Please help i'm so confused....???

Question

Ok I have a HUGE dilemna. This is going to be alot of information so I will try and make it shorter. I met this really cute smart guy who I like alot he's attractive physically, emotionally and we got along right away. The problem is as we were getting into heavier dating we went out. Then while I was going out with him I found out his dad whom he lives with is abusing my boyfriend AND his older brother!!!!!!!!!! I saw it too-my boyfriend was pushed over by his dad and I never did anything because I was so nervous and it was my first time witnessing abuse like that, domestic violence as I now know what it is called. It was SO scary!!! I wasn't sure what to think. My boyfriend and his older brother don't have family or friends to go to their house for safety, and they have nowhere else to live. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 19. His older brother is 20. The two of them are being abused on a daily basis emotionally, verbally, physically and maybe more. It's really scary. The really interesting part about this is that my boyfriend is angry about the situation but says that he wants to remain in control of his rage and anger against his dad. He says comments that are sarcastic to get back at his dad so his dad gets some verbal abuse and retaliation back. Of course, this doesn't help my boyfriend's dad, as he starts getting angry and abusing my boyfriend and his older brother. I never get hurt. My bf protects me from that thank goodness. He always has. The weird part is too is that my boyfriend used to have a gf who lived with him for 2 years that's how long they went out. She left him and moved to Alberta and told him she's moved on with her life. He still pines for her to this day. I told him to let it go she's not going to come back and that I feel for him. I asked him the second time if he still loved her and would leave me for her in the relationship. He told me no he wouldn't because she's done and that it's old news. I told him I love him and to move on with me because I will reciprocate the feelings of love back to him. He accepted and wants to live with me, away from his dad and all the abuse and bullshit that goes on at his house. His dad also doesn't help our relationship by putting "time limits" on me being able to stay over and/or spend time with his son. I have respected the dad's wishes and yet he still tries to pull my boyfriend away from me. Then the next minute his dad invites me over to the house right after he said no previously. It's like his dad is playing stupid mind games. I agreed with my boyfriend and wanted to move out and live with him. I told him that he needed to get counselling if we were to live together to deal with any issues he had/has. There's another problem with this scenario. My bf and I get along in every way but verbally. He will say mean things to project his bitterness of his ex and his mean abusive dad onto me. I sit there and retaliate with both love and hate to show him that I want respect and won't take verbal abuse but that I do love him. Finally, one day, I had enough and said to my boyfriend " I'm sick of the mind games your dad plays and your mean words to me. good job. you just lost me. " and let him go. Now I'm so confused, hurt and upset over all of this that I'm not sure what the heck to do. Any Advice???

Answer 1

First, please let me say that your desire to help your partner shows us you are a caring person. It is never easy to witness domestic violence, much less experiene it, and the fact that you are seeking help is great!

I would encourage you first to examine your own relationship. Your partner, it sounds like, is verbally abusive towards you. That behavior is not acceptable. Whether he is experiencing abuse himself or not, it  is not an excuse for his behavior towards you. Men who experiene abuse as children often become abusive to their partners as adults. Please consider seeking counseling for yourself to help you examine the healthiness of this relationship. You can go to the www.shelternet.ca website for links for your local domestic violence program. They can provide free, confidential counseling and advocacy for you.

I would encourage your partner to also seek counseling and advocacy from a local program. Most programs will provide services to men who are survivors or help them find the right services for their needs. He is living in a toxic, unhealthy environment and needs to move forward, away from his abusive father.

If you begin dating him again, please consider not going to his father's home. You are right; his father is using manipulation and emotional abuse to bring you into his abusive pattern. You may be safer if you stay away from him all together. Establishing healthy boundaries is an important thing to consider.

Your partner's verbal abuse will only change when he decides he wants to change it. No matter how much love and support you provide him, only he can make that change.

We can all use help making our relationships better, but those who have been abused need extra help to work through and find closure for the traumatic experiences they have had.  

Answer 2

wow first of all, that was a mouthful... xD *wears her eyeglasses*

anyway, if your really sick of all those, and if you still love the guy, you could talk over and fix things up... Remember, wne you and your boyfriend fight, it dosn't mean your not meant for each other... it just means you two are growing...

and if your sick with your bf's dad, abusing him, I think you two should start to draw the line.

Answer 3

gosh, i think this is a really hard thing for you. i can't give any accurate advice cause i think you are the one who can solve this problem. follow your heart dear.. know how you feel for him..

Answer 4

I could go into a long dissertation about this but the bottom line will always boil down to this ,,,, This boy has got too many issues to make him a good candidate for you or anyone else to be involved with him ,,,, Obviously he's grown up in a hostile environment and whether you want to believe it or not it's going to carry over into his adult life ,,,, He's going to be an abusive person towards anyone he targets ,,,, This is not his fault but he's got the problem whether he wants it or not and there's nothing you can do about it either ,,,,

This abusive behavior will continue on if he has children ,,,,  Yeah I know that allot of people will say he can get help with counseling but the cold hard fact about the counseling thing is that it's  La La Land and it would probably take more years of counseling to rectify this problem than it did to cause or create it ,,,,A persons formative years is between the age when he first starts walking up until the time of puberty ,,,, Once a person reaches puberty he's pretty much set in his ways and the way he's going to be the rest of his life ,,,,

If this is the type of environment he was raised in then that's the way he's going to be regardless of what anyone says ,,,, I just hope you don't have to find this out the hard way ,,,, I don't care what anyone says this counseling thing just isn't what it's cracked up to be if it even works at all ,,,, The abuse you said he's directed towards you so far is just a prelude to what's coming if you continue wth him ,,,,He had no right to subject you to that at all ,,,,He had no reason to either other than his father but that still doesnt' give him the right to abuse you  ,,,,

Don't give him the opportunity to mistreat you and make you a victim too ,,,, Although his father hasn't actually done anything to go to jail for what he's done to his sons is criminal ,,,, Your first concern should be you and what's best for you ,,,, As much as you seem to want to there's nothing you can to do help him girl ,,,,The sooner you come to realize this the better off you are going to be ,,,, Move on sugar ,,,, He might be beautiful to look at on the outside but he's ugly on the inside ,,,, It's not his fault but that's the bottom line and the way things are and end of story ,,,,

He's not the only fish in the pond ,,,, There's some one out there for you some where and all you have to do is find him ,,,, Most likely he's going to come trouble and problem free and he won't treat you like a punching bag either ,,,,  //