Please help me, I just got my kids back from foster care?

Question

My children are 3 boys, 7, 4 and 15 months. I just got them back into my custody last monday.

They won't even come to me or call me mom. They act like they don't even know I'm their mother, and my youngest son constantly cries for Leslie who is his foster mom.

My 2 oldest boys always ask when they're going home, and say that they want thier mom.

How do I get them to understand that I'm their real mom, and this is their home?

Why don't they get it, I'm thier biological mother, they should know me!

I had 2-4 visits a week with them before they came back btw.

Answer 1

please give them time, not knowing the reasons they were taken in the first place, I'm guessing it was quite unstable, and they have just been pulled out of the safe enviroment they know, kids don't forget how it was.

You have a lot of time to make up for and you need to earn your mum status not demand it, anyone can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a mum.

This is not going to be an ovenight thing, you have had visits but were they over night stays? and for like whole weekends?

This is not going to be an easy road for you, they were stable where they were and now they have to learn to feel safe with you, its going to take a lot of patience on your part, and don't try to bribe or buy them because that is not what they need.

spend time with them reading and talking and get to know each other again.

real mum or not home is where they feel safe and their memories may not be so good, i know you probably feel quite frustrated but just don't expect to much from them right now, earn your way to them and it will all work out fine.

Answer 2

I must say, it must be difficult, but I have never been in that situation and I cannot help you.

I wish you good luck.

Answer 3

I cannot imagine what you are going through.  The joy of having your children returned, and the agony of them not "remembering".  I would be devastated.  Kudos to you for reaching out for answers and support!

Are there any services available through foster care or the government to help you with counseling for the older children & yourself.  It sounds to me that everyone needs help coping with the situation.  

Children are impressionable at this young age and their memories are not always clear.  It amazes me how my 5 yr old can remember something that happened last Christmas but cannot remember that he has been told 20 times a day not to slam doors.  : )

Do you have any old pictures that you could get out and share with them - showing them how things were previously and "help" to jog their memory.  Have you tried talking to the older child to see what he remembers or if he is just being an upset child about all the moving?  Perhaps he is having a difficult time adjusting to the moves and is just being "difficult" for lack of a better word.  

Again, kudos to you.  Stay strong.  I would definitely seek out counseling for all of you.  You need someone to talk to.

Take care.

Answer 4

I completley agree with Punxy_girl!  Transistions are very hard for children-I know as I deal with this with my four year old son.  Myself and his father are both in the military and it is hard when he goes back and forth.  What works for us is that we do the same thing upon his return to get him back into "our" routine-Patience and alot of quality one on one time helps.  Let them go through there adjustment phase and be there for them. I let my son talk about/call his Dad when ever he needs to-it helps them too, to know that Dad and Mommy like each other, we never say negative things about each other.  Stay positive, and you will be okay. Good Luck and dont beat yourself up over this. ;o)

Answer 5

i would just have to say give it time..and they should get into the swing of thing and get used to the new place and the new you

Answer 6

you need to give them time, its a big adjustment for kids soo young.they were used to the other lady being there mom for so long, they just dont understand

Answer 7

I think they'll just grow up and learn, you ahve to have some patience...

good luck

Answer 8

Sounds like the foster mom really took good care of them. That is a good thing since you just never know anymore, especially during a time when you couldn't take care of them. Just work on the relationship with them. It will take some time.

Answer 9

spend more time with them

Answer 10

social services should be helping you with this, if they are not insist on it, all of you need counseling, it is going to take time and a lot of patience and out side help, good luck

Answer 11

They don't know you. If they were in foster care their entire lives it's normal for them to think of their foster mother as their real mother. Just because you give birth doesn't make you a good parent.

Answer 12

You don't say how long the boys were in foster care,but their children,*& it will take time for them to connect with you.All children respond to someone that gives them love & shelter.Since you've been out of their lives for awhile,Leslie has filled the slot that was meant to be yours....BE PATIENT,& wait for the boys to accept & love you on their own timeframe.If you push it,you may lose this opportunity for transfer,& the boys may end up resenting you,before they learn to love you.It will happen,but it's up to YOU...BOL

Answer 13

YOu need time and ALOT of patience. this stuff is hard. but in the end they will love unconditonaly. good luck!

Answer 14

Because you need to build trust again. They were already away from you and probubly scared for that again. they clearly built a bond with whoever cared for them, so stop thinking selfishly of your feelings and think about what these kids have been through. Be patient, and make a good stable home for them, they will come around, they are kids and don't understand adult problems. You keep this selfish fram of mind up, then you will not get the love and understanding, cause for you as of this moment, it is about you, not them. visiting a couple times a week isn't being there when they are sick at night or have a bad dream, or pee the bed etc.... Don't expect them to chum righ up to you. They have been removed from what they are used to , be patient

Answer 15

That must be difficult for you....don't be angry at the kiddos it's not their fault....patience and time

Answer 16

when children are young any dramatic change can be be tramuatic. I would give them time. I did read your other questions and I'm going to have to say i'm a little bit wary about the situation. I will say what i said to your previous question....That you must of done all that you could to get your children back in the first place, so i know you want what is best. Otherwise you wouldn't of done what was told of you to get them back. If you are still feeling this way, there is nothing wrong in going to support groups or parenting classes.It does not make you a bad mother to get help. I know you want what is best for your children. Please, please give it time.

