force anyone elses beliefs on you and your family that you don't believe. If you cave in nowe, you will have to do it for the rest of your life. Your sister took a stand and so should you. Good luck.  

Answer 29

Wellshe is the one with the issue here. I know its hard, she is your mother, but someone needs to make her see sense. You and your sister are her daughters, regardless of being g*y, or not baptizing your child. Thats your choice, it hers, and if she doesn't like it, then it is her loss not seeing her grandchildren much.

She will soon realize that she needs to accept your decisions

Answer 30

ur mom is bein quite selfish!!

i would invite ur sis's gf neways but tell ur mom u didnt

tht way they will both b ther

yes wen they both turn up ur mom wnt b happy but atleast ther both ther!!

Answer 31

Every child is accepted by God, no matter what your mother says!  Tell her that if she has a problem with it then to hold it against you instead of your daughter.  She needs to respect you decisions, she does not have to like them but she needs to be respectful.  She also should not punish your daughter for her difference in opinion.  God doesn't pick and choose when it comes to children who can't make the decision themselves.  God is merciful and just.

Good luck!