Please help me. I feel such a failure as a mother and have no-one to talk to.

Question

I feel such a failure. Everyone thinks I am such a fantastic mother and someone they all aspire to be, but in reality I feel I am beside myself.

I have two daughters who are 7 and 9 and I adore them but I feel like we are all destroying each other. We bicker constantly with each other and it's really getting me down. I feel like I am in a tunnel spiraling out of control. They talk to me like dirt and in turn I shout at them and get so frustrated. My husband is wonderful, but when we are all together the bickering does not stop and we all fall out.

I am lost at how to punish my daughters when they speak to me badly and answer me back. They push me to the limit until I shout at them and am then wracked with guilt. I would never hurt them physically.

I had abdominal surgery on the 25th July and am exhausted physically and mentally.

If you knew me you wouldn't believe what I am saying as everyone thinks I am as strong as an ox and am the backbone of the family.

How can we break this cycle? Please help.

Answer 1

nanny 911

Answer 2

You can enlist the help of your husband with this. Calmly explain what you just wrote about needing time to heal. You are taking a beating with 2 kids at that age. Bickering is so annoying and I understand. Ask your husband to talk to your daughters and keep doing that while you try to get the rest you deserve. Remember that these years will pass but you need some rest.

Answer 3

Call Nanny 911, or you all should go to a therapist. You all need help otherwise things will not get better.  

Answer 4

get some help

Answer 5

dont worry i'm sure your a great mother what i would try to do is when things like that happen just calm down you may need to leave the room to stop yourself from saying anything and try to listen sometimes when they say things because you may be able to help and you can talk to them about the problem with fighting and maybe you can find the root of the problem

Answer 6

I have read the answers people have given you and word for word agree with mindy 6 you have to take away there possessions and get your husband to tell them it is not acceptable their behaviour

Answer 7

Well,you must be very firm with themIts sad thatchildren who ought to help you behave this way it is definitely not a good sign.........but do you remeber how respectfu with your parents?.........l f....you were in turn.........careless they too wouldpick it up that wrong attitude Our childare a mirror of what we are!

Answer 8

Do you feel uptight and anxious all the time? If so you might be suffering from mild depression. Talk to your doctor, he might be able to prescribe something to help you even out your mood. It might just be a temporary thing brought on by stress, pain and the exhaustion from your surgery.

Once you get yourself on track, you should sit down with your husband to discuss the issues with your girls and agree on a course of action when the girls act up (loss of privilege, extra chores, etc.). Then set them down and tell them exactly what they can expect if they break your rules and stick to it.

I used to think that there was no room for mistakes in motherhood because being a mom was what I always wanted to do and I love my kids so much - but I have made mistakes. I always tell my kids that I am not perfect but I am always trying my best and that I want them to learn from my mistakes too and to be better parents than me someday.

Things need to change in your house, but you sound like a loving, contientious mother. Hang in there!!!!

Answer 9

You, as an adult, 'bicker' with a 7 and 9 year old. There's your answer right there. You really do need to claim back some parental control before it's too late, if it isn't already. Good Luck.

Answer 10

I can understand, constantly having to fight with someone takes the most out of anybody with a conscience.

Trust me, you are not a failure, your girls are bickering not because something is wrong with you, but because they are externalizing the feelings of inadequacy that society gives young women in particular. Punishing is only going to exacerbate this. Trust me, they are not acting this way because they just enjoy being bad, something is bothering them. People dont just act like that for the h**l of it, we both know you wouldnt.

The best thing you can do is build them up, and make sure they know that they know they dont need to be perfect to be happy. Its not going to be a magic bullet, it will take time, but they need to know and FEEL they dont have to live there life to others expectations.

Answer 11

your run down at the moment and need more time to recover I had major surgery and it took me months to get over the tiredness thank goodness for good neighbours and older daughter.  ask your husband to take them out and go to bed each day for a few hours and stop feeling guily also explain to them your still tired after the surgery they are old enough to help around the house a bit

Answer 12

First off, you need to get some help. I felt the same way after having my last baby. I had post partum depression and it was horrible. I didn't realize how bad it was until one day when I was talking to my daughter and all of a sudden a switch flipped and I went off and was yelling and threw her backpack across the room, not at her. I called the dr. right away and I've been a lot better since then. The did start me off on anti-depressants but I don't take them anymore and feel like they helped me through a really bad time. I Took them for two months and that was it.