Answer 17

Transitions are very difficult for children. About all you can do is be very patient and keep explaining that you are their mother and that they are staying with you. Keep a good routine daily that helps kids adjust. Incorporate lots of fun things into it. Fun does not need to equal expensive. Fun can be going to the play ground or reading books together. If at all possible, try to have one on one time with each child daily or at least twice a week. Please do not say bad things about their foster mother even if you feel that she did things the wrong way. The kids obviously had feelings for her and if you say bad things about her, you will really confuse them.

Answer 18

My best advice to give you would be to have patience but be their mom they will eventually adjust. Remember what makes moms so special. My mom was special to me because she had patience and loveto give me. And she was always there when I wasn't feeling right. She still is no matter if I am sick or just need someone to talk to. Make sure you talk to each one of them. Your 7 year oild will probably need one- on - one time with you to help recreate the bond you want. Take it oneday at a time and just love them.

AND FOR ALL OF YOU WHO WANT TO JUDGE THIS PERSON FOR HAVING HER KIDS TAKEN AWAY YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY JUDGE YOU DON'T KNOW THE CIRCUMSTANCE AND HAVE NO BUSINESS KNOWING IT!  ALSO KEEP IN MIND THAT FOR WHATEVER REASON THESE CHILDREN WERE TAKEN AWAY SHE HAS OBVIOUSLY PROVEN HERSELF FIT TO BE THE PARENT TO THEM AGAIN!!!!

Good Luck and Congrats!!!

Answer 19

give them some time buy them things like toy s and clothes and try to get close to them go out and spent more time wif them and slowly and patiencely they'll call u mum

Answer 20

It's time to get reacquainted and establish yourself as their mother. They have been through a lot and need to learn to trust you... then love you.

Answer 21

i can't begin 2 imagine what your going through.i have 2 kids myself and i'd have to say it'l prob just boil down to patience and time for them to adjust.don't make them promises of seeing leslie and just be there for them.try not to force the issue of being called mum,let them call you by your name for a while if that makes them more comfortable,try not to let that be an issue.it's been a big upheavel for them and they are so young, hang in there and im sure itl all work out for the best and everything will fall into place.

Answer 22

You can't force their feelings. They need security and to feel safe. As soon as you provide this by being loving they will respond. Be mindful of your face and how it looks to them. They need to see the aura around you and only you can bring it out from your true self.

Answer 23

without knowing the reason y we cant help u

Answer 24

Well, if they were gone for a long time, you have to remember that as a coping mechanism, they probably just decided that the foster house was home. I mean in their minds, it was. Give them a lot of love, patience and time....lots of hugs and I love yous. Eventually they will come around again.

Answer 25

Ok lemme get this right here. Your children are just recently back in your home after being in foster care and you expect them to bounce back immediately? They have been in the care of another woman 24/7 for however long. Leslie has kissed the owies and drank the pretend tea. They have bonded with her to some degree and you are expecting them to just forget her and go running to mama all giggles and smiles. Your children experienced a loss when they were removed from your care and the are experiencing a very similar loss now.

After the traumas they have endured perhaps you need to put your own feelings on the backburner and focus on reassuring your children that you love them and will not be leaving again. Trust me they see no reason for being taken from you and they see no reason for being taken from Leslie, all they see are two women who have walked out on them.

Leave your emotions at the door and get some therapy going, FOR THE KIDS!

Answer 26

How long were they in foster care? If it was long it'll take them some time... they're just confused, at the moment they don't even know who their mom is. If this really bugs you go talk to a doctor a psychologist or a friend.

Answer 27

Give it time, and proxac.

Answer 28

How long where they gone for?

and honestly without knowing the reason they got taken away in the first place, I dont know what to tell you

Answer 29

How long where they gone? Maybe they had a better experience with their foster mom.Give them patience, love and understanding.It's hard being separated and starting anew.They are children!!!! Have patience and maybe a support group can help!

Answer 30

I am a foster parent and have gone through this with my former foster kids.  I cant imagine how hard it must be to be on the  other side.

If you have a good relationship with Leslie, I would say that it might be a good idea to get her involved.  I agree that transition is hard.  Hard for the kids, you and the foster mom.  It is wonderful that you were able to get your kids back, I am sure that you had to work hard to do so, but sometimes the agency that removed the kids returns them without much "transitioning."  It could be in the best interest of you all to get in contact with the foster mom and allow her to visit the kids.  I think that knowing that you are all on the same page can be comforting to the kids and help you all to get through this difficult time.

Again, congrats to you for reunifying your family.  I wish you all good luck and you'll be in my prayers.

Answer 31

***    ****   ????? Excuse me?????   ***      ****

You are pleading for help, complaining that your children don't want to go to you or call you 'Mom', when one of your other questions is the following:

"Can you be bothered when your kids are sick?

Do you sometimes just leave your kids alone when they're sick, like you just tell them to stay in bed or something? Because honestly, I don't see why they have to cry ALL the time, and sometimes you just cant be bothered with them?"

They are CHILDREN and your youngest is just a BABY.

And you wonder why they don't want to be with you.