Please help me before I have a nervous break down!?

Question

My kids, ages 14, 14, 11, and 6 are constantly at each others throats fussing, fighting, arguing, aggravating, whatever they can find to do from the time they get up in the morning until the time they go to bed at night, NON STOP! My nerves are so shot that I have the constant shakes and can't quit crying when they do this. What would be a good discipline technique to get this under control. Please don't suggest taking away favorite items because they don't have any one thing that is a favorite item. There favorite item is fighting!!!

Answer 1

What are they fighting about? Everything?

They need to each have a space to go to that is out of sight of the others. When they squabble they need to separate and go to their corners until they have calmed down.

I am serious---assign the places if you have to. Don't give anyone a prime space--like in front of the tv :) Then when the fighting starts, walk into the middle of it and tell them "separate" and they need to leave. No electronics, games, music or whatever until they have calmed down.

Make it a rule that you will not listen to any accusations, comments or complaints until 30 minutes (for the older 3) after they stop fighting. The older kids need to put their complaints in writing.

The six year old can tell you or draw a picture of their issue 10 minutes after the problem.

If you can train them to move away from each other when they are getting into a fight then it will be a big help.

The first time they give you a list of complaints that caused the fight, read through with each kid and see what you think. They may have a reason for being upset...you can ask them to think of better ways to deal with the issue and have them write them down.

IMPORTANT: when the kids are in their own space, walk to each and give them a hug/kiss and tell them you're proud of them for getting themselves under control. Start with the youngest.

Explain how all this works BEFORE a fight---get them all together and tell them that living this ways stinks and you are a family and therefore a team and the fighting has to stop. Explain that they need to learn to walk away---the older kids need to understand that it is a SAFETY issue in today's world and getting into an argument with a stranger can be dangerous. They need to learn self control.

Then be consistent---walk into the fight and direct them to their spots. BTW It isn't time-out---it is supposed to be cooling off. Give them paper and pencils for their complaint list LOL. Make sure they write what they could do differently on the back of the list so they don't get all worked up rehashing the things that they are angry about.

Even if they never write thing down, at least the fighting will stop for a few minutes because they will be apart.

I think sometimes when kids get into fighting mode they start to EXPECT a fight from siblings---does this make sense? If a sib bumps them it was on purpose---if a friend had done it, they don't get upset.

When the combatitive mindset gets stuck then every day, all day long becomes  a battle. Try to get them to do something non-competitive and fun together. Have they ever been bowling? Take them and don't be afraid to look dumb. Use bumpers on the lane and have them cheer their sibilings.

Praise like crazy when they help each other. Give lots of hugs.

FOR YOU: When they are sleeping, peek in on them and make yourself smile. Repeat "I love this kid" in your mind even if what you are really thinking is "he looks like an angel---who would guess that he is a holy terror when he's awake" LOL

Peace,

Answer 2

You have my sympathies, I have 14. 13. 12 and 8, and they are always arguing.  When things get too much, I tell them how much they are upsetting me, and if that doesnt work, I start taking 5 minutes off their bedtimes, each time they start - thats another 5 minutes, I've had them go to bed 3/4 hour early before.!!  This seems to be the best thing to work so far, at that age they know the difference between good and bad behaviour.  As for smacking, why?

Answer 3

I just have to say you DO NOT cry!. You are "telling" them you are weak and you are unable to handle the situation.

So, try to control your emotions and let them know you are the authority at home.

Next, talk to them....don't yell, don't scream, just talk.

Sometimes, children and teenagers need to be treated like grown ups. Explain to them that parenting is really hard but it is amazing! and you will be there for them but at the same time they will need to be there for you helping you out with some activities at home instead fight with each other.

Hope it helps!

GOOD LUCK!!!

.

Answer 4

I agree with ms L...take her advice!!!!  Seriously!