As for the girls I would have your hubby say something to them and see if they will act better. If not, take stuff away from them ie. tv, sports, phone, and maybe some friends for a while.  

Answer 13

You'er the boss, you set the rules. If I'd of back talked my parents like that I'd of picked my *** up off the floor. And I remembered that when my own kids thought they were the boss. They found out they have no say so and what I say goes.  

Answer 14

I feel for you.  I really do.  

First off, realize that you are exhausted as you said, and everything seems worse when you are exhausted.  I'm not trying to minimize what you feel because it is real, your reaction to it and how you handle it may me a little exaggerated right now, though.

My guess is things are probably spirally because your sense of self worth and you identity are being attacked in this situation and that your dream of what you expected motherhood to be and your relationship with your daughters to be has been shattered.  

I have found with my own daughters that when I bicker back it only gets worse.  Agree with you daughters that when someone feels they are getting out of control they can send everyone to separate rooms for a 2 minute cool off period - that this does not mean anyone is in trouble, it simply means "Time out.  I'm getting wiggy."  It's a good lesson to learn - remove yourself from a situation if you can not handle it with grace - and it teaches them to recognize when someone is starting to go over the edge.  The girls will enjoy the first time they have the power to say "Go to your rooms" or whatever you decide the code words are , but eventually they will learn to use it properly.  Don't ever allow them to lord it over one another.

Maybe that idea will help.  I hope so!  Pray.

Answer 15

I am by no means an expert on this matter...I'm not even a mother, but I am a daughter, who has a younger sister and a mother.  We fight and bicker just as much as you describe here...we have for years!  My sister is still in high school and I am second year out, so we're a little older than your girls, but I promise, it gets better...and you are NOT a failure as a mother.  I can't speak from my mom's side of things, but I can give you the perspective of a daughter...I love my mom, as I'm sure your girls love and adore you, but sometimes I find that she takes her work frustrations out on us girls, I know it's difficult to run a home and to work, and so it's understandable, but i would love her to sometimes just leave her work stresses at the door when she walks home.  I have also learned that the way I percieve my mom and my younger sister has effected the way I react towards them both.  I used to (and still do at times) see my sister as an irritating little brat, but as soon as I began to remind myself that she's actually my little sister, who I only want the best for in life, and someone who I want to have a good relationship with, I began to treat her differnetly, and it had a ripple effect on the way my mom saw us treating one another, as well as how she ended up treating me.  I also began to adjust the way I viewed my mom...no longer as the antagonist in my life, but actually someone I can confide in...I don't know if any of this helps, but what I'm trying to suggest is maybe each of you could just think about how you see each other (i know it sounds a bit grown up for 7 and 9 year olds...but its not impossible).

You're not a failure... :-) you're a mom, loved and trusted enough by God to be given two precious gifts...and you're struggling with things most mom's do...

Answer 16

If my children answered me back i would take away their privilegess such as Nintendo Ds, toys, tv etc and get them to help you around the house.  I know kids should be out playing and enjoying themselves but they need to learn respect.  If i did something wrong when i was a child i got a smack and then my dad would tie a piece of string around his wrist attach it to my wrist and do whatever he wanted to do.  Wherever he went i went!  You and your husband need to stand as a united front and dont back down.  If they want something or want to do something and you say no but give in at a later stage they know in future they can run rings round you!  Try doing things as a family like going on days out etc, just try and do some bonding all at the same time.  You need to relax, take control and be firm but fare you sound like a great mother and im sure you are but you need to gain respect of them.

Hpoe i have been some help.  Take it steady and good luck.

Answer 17

first of all do not shout at your kids when they do something wrong kneel down to their height and say what you would have shouted but in a soft yet very authouritive voice. reverse phycoligie (i can't spell) works alot.compliment them when ever they do somthing good. implement some kind of reward system or deward (is that a word?) system for them so they want to be good do something like if she was good that day she gets some money chocolate whatever makes her want to be good. glad i could help if id id.