Answer 5

I guess you've never heard of sibling rivalry?  When us kids fought mom would point to the back door, tell us to go in the back yard and fight because she didn't want blood on the carpet.   She didn't want to hear from us unless an artery was severed or bone was protruding through flesh and she always sent us out with band aids, ice packs gauze and tape and antibiotic ointment.   We grew up just fine and very close, in fact my oldest brother lives next door to me!

Answer 6

Tell them tales in nights before going to sleep, that teaches unity among them.

Tell them every night these kind of unity tales. They will become addict to this tales and they never quarrel with each other. Try this simply technique, you will succeed within a month.

Answer 7

Get a nanny or invole their grandparents.

Answer 8

I think you should sit down with them and discuss the problem. First establish some rules, like first each one of them and you talks and nobody is allowed to talk, argue or answer. Explain the situation to them, why you are doing that and that you expect them to find a solution. I'm sure they can not really be happy with the situation as well. So listen to everyone tell you reasons for what they are doing and how they would rather like to have it. And what they think should change and how. If anybody who is not supposed to talk talks give them one warning to send them away, decisions will be made in the end without them (they are old enough to understand that they will not like that part). Be strict and send them away without a second warning. In the end you can make decisions all by yourself.

Write down everything and how to make your decisions reality. As an example, if they fight in the car you will stop and only drive when they are done. take a good book with you and stop and start reading as soon as they start fighting (this might make your first trip a really long one, but don't worry they will get the message). Tell them you are going to separate them if they fight, fuss or argue. At your table, they have to leave without finishing, if two argue both go to their room, no matter who started, the other one could have stopped.

You have to stop the situation as soon as it starts until they realize that you are not going to accept this behavior any longer. Don't worry about them being to late for school for a while or missing their sports or whatever it is worth it.

They don't have to be best friends but they have to respect each other as they respect everybody else and you.

Be very strict, don't let them argue with you, tell them at your "meeting" that you will stop that situation right now and that they will spend a lot of time in their rooms or in after school program or where ever they are away from each other if they do not seriously think of solutions and work on it.

My kids are a lot younger than yours but I think if you are strict and leave no room for discussions it will work.

Answer 9

Ok.  First off, YOU- THE PARENT needs to show who's in control and stop sitting there crying.  They sound like they have way to much time on their hands to constantly be bickering.  You need to put them to work so they don't have time to do it.  Give them an allowance for their chores but say everytime they are caught saying something mean they have to give back say  $1.  At the end of a week or so you can go out for ice cream and they can use their money.  If they don't have any, no ice cream.

Or you can just do it the old-fashioned way.  Set the policy: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Whenever someone disobeys this rule (fights) you punish them either by spanking (6 and 11 yr old) or grounding (14 yr olds).    

Do whatever works for you but don't just sit around.  You're the parent!  Gl :)

Answer 10

OMG...DO NOT hit your children, you hit kids out of the anger you are feeling..that is such bad advice....I have 6 kids, and whoever starts the fight is made to clean toilets, or do dishes..the two least favorite chores to do...when even that doesn't help, I remove the child from the situation...sometimes they still fight while doing the dreaded hated chore lol....I move them to cleaning out the garage...or yard work, in the winter shovelling is good lol....I also reward my children for their good behaviour, I check off a mark beside their name on the calendar, when they earn 5 checks they get a reward, they can save them up for a larger reward like a movie out, or dinner, whatever...but when they hit each other, they are explained that hitting under no circumstances is allwed, each child has the right to live in your home without the threat of violence, and a check is removed, as well as a chore assigned, i've even made the culprit clean the childs room who they've been bothering, with me watching of course lol!...but please don't hit your child.

Answer 11

put them into activities, do house work, they more they are moving the less they are able to fight.  Tell them they can't go out with friends or do anything with anyone.  NO tv.  keep them in there room, march them down for meals and back up again.  

Good Luck!

Answer 12

The first thing to do is to rest, you need to take a break weather it be just take a bath or lock the door for 15 min and just close your eyes and cry it out. Then you need to call them in your room one by one and tell them they are too old, and list what you expect from them, and what you will not tolerate from them. After that you tell them the next ones that fight and agrue will have to work together to complete a project, it could be laundry, raking, washing the car, or walking house to house asking if they would like their yard done (free of charge of course!) By making them work together it will teach them to either pretend they like each other or just dont let you hear them arguing! (GOOD LUCK!!!) and kudos to you, those are rough ages! (also dont' take it easy on the baby, they are the toughest of all!!!!)

Answer 13

hit them, seperate them and keep them busy. to be honest, when children reach breaking point, thy need to be spanked. those who think is immoral is only asking for their kids to become trouble.

Answer 14

well coming from a 16-year-old teenager that have 3 older sisters and 1 older brother the best way to handle this is by spending lots of time with them.but in order to actually fix the problem is by sociallizing with them,find out what the problem is first.other wise you're just going to wonder what the problem is and you can't get your question answered that way,or at least i don't think you could.I'm not going to lie to you my siblings and I would be fighting over litttle things but we grew out of it.sure we don't agree all on the same things but hey who could blame us we're siblings, that's what we're supposed to do, or at least that's what nature taught us to do.It's just natural and a phase we go through that's all but if it happens non stop then talk to them they're screaming for attention and they're not going to stop 'til they get it.If that don't work than, then ground them with no privlieves;like no phne,TV,or friends,not even privacy for their room and take down their bedroom door to show that you really mean business spank them if you have to,they're never too old to get spank.Let them know that you're the boss and what you say goes,not the other way around.let them know that you feel sadden and heartbroken for everytime they fight. Let them that you're their friend,but you're still their parent as well,but let tham know that you're parenting comes first,then your friendship with them.Put them on lock-down if you really have to.and if you really have to put one in each corner and don't let them socialize from that spot,and if they try to get out of the coner spank them,spank them first before you send them to the corner,to show that you mean business.It's up to you to lay down the law for them,remember don't cave in,but for the 6 year old go a little bit easy.other wise that'll be a little too harsh.the corner or lock down methed would be the best bet for the 6 year old but lock down would be best for all of them.

Answer 15

Dont let them know they are getting to you, stand up and say enough.. and stick to it. Physically separate them (dont hit them just place them away from each other).

Make a chart so that everyone has a chore, or something to do at everytime during the day.. make sure that the chart does not let them have time to argue. If  they choose not to do their chores then they have to sit in their room.

Dont give them the choice or opportunity to fight and dont let them know that they are making you "weak".

I have a 19, 17, 5, 7 kids and 2 step kids 9 and 10

I let them know they choose to fight, so they choose their punishment.. within reason...(ex. earlier bedtime, no 4wheeler, no playstation.. etc.)  and then they have to work with the person who they were fighting with without fighting or arguing... the more they fight the longer they have to be together doing work.. then they have to come to me together .. as a team.. and explain  why they were behaving like enemies.. and what they are going to do to make it better and what they are going to do to prevent it from happening.

I do give rewards for the person who decided to walk away from the fighting and arguing... that kid might get ice cream after dinner because he was not willing to  stay and fight and argue...

stick to what you say!!

Answer 16

When they start in the mornings take your coffee and disappear out back where they cant see you you never know it might just jolt them

I have been known to upend beds if there rooms are really bad then they have to tidy it up.

Hopefully your disappearing act might make them have to do some things for themselves.

If hey ask why just tell them firmly you will not put up with such behavior every morning .

You could also avoid them when they are home except for meal time etc they will soon get the idea your not available to bratty kids

Wel!!!!!!! Good luck

Answer 17

14 AND 14? Twins?

The fourteens need responsibility and discipline. Perhap's some larger chores in exchange for extra privileges. The 11 and the 6 need to be run ragged. They've got buckets of energy and I'm willing to bet not too many outlets. A school team of some sort, even a soccer ball in the backyard will use up some of that energy. A team sport will be better though as it teaches socialisation and builds communication skills.

Don't panic. You've only got another 15 years of this at most before the youngest reaches 21 and decides that they know better than you and moves out.

Just hang in there and love them. It's the best remedy of them all.